Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

My DD is doing her A Levels. I’ve never had any input. She’s never wanted help with homework or revision since she started high school. In fact I’m away on holiday and she is getting on with it. We are very close and have a great relationship. She also has a part time job in a working men’s club.

Some of my DC are attending or have attended the top unis for their subjects. One DC is in private sector employment, another will be perusing a PhD and is doing meaningful and interesting research.

Youngest DC will be on a degree apprenticeship soon at a major firm in a well paying sector. The apprenticeship years pay £30k plus which is more than what today's grads make. This came because of hard work, studying and dedication.

My ds is doing a'levels now. I have the exam calendar, so I know when he's likely to be nervous, even a bit snappy.

He likes to explain the details of gravity or magno-electric fields and how they work, (physics) because he finds talking it through helps him to be clear on how to describe it. I'm happy to do that if it helps.

But I don't chase him to revise, that's his responsibility.

Yet the "I don't need to support my child" parents don't seem to understand that not all children are driven like their DC are
Again, it doesn't have to be black or white.

However, a teenager who struggles with concentration and organisation need help and support ..to learn to concentrate and organise themselves, not to have their assignments almost done for them because they struggle to do it themselves because of these struggles

Sadly that's exactly what many parents do...over and over...and then blame employers when their kids still struggle with concentration and organisation when they enter the work place and can't keep up with what is expected of them!

I think there is a difference between support and interference. My DD is doing GCSEs so a bit younger but I will test her on her flash cards, have a look at her practice paper answers with her, and I reread her set texts for English so she could talk stuff through with me as needed. This is when she asks, not because I sit her down to do it! I don't sit with her when she revises, nag her to revise, write things for her etc. as that would be me doing the work, not her!

I also definitely know when all her exams are as some subjects are just not her strength and cause anxiety and I need to be aware of that when she gets a bit stressed and grumpy.

I have a younger daughter who is about to sit lower school exams, and I do scaffold revision for her more - again not doing it for her but I do sit with her (normally reading or on my laptop but nearby to answer questions!), help her breakdown what she is revising today (ie, this list of french vocab, this page of science notes) and provide the materials for her to produce revision resources, then quiz her at the end of the session. This is to allow her to develop revision skills, which many young people completely lack, so by the time she gets to important exams she can do it herself!

My parents weren't academic at all and didn't go to uni so I did it all on my own. I went to an academically selective school and was one of very few girls who wasn't from a fairly wealthy background and I did feel at sea at times. I want my kids to understand that they need to do the work, but if they are stuck with how or just need a bit of emotional support then of course I'm here. There's a middle ground between "you're on your own", and "I'm doing everything for you!"

Schooling and education is important. - it is, but they have to be the ones doing it!!

Exactly. And if they are slipping and falling off it's the parent's responsibility to guide them onto the right path.

One of DD's friends has a parent who more or less did this. The friends really struggled with her post grad degree. DD did all her work herself and has just won an academic award for her post grad studies.

Same. We are paying 30k for each child and very, very involved in their education. The school had an event day this week and you wouldn’t believe how many parents turned up- both parents. This is very much the norm though. Maybe private schooling is different because all the parents I know are quite involved.

I have my kids curriculum printed out each term, we go through it together for each subject and identify anything we could do that would enrich that topic/subject for them. Maybe a museum trip, a specific book, anything really. This seems to be the norm for all the parents that I know. I thought this was normal?

Arguably to if you end up doing a lot of the doing of studying, even drafting essays, revision checking etc what you may end up with is a child who expects this to happen wherever they go in life. That there is someone else who will provide this level of intervention and support to this extent.
At university, in the workplace. And it will not be so.

We need to accept that university is not a place every young person should go to.
If young people go to university it should be under their own steam.

Really? You really thought that was normal?

I’ve been thinking recently that there might be a connection with this over investment and the fact that so many young people are now going NC with their parents - maybe it’s an attempt to finally break free and have some independence.

Yes. I am one of those parents. I am getting my daughter up for GCSEs, driving her in and prompting her to revise. When I was doing them I was fully independent. I do suspect that if I wasn't doing those things to help she would sleep in, miss the exams and not revise.

What is your dd planning on going after GCSE's, if you dont mind me asking?

