Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

[EzWin2]

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

May be true for your part of the UK and your bubble. But I am from a very traditional British family and a 21st can be a huge thing - formal black tie event with sit down meal for 100, paid for by parents, speeches by godparents, etc. Not dissimilar in scale to a wedding. Influenced by Edwardian British traditions rather than modern American ones. My kids weren't interested and we didn't have the budget anyway but in posh British circles they're definitely still a thing.

It's really not. There is nothing you can do at age 21 in the UK that you cant do at age 18 so why would 21 be big deal? you're already a legal adult then!

The reason 21 was considered "adult" was because that was considered the age when a man could weft a sword. God help us if the government do lower the age of consent to 16.

Whilst she wants you there she wont spend much time with you and will probably be with her friends for the majority. She wants your presence rather than to share the experience with you.
Personally, at my age, I’d deliberately book a weekend away to get out of going to a 21st birthday party.

Are you the sister?

Firstly, she hasn't 'deliberately missed' her sister's party. She booked a trip to Italy, for her partner's birthday. Who said the sister's party was arranged first?

Secondly, why would her sister's 21st (given that she already did a big celebration for her 18th) be more important than her partner's 40th? The sister is having a party, loads of people will be there, one person not being present won't make much difference. The sister is going to be partying with her friends most of the evening, I'd imagine. But the OP's partner isn't having a party, so why should he forgo his birthday trip to Italy to celebrate someone else's birthday instead? I'd put my partner first in this situation every time.

The sister sounds like a spoilt brat to me.

Don't change it; your sister's being a complete tit and needs to grow up. She's 21, not 5.

But did you check it with your sister re her 21st birthday plans before booking? That’s what I think I would find hurtful. You must have known the date?

It was 16 for females and 21 was the end of warship for males

Well, a partner is always going to be more important than a sibling. So there's that.
Plus, I think the Italy trip was already booked, so a prior commitment always takes priority.
The sister is being U..... the OP can do something with her another day, so I'm not sure why the sister thinks it's such a big deal.

A holiday abroad (of any length) booked months ago takes precedence over a party announced a week ago. Add on that he's your long term partner and that trumps a younger sister's birthday party, IMO. Don't incur costs to placate what sounds like an immature girl. Just tell her you'll have a small dinner or similar on a different date, and make sure she has any card or gift before you go. Have a lovely time in Italy.

This.

She’s being a brat about it so on principle should not be rewarded for that behaviour.

Your sister needs to grow up. She's 21, not 12.

Your sister needs to grow up

Sorry your sister has booked and arranged a party in a week or she's had it booked for a while but only decided to invite you a week ago... hhhhmmmm

A 21st isn’t that big of a deal to me. She’s already classed as an adult. At that age I’d never want to celebrate it with family anyway. I’d have been out with friends. She’s being precious.

My opinion is that there's no need to take your sister out for her 21st and spoil her like you did for her 18th, because she's clearly already spoilt enough. She's being utterly unreasonable. You can celebrate her birthday on another weekend, as you already have plans, but the fact that she's thrown a strop over this would seriously make me not want to bother. She's asking like a toddler, not an adult—except most toddlers I've met wouldn't be as bratty as she's being about this.

Really stupid to book the trip on the weekend of her birthday when there would be a good chance that she’d want to celebrate with family.

Rearrange the trip.

Go to sister’s party on one day of the weekend and then take your partner out for a special lunch/dinner on the other day (with the trip the following weekend).

Go on the trip. I hate that silent treatment abusive bollox. She needs to grow up

Tell that to Scottish Young Farmers. The 21st birthday party is, and always has been, a major event in that community, and I'm sure in others. Nothing to do with copying American movies. I went to something like 30 21st parties in about 5 years because of Young Farmers, and generally the format was friends and family, including parents and grandparents.
Having said that, of course the OP is not unreasonable to want to go away on a prearranged holiday with her partner to celebrate his milestone birthday. There'll just be two less people at the party.

Theres quite a big majority on Mumsnet that dont really like family or birthdays so I think the replies here might be a bit skewed. From my perspective I think its awful that you booked a holiday knowingly on your sisters 21st birthday weekend. You must know that's a really twatty thing to do. Even if she hadn't told you about a party yet it is surely obvious that she would be doing something. Much easier to have booked the trip for your DH the weekend before or after or checked with your sister before you booked whether she was planning something. I honestly don't know anyone that would purposely do this to their sister. Im not surprised that shes not talking to you because its so thoughtless she probably thinks its a deliberate slight.

I wouldn’t have planned a weekend away on my sisters 21st bday without checking if she’s planning a party, but equally I wouldn’t plan a party without checking which dates my key people would be free

I would have put my 21 year old sister before a 40 year old partner

.

Maybe the sister should have asked the OP if they were doing anything for the partner's milestone birthday before going ahead and fixing the date for her party? One is not more important than the other, and the holiday was booked first.