Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

I was a high achiever back in my day. I took my classes and exams, had fun, and got into everywhere I applied.

The standards for an equivalent today are radically different. My teen volunteers multiple times a week on top of a heavy course load. She is spending her summer holidays doing work experience. She leads an advocacy group.

there is still a very good chance she won’t get one of the places in her highly competitive desired university program.

So yes, I help her any way I can. She is still driving everything.

Absolutely. Unfortunately it hasn't been caught. Her son is about to graduate from Manchester with a first.

@lxn889121

This hits the nail on the head!

The issue with a lack of involvement is that it works wonders with self-motivated, disciplined children who take that freedom and grow into it. But it entirely fails those who are not ready to take on that degree of self-responsibility (which is not a problem, and is entirely normal at that age) who instead fall away from what they could achieve because no one is helping them stay on a more productive pathway.

There is definitely a balancing act for parents to conquer to enable their children to fulfill their potential without affecting their mental health, independence and resilience in the process.

It’s a skill not all parents achieve.

I think it’s strange that your parents didn’t know when your exams were. I mean as a family my hubby might say I have an important meeting this week with X on X day. So knowing about your kids exams is the same thing to me. It means you don’t decide to have a loud dinner party the night before their exam to not risk affecting their sleep. Or you are prepared to take them in a car if there’s public transport issues that day.

Although I do think the stakes are higher now. I went to a grammar school and don't remember there being reams of kids coming out with handfuls of A grades (A* weren't a thing then) and courses at what were polys in my day didn't ask for ridiculously high grades.
If you can't get your maths or English GCSE then you are so limited and doomed to keep resitting. There were jobs for those people when I was at school.
Plus we didn't have to pay for it, loans dont cover everything, there isn't the luxury of just resitting a year. Some people I went to school with seemed to be eternal students for most of their 20s.
It's understandable that parents are far more invested now.

Report them to the university

Yep. I am one of those parents who got too involved. Overcompensating for shite parenting I received (and justifying it because both are AuDHD) and really I have been a major factor (along with covid etc) in them being useless. Seeing the error of my ways now that they are doing A levels and at uni, but am spending the summer setting them up to take on all their own life admin, with just me keeping a watchful eye for the first year. Their self-esteem will hopefully flourish without me taking over.

The objective of parents shouldn’t be to make them into ‘successful adults’ through their own labour, but to ‘scaffold them into being self-reliant, independent and likeable adults that can exist perfectly safely without them. I knew that of course, but have still been an over-controlling, anxious, helicoptering idiot.

Mine were not involved in my student life from 16 onwards. If anything they were detrimental to my success as they insisted I go to America for 5 weeks to visit relatives during my A levels which meant I missed 3 weeks of studying!

Inwas more involved but backed off when the pressure was building. Both mine left colleague and got jobs and are happy in what they do. The good thing is they both live nearby too so I get to see my grandchild often.

It's the same over and over again. We wipe their arses when they're little and parents carry on wiping their arses well into their 20s. Kids get the lives jam packed with activities and hobbies, they're not allowed to get bored and use their imagination. They get taxied everywhere and mollycoddled.

I'm glad I was the generation I was. You don't see a lot of resilience these days

If I’d had two of my daughter, I’d be writing this. I have no input into what she does at all and don’t help her study. She’s entirely self sufficient. I’d think everyone else was being ridiculous! But then I had a son who is wired so differently that he would entirely fall through the cracks if I wasn’t invested and now I really do get it!

The post is about A levels though Fair enough nurse them through GCSEs if necessary but if you need to do that then they aren't A level material really

It is quite a challenge to support and to encourage independence at the same time - but it needs to be the goal. The adult child needs to be encouraged to gain independence and I think some are naturally more reliant/independent than others.
Our ds is AuDHD - he has many worries about how he deals with people in his professional role. Dh and I have a lot of experience in dealing with people in a constructive way to get what you need to do your job. DS was wise to draw on our experience and skills to learn how he could do the same thing but we are mindful of our need to pull back and allow him to use his own, now well developed people skills to see him through. He doesn't like us withdrawing but we do it gradually because he can't be dropped into it, he'd be a mess.
Dd at the level asks us less about how to deal with people problems - but still has her moments. If there's one thing I wish my parents had been better at, that was people skills - they were like bulls in a china shop - no diplomacy - it oils the wheels - both my dcs are learning the dark art.

