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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

243 replies

EzWin2 · 05/06/2026 09:23

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 05/06/2026 09:43

WaltzingWaters · 05/06/2026 09:42

You’ve not made it clear which was arranged first. If the trip was already booked and then DSis didn’t check dates she is being unreasonable. She should have pre-checked if she’s so adamant you should be there.

if you knew about her party when you booked the trip then YABU (just slightly, because assuming you’re in the UK, a 21st birthday really isn’t a big deal).

Would it cost you much to rearrange the trip? Either way, your DSis is being unreasonable and a bit of a diva, but if it wouldn’t cost anything /a minimal fee maybe I’d just switch dates to keep the peace.

I’m in the UK and don’t agree 21st isn’t a big deal?

Letsgetreadytorhumble · 05/06/2026 09:43

SnappyQuoter · 05/06/2026 09:42

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

Show quote history

Im hitting 50 and they have always been a thing. Nothing to do with America!

OP your priority is your DP and kids.

Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 05/06/2026 09:44

SP2024 · 05/06/2026 09:43

I wouldn’t have planned a trip away for that weekend anyway. Who is having the kids? Is it your family? Will it impact other people who may want to go to your sisters party like your parents?

This too, unless it’s the in laws!

chipsandpeas · 05/06/2026 09:45

SnappyQuoter · 05/06/2026 09:42

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

Show quote history

bullshit, 21st are a big thing in the UK - and mine was way back in the 90s and it was a big deal back then

Sartre · 05/06/2026 09:45

I think your sister is being immature and petulant but that’s fine because she is only 21 after all… It was perhaps a bit of an oversight to book the trip away on the same weekend you knew for sure she’d have a party. You could have quite easily booked it for the weekend after and I doubt your DH would have minded.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 05/06/2026 09:46

SnappyQuoter · 05/06/2026 09:42

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

Show quote history

My mum is in her 80s and says 21 used to be more important than 18 when she was young.

Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 05/06/2026 09:47

I’m just really confused why you planned it that way OP? Without checking if your DSis was doing anything… 🤔

doitwithlove · 05/06/2026 09:48

To save all the anxiety etc and if nothing is booked re the trip to Italy, I would go to the party then book the trip for the weekend after. My reason being it gives you two events to look forward to.

Roomonthe3rdfloor · 05/06/2026 09:51

Did you check plans before you booked the trip? If you did and she didn’t have anything planned then I don’t see why she is sulking.

If you didn’t I think it’s a bit silly, if it’s not to much trouble I would move the weekend and attend your sisters party.

My sister and DH share a birthday and are 10 years apart so big birthdays always fall on the same day.

Pippin2017 · 05/06/2026 09:51

SnappyQuoter · 05/06/2026 09:42

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

Show quote history

What? 18th birthdays being a 'thing' is a recent phenomenon. 21 has always been important because it's when people officially became adults, up until the 70s, anyway.

The reason most people I know seem to celebrate turning 18 is so they can go to the pub!

Age limits have been lowered over the last few years, but prior, 21 was the age you could vote, manage your own affairs, when you get the 'key of the door'.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 05/06/2026 09:53

Book the trip to Italy for the weekend after. This is a no brainer.

icannotlivelaughloveintheseconditions · 05/06/2026 09:54

I wouldn’t book a holiday over a close family member’s big birthday . If your dh didn’t mind I would change the holiday date and do both.

PetrolKoala · 05/06/2026 09:56

I don’t see a 21st birthday as being a significant birthday so I’d definitely prioritise DH’s 40th. Just ask your sister if she wants to meet up another day to do something for her birthday.

MajorSamanthaCarter · 05/06/2026 09:58

I hate people who sulk and guilt trip, go away with your partner and let her get on with it.

Happyjoe · 05/06/2026 09:59

Silent treatment in my book would push me to stick to Italy. She's your sister, she shouldn't be doing this! I would stick to whichever was arranged first and to be honest, a weekend in Italy sounds a lot better than a 21st party with all her friends and lots of drunk youngsters.

