Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

[EzWin2]

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

20 year olds who've already had a big fuss made of their 18th shouldn't be expecting everyone to fuss round them for their 21st - tha latter belongs to the olden days, when 21 was the age you reached adulthood. I'm nearly 68 and it was 18 in MY day!

40 is a big milestone.

I'm mid 40s and see 18th as the big one, not 21st.

Sweer lord - i am in my mid 40's - 21 was a huge thing when i was 21 and still is. I had a big party, all my friends did it was the done things. All of my siblings and cousin did too. it always has been a big thing
Op i get that the weekend away costs a lot of money but i do agree that you would have known that something would have happened that weekend for her so if it was me i would have booked the weekend after just in case.
In my family all of my siblings have birthday's close to my in laws and this year is big birthdays for some on both sides so am conscious we will have a clash aswell
speak to your sis , apologises but explain that you cant change and that you will make up for it when home

I think your DP needs to be the priority - it was booked first after all, and I think a life partner’s 40th / 50th etc slightly trumps a much younger sister’s 21st.

I do remember celebrating my 21st and I remember celebrating others’ but we were pretty much all away at university for them and what we had planned never once included parents, extended families etc. They were generally house parties or nice dinners out with pub after. Possibly others celebrated with parents and siblings a while later once home for holidays, but that would have been retrospectively.

I think your sister’s birthday is more important (who cares about 40???) but the fact that you booked your break so far in advance makes it difficult to cancel. I would grovel and agree to do something special with her separately when you get back.

Sisters are special and you’re clearly important to her. This could damage the relationship. I think you need to make it up to her.

If your DP doesn’t mind why not change it?

Sis birthday date has not changed - would she have not thought oh its her 21st and asked her at time thinking of doing anything ? - That's what i would have done
Her sisters and husbands birthday around same dates is not a new things happens every year

As she only told you (and I assume others) about her party last week then she has to accept that some people will have plans and is being childish in her reaction. If she was that bothered about people being there she should have booked it and told people about it earlier.

Why should you change your plans because she wasn't organised!

OP could have guessed there’d be plans for a 21st tbh.

Partner over sister for me. You have a trip planned. Is she prepared to fund the added expense of rearranging?
dont entertain her tantrums, she’s 21 !

Did you not read it would be expensive to rearrange?

I'm 52 and other than special 21 cards my 21st was no different to 20 or 22 and none of my friends had anything special for their 21sts. 18 was regarded as the big one. Well aware 21 used to be a big one but surprised to see so many people saying it still is.

Team DP here. You can't help that they both have birthdays close together and partner of 11 years' 40th in my book trumps 21st of a sibling. The fact that she's behaving like a 9-year old about it would harden my resolve not to move the trip to a Italy. We're not talking cancelling a dinner out for another dinner out but an expensive time away which will cost far more to change.

Partner should come first in this instance. If it was his 39th or you'd not been together long, I might think differently.

Over dramatising for no good reason

who cares about 40???

I think lots of people care about 40. Not unusual at all I’ve been to quite a few big 40th and 50th parties - certainly more than I ever went to big 21st. I think simply because people tend to have a lot more money at 40 and 50 than they did at 21!

you could have planned something bit better and taken him away another weekend, he's not 6

It absolutely is a big celebration in the UK! I'm in my 50s and we celebrated both my 18th and my 21st as did all of my friends. Its still very much considered a milestone birthday.
I'm also team 40. Your DH is your priority here.

Sisters are special

And partners aren't??

This response is bonkers. The sister celebrated her 18th. Sounds as though the 40th trip for the husband was booked before a 21st birthday do was announced.

Your sister is being a bit childish, but to be honest if you knew it was her 21st I am confused as to why you would book a trip when your husband doesn’t care about it being his birthday…you could very easily have done it the week before or after surely.

I would probably change if it wasn’t going to be too expensive or too much hassle, but I definitely think your sister is being a bit dramatic by refusing to speak to you. I’m not sure I agree with just changing your plans as she will believe that behaving like a 5 year old works

Probably because she'd already celebrated her 18th. Since when was celebrating an 18th and a 21st birthday a thing?

I mean I probably would have checked with your sister if she was planning to have a party before I booked the trip for your DP. You knew it was going to be her 21st that weekend as well so I think YWBU not have done that

Her birthday has always been on the same date. Why didn’t you coordinate your weekend away around her plans? This was entirely preventable with better communication. There was a world where you celebrated both. You chose the first come first serve model. I get why your sister is pissed.

Since always in my experience 💁

Thinking about it I don’t know anyone that made a big deal of their 21st either it was all 18th as then you’re a legal adult and can do everything.

Yep, I'm in Ireland and we've always celebrated both here too, in fact I would argue 21st's are the bigger celebration