I think education is a big issue here. At school we were allowed to fail. My kids were told at primary work hard or you'll be serving McD's or working as a refuse collector. I was told they were failing in year 1 - and I better help them catch up. I was not allowed to let them forget their PE/swimming gear - the school phoned and asked me to bring it in. We were not allowed to let our kids walk to school till Year 6 - the school decided it wasn't right. We were brought into school when the kids were 15 and ask who checks the homework app and then checks the homework - one hand went up and then we were all told how dreadful we all were. During Covid my ds was doing A levels - he hadn't handed anything in for 6 weeks - one teacher got in contact with me and asked if he was ok - I was questioned as to why I hadn't inspected his homework - what were the teachers doing? But again it was my responsibility to check homework for a year 12 child.
We are trained by the schools - we are not allowed to step off and let the kids work it out for themselves - we are needed to support, tutor and be on hand all the time - by the time they are 18 we are well trained as over invested parents - it's hard to let go but letting go is something we must do! I'm not a big fan of the UK education system - it's an exam factory - churning them out with grades, no one really measuring the skills.

I also told my children to work hard at school

Very much this. Even DD's sixth form was appallingly infantilising. Schools don't even let kids decide when to go to the toilet, their clothes are monitored even at 16 & 17. They don't get study leave and have to revise to a whole class timetable, rather than what they individually need.

It's only a part of the reason.

What's the other part?

I really agree with this too. Very good point @blueneopre.

IMHO Sixth Form or FE Colleges are better than school 6th forms for that very reason. Treat kids much more like adults. DC3 is at college and has matured much more rapidly than I think he would’ve at a school. They also timetable so every kid has one day off a week, so it’s easier to work part-time, or self-study, which is really beneficial.

Too many people equate over involved parenting with good parenting and it gets competitive. You can see if even in primary school with the class WhatsApp group. I don't know where it comes from, my husband had over involved parents and we take the different approach to our kids. We expect high standards of them but they have to do the work themselves and also trust the teachers, some of this parental activity really erodes that expertise the teachers have and they can't identify needs if parents are covering the cracks. Kids need initiative to manage themselves and learn in the workplace, school is a great way to figure that out

I can't help but feel that this overinvolvement is led mainly by women, for some reason. Which is weird because most women are more overloaded with responsibilities nowadays than perhaps they used to be what with many working full time, being single parents etc

I'm mid 30s and when I was doing A Levels, one of my friend's mums did all his revision notes for him! It was absolutely mad (and pointless, because isn't writing the notes part of the process?)

I do think when you're a family unit, you all get through things together - it's just important to realise when yours is a main role, and when it's supportive.

I have a friend who asked her boss for flexible work during the GCSE period…. Why?? I mean if i stayed home, im pretty sure my an iety about my DC’s GCSEs would grate on them…

I remember my lovely mum getting up early before school and reading aloud from sections of French novels so I could practise French dictation which I was not good at as my teacher was not great at dictating in French. Then she would help me learn any words I didn't know that came up in the dictation. I got an A in French at A level and I'm sure her support helped with that (as my teachers were a bit surprised.)
That kindness has stayed with me for decades.
She was the opposite of a helicopter parent usually but 6am dictation was a really supportive thing to do.

I don't know if it's because of that, some weird guilt thing?! I see so many mums making really hard work for themselves, like asking on WhatsApp groups if their child needs to take such and such to school. If you can't ask your 14 year old and they don't know well they'll have to deal with the consequences! I think my view is somewhat coloured by having a brother living at home at 42, failure to launch is a thing and I think the biggest gift I can give my kids is the ability to make their own way in the world. They're capable of top grades but if they get something else them I'm sure they'll cope they certainly have opportunities I never had

I salute you for your self-awareness and honesty 🫡

Some parents never learn and insist it’s their way or the highway. When in fact, no parent is perfect or gets everything right and kids’ needs constantly change. Parenting is an endless learning curve of trying, reflecting, adapting and readjusting. And gradually letting go and withdrawing.

As I have DSs, and am a lone parent, my motivating factor is I don’t want to send out into the world men who need (or indeed expect) a woman to organise them or remind them to do things. There are enough of those already 😂