Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

MN is the place for
over involved obsessive parents, all life must cease for exam years, god forbid you suggest anyone under 25 gets a pt job.
Tracking them, curfews over 18, madness.

And when he wants to go to university, maybe get into a good programme, hopefully find purposeful and meaningful work. If he has no qualifications who is going to hire him?

The grades don't matter brigade need to think with their brains and not their hearts.

Not for the exam years, but maybe during the A-level exam period itself, might be good to turn down the clubbing and go out after exams over.

We are, it's not that they don't matter but I've seen plenty of people with great grades struggle in work and real life with far more prestigious university backgrounds from mine. Most employers say they're crying out for a bit of grit, so a handful of B or C grades isn't going to make as big a difference as people think. That said, I don't think my intervention necessarily means inflation, if my kids get top grades without me doing their homework then that's fantastic, it's their achievement.

When i went to an interview at Cambridge my parents dropped me at the local train station. I got a local train, changed at Bristol temple meads, then on to london, got the tube from Paddington to kings Cross and then got another train from there to Cambridge. I then walked from the station in Cambridge to find the college. This was pre smartphone, I had a printed map in a plastic wallet & had to ask for directions twice.

I think did the same to get home. Everyone i knew did similar!

I spent my 6th form years clubbing and to the massive detriment of my maths a level. Now I'm in my 40s I think back more fondly on the nights dancing away, cheap vodka and friendships than any maths formula. My kids are going to have such a different experience from me but I'm glad I had it out of my system before I started uni at 19 as wasn't so bothered about going out at uni, mostly because the standard of nightlife was a bit woeful. These days you can't go out as much when you're 16 and 17 I don't think!

@ToffeeCrabAppleAnd did you need to arrive at the Cambridge college at 9 am? My DD had to take a test in the morning and interviews in the afternoon - she would never have done it via trains! Most people stay over if there’s an early start. I guess you just had an afternoon slot?

Surprised you even got into uni in the first place.

Many people can manage to have a social life and study well. Some of us prioritise our education and studies first and then once we've completed what we've needed to do, we go have a good time.

I'm glad all my DC achieved A*s in their Maths A-level allowing them to go to their uni of choice. Given they were doing STEM or economics related courses they had to deal with a "maths formula" or two. Glad they are all now thriving and in purposeful work or further study.

And we drove our DC to the interview

Nothing wrong in thatAs they invited her on family holidays I assume they made sure she was fed and housed also during A levels.

She was a bit old for mummy to be wiping her bum and taking her to school by then

Why does not being pushed mean he has no qualifications?? Most people used to manage studying, socializing and working without parents doing everything. Why have kids be one more inept if they cant

Completely agree with the op - not a levels but there was a post the other day from someone getting all sorts of abuse for not delaying her house extension at a cost of £30k cos neighbours little darling was doing gcses 😵‍💫 what the heck is it teaching our kids about resilience?!

Support and advice is one thing but some people's responses are off the wall

I took a hands off approach last year with ds1 and he didn’t do at all well in his ALs. He honestly was arrogant and lazy, had never struggled academically with anything and thought he’d breeze them.

It was so painful and stressful to see his disappointment and how lost he was when he got his results. BUT. He needed to go through that to learn. We argued against it but he decided to do retakes this year and the change in his attitude has been good to see. I don’t know if he’ll do significantly better but at least he’ll know he tried his hardest.

Watching his ‘humbling’ was deeply uncomfortable but it has been transformative for him. Perhaps those parents who support so wholly do so to avoid their own pain at witnessing their DC suffer. I can understand that. I guess once you start you can’t stop!

The A level results are mainly based on the exams right at the end. The parents cannot do that for any kid. They all need to work for it. No A star drops from the sky, ever, especially with the current level of intense competition.
If parents are doing more for their DCs at home, it is to make up for the fact that life is more competitive not less.
I know grads less than 25 year old earning over 200k a year. Largely drawn from the all A star elite uni pool. They all worked incredibly hard all the way through. In law, some US law firms are now paying newly qualified solicitors 180k plus. In tech, especially in the US and some other countries, some of these kids are earning ludicrous amounts and being given equity too.
Don’t believe all the kids are NEETs and useless. Some of them are extremely capable and earning and doing extremely well.

I've got a GCSE and A Level student here and we've got their timetables on the noticeboard, partly to check what they have so we can wish them luck (also the timings are all over the place so we need to know when to drop off and collect them) and partly to remind them to take a calculator etc. Though they are very organised. We did get involved with the teachers regarding listening exams to ensure our teen with hearing difficulties sits close to the speaker, and gets the extra time he's allowed. Both teens like to tell us how easy it difficult the papers are and what the grade boundaries might look like
I wish my parents had been more like that tbh.

Well, the exams weren’t gcses for a start…

I think it's sensible to know what subjects your DC are doing (especially at A-level). I assumed wnat parents do is you know what your DC wants to do and help them cultivate it to the best of their ability. To not know what subjects they are doing or to not know what plans they have at all is a bit surprising to me.

@Cuhdddfyour comments are arrogant and rude surprised you got into uni god forbid everyone doesn’t have your standards. It’s good for teens to have independence and make their own choices be it good or bad.

I'm glad my DC took their A-levels seriously. One of my DC needed an A* to go to their top uni and they got it. If a teen was "independent" and made all the wrong choices and messed up, it's all okay because they chose to do it themselves?

Nothing wrong with parents stepping in and guiding.

His predicted grades are all A/A* but thank you for the tip!

Stress is harmful for memory and learning, all I wanted to do was bring that down a notch and give him space to find his way through it. Grades matter a bit, but they really aren't the be all and end all.

When DC sat their GCSEs my DH and I took some leave over the Easter holidays and study leave period - not to supervise tem but to take the pressure off the household. We both have very busy jobs, the sort that doesn’t necessarily end at 5pm and bleeds into the weekends. Plus we have other DCs with various commitments and the household chores never end, of course.

It was really nice, I read, went for walks with DC if they wanted to on their break, tested them from the flash cards, watched day-time tv together, caught up with my friends and to-do list.
DH and I were just available in a way we probably hadn’t been. Exam time was probably the calmest our household has been!

We're actually extremely close. They were not neglectful. They just didn't coddle me as a young person and saw me as an independent person with control over my own life. If I asked for help, I got it.

I did similar but I did stay overnight before my first interview; in fact I stayed for 3 nights in total as my interviews were spread out. All the accommodation was at my first choice college and organised by the college who expected prospective students just to turn up the evening before their interview and everything was sorted for them, including all meals.

There was no way on earth my parents would have driven me down and hung around for 3 days; or driven a 5 hour round trip twice.

I have no idea about Oxbridge interviews now, but I suspect they are organised differently because they do expect parents to drive their children. Might be interesting whether the change in arrangements happened first, or the change in parental behaviour.

i am aware of date of final exam and whilst on study leave i have been making sure food/snacks in house. Once exams over DS will be more involved in household tasks again. They are his exams and he can only do his best. So long ago since I did mine I wouldn't be able to help and I think it prepares more for future if have to organise themselves.

It baffles me a parent wouldn't know what subjects their DC is studying. Just blissful ignorance.