Things are certainly different these days compared to when I was in my teens. I think we were relatively hands off with our DC (certainly compared to some of the posts I read on here) but even so we were more involved than my parents were. But then my parents had no experience of A levels or University so didn't really have any advice to offer. DH and I both do. We have both been students, he has worked in a University and I have recent experience of working with healthcare students of various types so we probably can actually offer some meaningful advice. Plus there is so much more choice now in terms of choice of University and course,accomodation type etc and the finance is a bigger consideration than in my day. I think it is all more complicated, and there's also more expectation of parental involvement. In the past I think it would have been considered odd for a parent to accompany their child on visits but now there are specific talks for parents at open days. I think you can be guilt tripped into getting more involved than you actually think is necessary because "everyone" is doing it.
But I agree that some parents take it to extremes and take a far too active part in their children's education. We felt our role was to be supportive and provide a general steer but not get involved in the minutiae. So for instance when it became apparent that DS was finding A level maths hard going we asked him if he felt a tutor would be helpful and when he said yes we found one, but I wasn't sitting in on the lessons taking notes and creating a revision timetable for him. By 6th form a young person should generally be able to do that kind of thing for themselves. And kids do need to make some of their own mistakes in order to learn. It can be frustrating as a parent when probably you do "know best" but you have to let go at some point and in my opinion that is best done gradually through the teens. All my DC encountered young people when they started University who were unable to cope without someone micromanaging their lives and then either gave up and went back home or really went off the rails when they finally tasted freedom. It's not always easy to find, but there is a happy medium.

Local college to do a mix of A levels and Btec

Helping them with A levels is fine. As they sit their own exams. Writing their uni essays and doing their dissertations is blatant academic misconduct though.

Same parents will sit at the end of it all (A Levels/Degree etc) and call out everyone else when they find their child has lived in a cocoon of protection from the real world and actually having to think for themselves.

All those kids 12/24 months later sat at home wondering why the world hasnt given them a job and looking at mummy who has run out of influence to open them doors for her child.

Sometimes children need to be able to fail, learn from their mistakes or just find their level. Instead its like some massive race to the top whilst completely missing the point

How are these kids going to manage life in the big world when they leave uni /home without parents organising their lives?
Might be a clue in the fact there are so many threads on MN about over bearing mils, in particular. Trampling over the so called boundaries, generally inteferring with the lives of their adult sons and upsetting their wives /partners. who in turn don't stand up for their wives because they don't want to upset mum [usually].
Some parents helicopter their kids then become enmeshed with their adult lives too. It's really not healthy, I don't understand why some people can't see how these problems begin, go on the defensive. But then come on here and moan about mil doing this and that whilst h won't say anything because it's his mum.🤔

You can value educatjon without constant interfrrence and organising your teen. Parf of education is surely study skills and self organisation

I don't know about everyone else - oldest is half way through with 0 input from us, as they did with GCSEs because they are very self starting and organised.

Youngest has ADHD and is going to need a lot if help to get through GCSEs next year and doubtless some throughout whatever he does post GCSE. When I say help, I mean scaffolding revising so he does a reasonable amounts and giving him guidance on what to do - not doing coursework for him, though it seems they do all coursework in school anyway, presumably to prevent too much AI or parental 'helping'.

Maybe those are the kids who wouldve failed anyway?

I did my a levels at evening classes while working full time in day. I had mty own flat also so my parents werent " supervising" i couldnt have done any better even if id had haps of ' support'

Totally agree !
On the more general OPs point I have noticed this with some work colleagues. One in particular has a DC at Uni and spends weekends writing and rewriting essays with them, correcting their work, checking submissions etc. their younger child doing GCSEs is being tested every night, she is buying loads of exam paper, old ones and predicted ones, it’s relentless.
I feel sorry for both DC to be honest they are not allowed to just be themselves, they are constantly ‘tested’, monitored and pushed into things, ( e.g coached for interviews for Saturday jobs) phones are tracked. Their emails are read by the parents - one is an adult aged 21 - and this is all mentioned as just ‘normal’ family life.

I find it very surprising and shocking.

That is actually of no help to their child whatsoever.
They are spending time trying to do something they cannot. Instead of investing their energy and time in something they could do.

Well, some will always fail or not do great regardless of the help given. Of course. My point is though that this thread is full of people saying how they had minimum input or knowledge of their kids education but their kids did amazingly anyway. Let's all pat them on the back for bringing up such amazingly academic, self starting, confident and resilient kids with out even trying. Whilst those of us whose kids do struggle and need more support have only got themselves to blame and are making things worse. Little acknowledgement that maybe their kids were always going to be quite capable anyway. I certainly have one who I will rarely need to keep an eye on and one who does need more support.

Of course there are limits to what you should do for your child. I don't do coursework for them (very little of that about now anyway) and there's no way I'll be going to job interviews etc with them. But I'm not going to apologise for helping them keep on top of things, testing them, helping them come up with revision plans they can stick to and talking through some of the subjects that I understand well with them. I'm not setting them up to fail later in life because I'm more involved than some parents. I'm supporting them with things they find harder than others, showing them different techniques that they might find useful and hoping that they can carry on with some of this on their own in the future. I don't see that the alternative of letting them flunk their GCSEs is better than that. Because that is what would likely happen (& then the same parents would be writing about how it's a shame that too few parents take an interest in their kid's education).