Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

[EzWin2]

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

But the partner in this situation isn't bothered so it's irrelevant how people would respond to a partner who was upset about it.

Rubbish. 21 has always been a significant birthday. Possibly more so than an 18th. I’m in my 50s, didn’t have an 18th but had a 21st. My mother had a 21st back in the 1950s. There’s an old song about getting the key to the door, never been 21before. It’s always been a big birthday.

go to Italy. Why does she want a birthday party for turning 21? She should be clubbing with her mates 🥴

“Abuse tactic to manipulate you” because a 21 year old is upset her sister is missing her party. Good lord,

21st has always been seen as a big birthday in my circles. Most of my friends had parties for their 21st in the UK.

Back to the original question- I think I’d have checked with my sister and booked a weekend after once I’d known there was a party. BUT sulking and not speaking is a bit OTT.

Team 40th here too. Lake Como is lovely but expensive so don’t lose money on your trip, your DH takes precedence.

Definitely a thing. Always have been and I'm in my 60s

But my 21st was for me and all my friends! Proper black tie sit down dinner and dancing. Those were the days!

Some Young people want everything these days , they want so many birthdays to be special days and it seems to be becoming the norm
13 th
16th
18th
and then expecting the 21 st to be special too !!

If it's possible to rearrange the Italy weekend, I'd be inclined to do so...however, the silent treatment doesn't seem like a very mature way for your sister to handle this, and if she's normally like this when she doesn't get her own way, perhaps you need to be careful about caving in to her.

@SnappyQuoter You don't represent all of us in the Uk.
21st birthdays are still considered big in the UK for many families. In fact, I'm going to my nephew's in a few weeks time.It'll be a big family party with all his friends there too. It's been a tradition in our family for 50 years or more, and nothing to do with American habits at all.

Go to Italy. You prebooked it, it's already paid for. End of discussion.

A 21yo doesn't need her adult sister there at a birthday party FFS, she's being very childish. If she's so desperate to have everyone there, she can move it to the weekend before her birthday or another weekend that suits everyone.

Partner of 11 years gets to call shotgun over your sister. BUT as he said he wasn't bothered you were daft to then arrange his trip abroad for your Sister's birthday weekend. I don't blame her for being miffed about it, however she's OTT for not speaking to you.

And yet none of my mates in the late 90s or early 2000s saw it that way. We were at uni and had a night out at the student union - nothing more special than any other bday in my experience.

Reespectfully, I disagree. When I was that age (well before the introduction of Americanisms such as fancy proms, baby showers etc) your 21st was the main event and a much bigger landmark than turning 18.

Sorry I think I need to add that I booked the Italy trip months ago.

So quite possibly at the time her sister's birthday didn't cross her mind if it was months away. It doesn't make her a bad sister.

If she was mature about it I might have investigated the costs of moving the trip. As she's behaving like that you're being kinder in the long term not to let this behaviour work.How old are you if your partner is 40 and she's 21, presuming nearer 40, how much fun is it to be with a bunch of 21 year olds anyway. Point out you booked it ages ago, do something nice for her once she shows reasonable behaviour.

I think in your situation I might have checked with sister whether she had plans for her birthday before booking the weekend.

That said, while I can sympathise with your sister for being mildly miffed, her reaction does sound way OTT

It’s about relationships though isn’t it. And who you prioritise. Not really fair to always take advantage of one persons good nature. Partners should be prioritised even if they’re laid back.

And did they all get outraged when their middle aged relatives couldn’t come?

Nah. The feeling is perfectly ok, the behaviour isn't. She's perfectly allowed, and fully expected, to be upset. But silent treatment is purely to punish someone. And that's why it's tactical and childish. Sister is trying to manipulate OPs feelings.

She's trying to prove that she is more important than your partner. Unlikely.

When I turned 21, in the 1980s, it was no longer a big thing. 18 was the one we celebrated. By 21 we were mostly at university so our friends and family were often not close at hand.

Some people have them, some people don’t.. All my nieces had them, my nephews didn’t bother. But they’re definitely still a thing. My friend’s kids are having 21st.