Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

I'm not sure I agree with this. DD has a summer birthday and was 15 when she sat most of her GCSEs (she did 2 at 14 because that was the way the school did it back then). I did have to encourage her to revise from time to time. By the time she sat her A levels at 17 she was far more emotionally mature and self motivated.

Young people mature hugely between GCSE and A levels.

Ok if ACADEMICALLY they struggle with GCSEs then they aren't A level material. I did o levels at 15 having an Aug 32st birthday and still 17 when did A levels.

She doesn't really affect academic ability that much. If it did it's borderline kids

Thank you - it took me a while to realise that my efforts to protect and support had tipped over the line into undermining the very traits I had hoped to instil. I do think it is never too late, though. I have many friends who are guilty of the same thing, with 18-21yos - we over compensated for covid and the exam disruption and all the angst that bubbled up as a result. Fortunately we are all talking about it and trying to support each other in letting go (they can clean their own effing bedrooms and if they get yellow carded at uni for living in squalor they will soon learn). It’s hard - when you think you’ve come from a place of love - to realise that you are the problem, but when the penny drops you have two choices - carry on and look forward to a life time of whingeing from a child who never leaves home, or pull your parental panties up and set those boundaries. My youngest is responding really well.. the older one may take a bit more time [and a shed load of gin on my part 🤣]

Someone I worked with would read/rewrite their eldest DS’s work at Uni, I was baffled!
When our son went to Uni, he studied Chemistry, I have no clue ! He would study in the holidays, all these equations (?) look like latin to me, pages of it
He’s now doing a PhD , people ask me what he’s researching…. Errrr maybe bacteria in the sea…..
Our youngest DD has almost finished her GCSE’s , I looked at one of her study guides yesterday, English language, was shocked at how intense it all is.
My DM would try and help me with maths homework when I was in my teens, we’d be up til midnight and I’d still get it wrong! Great memories tho ( miss her soo much!)

@Brokeandold when DD asked me to proof read her immunology dissertation I didn't understand most of it. It was really a sensor check to see if it flowed well and to check for spelling and grammar.

Completely agree. My parents really valued education and encouraged me to stay on at 6th form and go to university (both from a working class background) back in the 90s, but the actual choices and preparations were very much left to me. They didn't have apps to check homework or exam timetables and I just got on with it. They were always interested, but never really drove it.

I give my 15yo ds a little more structured support, because he has adhd. But that doesn't mean doing it for him. We've always been very careful to encourage his independence. He went on a uni visit on Tuesday because he's pretty clueless about what direction he might want to take, which prompted a discussion along those lines. But I told him uni is only one option. I did life/ education one way, but there's no expectation he'll do it the same way. Dh jouned the RAF at 16, so I suggested ds talks to dh about that as well, saying it's not my preference for him, but it's not my life to lead, it's his.

I just want him to find something he enjoys that will pay well, and go for it.

I’m so sorry Ventress, completely understand why you want to do more for your DS. I don’t think anyone not in your circumstances can criticise.

Agree with pp that it’s a balance and dependent on the child. My DM and DF left school at 15 and didn’t understand why I wanted to go to uni let alone I helped with any of it. I didn’t visit any unis I applied for and when I had an interview at a fairly prestigious university had no one to guide me on what might be expected and unsurprisingly didn’t do well.
Both DC have studied independently and organised their own revision and I’ve just asked how they are getting on and provided a tutor where they might be struggling. I’ve supported with researching options and taking them to open days but the decisions about where to go has been theirs. DD is disabled and ASD so has needed a lot more support with getting support set up etc but ultimately she has made all of her own decisions and chose a different uni than I would have done.

One of our friends is a professor at Stanford in the US - highly competitive and very expensive. He is responsible for the first year students in his department. He spoke to us about how poor they were at life - they really struggled with the basics, he was quite worried about how kids could be so bright they get into his dept and yet they can't deal with normal every day events - we had that chat with him 10 years ago - can't imagine much has improved since then.
I think there's a lot of help being given for the parent's benefit - it makes the parents feel lovely. I'm sure the kids like it too but there's nothing like achieving something yourself, I think a lot of kids wait a long time to feel this.