If can afford it, try and arrange something when you get back with sis, maybe a spa day or something nice just for the two of you? If she's talking to you by then.

FieryA · 05/06/2026 10:00

Why didn't you check with your sister, before booking the trip? Presumably you are close to her and I can see why she is upset at you not being there. I think better communication would have saved you all this hassle. You will probably lose money if you cancel the trip, so it's best to go ahead with it.

Original poster
EzWin2 · 05/06/2026 10:03

Sorry I think I need to add that I booked the Italy trip months ago. We are going go lake como so i booked early to secure a decent hotel at a reasonable price. She told me about her party last week. But maybe I shouldn’t have taken him away on the same weekend. I just feel really guilty but it’s not ideal to change it as hotels are now limited and more expensive.

OP posts:
Chamallo · 05/06/2026 10:05

She shouldn’t be giving you the silent treatment but she’s 21 and they’re barely out of teenage narcissist phase. If it’s easy to rebook, do that and be the bigger person in repairing the relationship with your sister.

Overwhelmedandtired · 05/06/2026 10:07

EzWin2 · 05/06/2026 10:03

Sorry I think I need to add that I booked the Italy trip months ago. We are going go lake como so i booked early to secure a decent hotel at a reasonable price. She told me about her party last week. But maybe I shouldn’t have taken him away on the same weekend. I just feel really guilty but it’s not ideal to change it as hotels are now limited and more expensive.

Edited

Its not unreasonable to make plans with your husband. You didn't know she would have a party. You could potentially have asked her first, but she could also have said her intentions earlier (even if it wasn't booked).

I would go on the weekend to Italy, but possibly look at your own celebration with your sister another weekend. Maybe take her to a spa or out for a special meal, whatever fits her interests better.

Savvysix1984 · 05/06/2026 10:08

I think you’re in the wrong. It’s unfortunate they both have close birthdays but you obviously knew it was your sisters birthday. You should’ve checked that nothing had been planned. Didn’t even have to be a party but perhaps a family meal. Then if you knew you could’ve made a decision based on facts.

ifonly4 · 05/06/2026 10:08

The trip has been planned for months and no doubt would cost you money to adjust, you do that.

At 21, she's meant to be an adult so should know you don't cancel plans and let others down. Suggest you do something nice, just the two of you, before or after you get back.

Ethelspagetti · 05/06/2026 10:12

Your sister is being unreasonable. Take her out for lunch after your weekend away.

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 05/06/2026 10:13

Knowing that the two birthdays fall close together, I would have spoken to my sister and partner to hear about their plans. I then would have tried to book things in a way that allowed me to celebrate both birthdays. So yes, move the weekend trip.

Ellie1015 · 05/06/2026 10:14

SnappyQuoter · 05/06/2026 09:42

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

Show quote history

I am mid 40s and 21st was a bigger event when I was 21. Definitely not to do with America. Often 18th parties are difficult as most places wont hire for 18th where I am as there will be too many under age guests likely to try and drink. Party for 21st much more common.

Appreciate it may not be that way all over but absolutely the way it is in some places.

Justusethebloodyphone · 05/06/2026 10:15

Pippin2017 · 05/06/2026 09:51

What? 18th birthdays being a 'thing' is a recent phenomenon. 21 has always been important because it's when people officially became adults, up until the 70s, anyway.

The reason most people I know seem to celebrate turning 18 is so they can go to the pub!

Age limits have been lowered over the last few years, but prior, 21 was the age you could vote, manage your own affairs, when you get the 'key of the door'.

Show quote history

But it isn’t the 1970s anymore!

In the USA 21 is a big deal because they can legally drink alcohol.

My DD went to many many 18ths but not many are bothering to organise 21st outside family. She had a family dinner and then just a birthday night out with friends at uni. She didn’t want a party with home friends too, even though they are still very close, as her birthday was in the middle of the term and she said it was no biggie.