Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

[EzWin2]

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

I'm confused about what what YABU and YANBU stand for in your scenario.

I think your sister is being unreasonable.

You didn’t need to go away and deliberately miss her party! That’s insensitive and why could you not do something on his birthday and go away the following weekend. That’s what mature people would do. I’m not surprised your sister is miffed. So you are being unreasonable.

Your sister is giving you the silent treatment because you have a previous trip scheduled for your long time partner's birthday. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic designed to manipulate you.

You've catered to your sister and spoiled her a bit and when you don't do what she wants, she becomes manipulative. I wouldn't reward that. Time for her to grow up.

Go on the trip and let her be mad. Don't cave to this kind of treatment from her.

Was the Italy weekend planned first? Your sister is being childish!
I get she’s upset that you won’t be there however not talking to you is quite frankly ridiculous and based on that alone I would be sticking to the Italy plans! Otherwise every time she doesn’t get her own way she’ll stop speaking so that people give in! Ludicrous!

How do you know that the Italy trip wasn’t planned first? And why don’t they need to go away? Her partner is 40 which is another milestone birthday.

I think, if I was absolutely sure that my DH wouldn't mind at all if I changed the weekend, I would do so. NOT because your sister is in the right and definitely NOT because I was prioritising her. Simply because I could do both that way.

If my DH was upset in any way over the suggestion that we move his birthday weekend then I wouldn't do so. I would prioritise his wishes in this case.

Since when have 21sts trumped 40ths? Don’t 21 year olds prefer to party with their friends?

It’s not a wedding you’re missing, or a christening or any other strongly family oriented event. Your dp’s 40th is a much bigger thing to celebrate.

Party date can't be changed because lots of people would be impacted. Weekend away can be because it's just the two of you. She's being a bit childish by sulking but it's completely reasonable for you to change the trip dates if that isn't expensive to do.

Team 40th. Sister unreasonable to give you silent treatment. If she stops being silly maybe suggest a birthday dinner when your back to celebrate both DH and sisters big birthdays. Enjoy Italy!

I would just say one thing - regardless of 21 of 40, can I ask, who with a mature brain would care that much to feel resentful, upset or mad about something like this? Even if there was no overlapping celebrations, nobody is the centre of the world. If anyone makes such a big fuss about wanting to be celebrated to this level, I would gladly step away. This is ridiculous and childish.

If the Italy trip was planned first, your sister is being unreasonable. It doesn't matter if it is a milestone birthday, you have plans already for that weekend.
If the 21st was planned first, you are still not unreasonable to go away, but you need to understand your sister will be annoyed.
I'd prioritise my DH's 40th over a siblings birthday.

I assume you are in the UK? Here, the 18th is the big one. I wouldn’t cancel a holiday for a 21st.
But I would have booked it for the following weekend to begin with, just because there as no need to miss her birthday. But since you didn’t, I’d tell her to stop acting like a child. You’ll have a nice sisters dinner for her birthday but you’re missing the party as you are a fully grown adult with other commitments.

What country are you in? Is 21 a milestone birthday in your country?

(I am not from the UK, in my home country it's 18 and 20 that are the big birthdays, not 21).

Well it's childish that she's not talking to you, but she's only young after all.. if it's possible to rearrange the trip I would - that way you can do both. I'd have checked before booking the trip, seeing as you know their birthdays clash.

I would have schedule 40th around my sisters 21st (unless she confirmed no plans for family celebration).

Only dilema would be if there was a specific event dh wanted to attend for his birthday that clashed with 21st.

It is awkward now but if dh wont mind definitely reschedule.

I think you should’ve asked her if she had plans before booking the trip with your dh. She’s being childish and not reacting well but I would be upset that you couldn’t be bothered to send a simple text message.

I am in the UK and 21st definitely a big birthday. Must vary within UK too.

She's overreacting but I don't understand why you'd booked a trip over her birthday weekend when you knew they'd clash and it sounds like your partner is pretty relaxed about when you go away? I wouldn't change it if it's going to cost money though.

I'd expect a 21 year old to want to celebrate with her own mates and not her middle aged relatives. I don't think it's realistic to expect your family to be available for all of your birthdays anyway.

Your DP & father if your children is the priority here.

Your sister’s 21st is not a significant birthday really and she is being a bit of a brat & immature by not speaking to you. Don’t reward this behaviour by changing your plans.

No, it isn’t. That’s just people copying American movies and trying to make 21st birthdays “a thing.” Most people roll their eyes because the big one here is 18.

You’ve not made it clear which was arranged first. If the trip was already booked and then DSis didn’t check dates she is being unreasonable. She should have pre-checked if she’s so adamant you should be there.

if you knew about her party when you booked the trip then YABU (just slightly, because assuming you’re in the UK, a 21st birthday really isn’t a big deal).

Would it cost you much to rearrange the trip? Either way, your DSis is being unreasonable and a bit of a diva, but if it wouldn’t cost anything /a minimal fee maybe I’d just switch dates to keep the peace.

Well within your rights to stick with the current arrangements but if your partner doesn't mind and the cost isn't prohibitive then might as well change it.

Your sister is being an immature brat, but family is precious and none of us know what's round the corner so better to be the bigger person, make peace and move on without drama where you can.

I think you were being unreasonable to assume going away for the whole of your sister’s 21st birthday weekend was ok. You should have checked before booking.

I would probably have arrange a 40th meal on the weekend and still go to the 21st party. Then the trip away afterwards.

I wouldn’t have planned a trip away for that weekend anyway. Who is having the kids? Is it your family? Will it impact other people who may want to go to your sisters party like your parents?