I applied for the SL in August and got it late September. SFE over egg how slow they are a lot of the time and you can apply any time.

My parents studied with me and as such I've studied and helped my children

You are never to old for parental input. I'm in the 50s they still support me and I support them. I support my teenage kids and they support me. There is no cutoff age for support and input. Do you send your adult life not being supported by anyone? Though not.

Yep. I did my A’levels in 2002 and my parents had zero input. I’m not even sure they could have told you which A’levels I was taking. (And they were teachers so not uninterested in education). At that point I had a boyfriend at uni in a different city, I’d get the coach from Stratford (East London) every Friday to go and stay with him for the weekend. Completely in control of my own time and social life - I did get invited on family holidays and trips but rarely went. Parents didn’t accompany me to uni open days or interviews (and nor did most people’s from what I remember). Very different time. Would have hated to have my independence trampled at that point.

I’m also a uni professor and I have taught at all types of places in UK including highly prestigious and less so. My experience is that extremely bright young people are often not the most socially able, and yes partly this is parental coddling. It’s also partly neurodiversity - brains that can do extraordinary things are often non-typical and struggle with the ordinary.

What a great parental relationship.

It’s also possible for you to take him there but allow him to attend the open day on his own while you browse the shops / visit a museum / sit in a cafe and work. That is providing support but also encouraging independence.

Having witnessed teen DC with no parental support , parents who literally for whatever reason don't care about them ,I can't get excited about parents who do too much

I didn't ho to uni and didn't know what open days were, or when they were on.

Out of all the open days I went to with my son I only saw 2 people there without at least one parent. Teenagers are allowed to have support, that dosent stop when you reach a certain age. My teen is very dependent, that didn't stop the need for support, everyone needs support.

I have to admit I found it weird when my colleague said the other day "well we've got [subject x] on monday so its a big revision weekend for us"

Its her son who's sitting the exams!

The issue with a lack of involvement is that it works wonders with self-motivated, disciplined children who take that freedom and grow into it. But it entirely fails those who are not ready to take on that degree of self-responsibility (which is not a problem, and is entirely normal at that age) who instead fall away from what they could achieve because no one is helping them stay on a more productive pathway.

This really resonated with me, and I totally agree with this ^^
It takes some young people a little longer to be emotionally mature enough to develop independence and resilience.

I also think a lot of young people would benefit from a gap year before going to university - to mature and to just be able to learn to deal with the basics of day to day living. I feel that a lot of young people just aren't ready to fly the nest.

One girl in DD's student flat didn't realise that you had to remove the packaging to heat a pizza in the oven!!! 🙄

It is our job as parents to ensure that our DC know stuff like this.

Not in our house or friendship circle, but I can see how it happens. The outcomes seem so high stakes that they don’t see the detriment of curtailing independence and softening consequences.

Very common among the white British I feel to have the "laizze-faire" approach to parenting. The whole "since I was 16 my parents never knew what I was doing and they dare not tell me what to do. They have no clue whatsoever, but that's okay, independence".

Whereas we Indians guide our children. My DC all chose their subjects of interest. I don't think it's a big deal to know, what subjects your DC are studying. Parents evening is still a thing even in year 13. Obviously at that age the onus has, to be on them. But if I see them slacking and falling off the right track, I'm not going to hesitate and let them know.

A lot of kids don’t really know how to revise effectively, so I’m all in favour of supporting that.

A little anecdote: when I was in Y8 my parents fostered a Chinese girl. We are still friends. As an adult she told me how much she appreciated my mother and how she used her as a model for being a mother herself, because it was the first time she experienced affection. I told her how much I appreciated her companionship and that she taught me a different approach to my studies, how to stretch myself and how to revise. Without her example, I doubt I would have done as well at school.

DS is sitting his GCSES and I'm leaving the academic stuff to him, that's his department. My role is to look after him.

I make sure he knows there's no letter or number after his name that can define him or affect his worth. That when people are remembered they are praised for their character not their qualifications and that he is already a good person.

Bringing him chocolate on the hard days and making sure he does the things that make him happy around his studies. I don't tell him to stay in and study, I encourage time away from it.

Is that right? No idea. But it's how my gut says to approach it and I've gone with that.