Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

This post resonated with me. I took my A levels in 1977. There was nothing like the pressure then as there is now to do well.

I put pressure on myself because I didn't want to fail, but as I wasn't going to university I wasn't under the kind of pressure that most 18 year olds are under now.

The government put the schools under pressure and schools/colleges put the students under pressure so it is understandable to see why there is more parental involvement.

Do you live in a society with lower inequality than the UK?

Also is your post-school education fees state funded or student funded?

Are there grants?

These are due to social changes not parenting

speaking on the phone - widespread switch to messaging
ordering in restaurants - business model changes
speaking to older adults - fragmented society
travelling on public transport - increased car usage generally

speaking on the phone - widespread switch to messaging

You only have to read the numerous threads from adult mumsnetters who won't speak on the phone or answer the door. Modern technology is making people more isolated as they don't have to interact with other people on a personal level. It's quite depressing.

DD used to not want to talk to strangers on the phone, but when she got a job in a pharmacy she had to - all the time. Her self confidence has grown massively since then.

Oh, ffs. Listen to yourself. It's basic interactions that are incumbent on parents to, at least, partly instil in their children. What kind of awful, disconnected society are we going to end up with if these fundamental socialisations aren't learned?

We are an increasingly disconnected society. Have you only just noticed? Did you not see this happening?

Who do you want a child to phone? I make mine phone the bookshop and for taxis, but they are both optional - both offer messaging.

Ordering in restaurants - many young-focused venues use QR codes.

Speaking to older adults - obviously family members but who do you mean? People are not out chatting on Coronation Street anymore. If I look out my front window right now - no one out there.

Public transport - working parents use cars. I don't myself but lots of people drive.

I agree, but have you not read the numerous posts on here from posters who won't answer the phone, won't ring anyone or answer the door?

But society has changed - deliveries instead of shopping for example. Child free weddings. Families criticised for shopping together.

Who goes to church? Libraries are shutting.

This is social change, it's the business model of our age.

Yes, I notice it. The older I get and the younger people I meet, the more and more astonished and disconcerted I get over their mind boggling social awkwardness. One young lad in work literally stood still in silence when he finished a job, rather than ask anybody else if there was something else he could do or help with. Where is society going here?

I went to school with a lad (really nice, extremely sheltered and looking back evidently had SEN). His mum ’helped’ him with everything. I remember saying to a friend how on earth was he managing at uni as the poor lad could barely write a sentence and it ended up his mum was doing his essays/coursework. He couldn’t find a job after graduating and went on to study to be a primary school teacher.

I wondered how on earth he was going to teach kids English/Maths as he would probably struggle with KS2 sats himself.

He last a couple of months being a primary school teacher, apparently the worst time of his life…

He now works in an office role in public service. When I heard I did wonder if his mum is still ‘helping’ him.

Yes lower inequality and education is funded with some grants, though not enough to live on so students need to take out loans too (which need to be paid back no matter what income they earn, even if they earn nothing, starting a year or two after they stop taking the loan), some under 18s need to take out loans as they aren't eligible for grants but their parents might not afford to support them if they study elsewhere.

I asked my next-door-neighbour if any of his preteens fancied earning some pocket money for feeding our cat when we went away. He said they were quite shy and unlikely to want to leave their bedrooms during the holidays. I wanted to say ‘my cat won’t start a conversation unless they do’.

Don't people talk to their neighbours any more? My neighbours are mostly older people and my children have always talked to them so my teenager has grown up knowing how to talk to people. We're on holiday now and both children have had polite conversations with strangers at my parents' church. They're not as used to it as I was as a child though, but my parents were extremely social so we were always visiting people or having people visit us so I had a lot more practice but I still tried my best with my kids.

When I went parents were financially assessed and I just dealt with student finance myself.

I left uni with no debts because I thought about how to manage the finance aspect before I went.

My parents were completely unimpacted by me going to university. They made no contributions to my course.

There were always socially awkward people, you're just looking back with rose tinted glasses. Watch Open All Hours - look how often Granville got bollocked for having no clue what to do or say. So many vintage sitcoms with grumpy older people exasperated at incompetent younger people. It's just generational exasperation.

I enjoyed the recent McDonald's ad that tackles this grumpy bias.

Our 2-year-old DD is quite shy… unless we’re at church as she’s already sussed to what old ladies to be friendly with (the ones who are in charge of the cake and biscuits!)

Turned around, and there she was sitting on her new friend’s knee yapping away eating custard creams.

Oh, Jesus Wept, we're bringing up a society of oddballs nowadays. No doubt somebody'll be on to defend this bizarre parenting.

In some streets yes, in others no. My street is very quiet, the neighbours are not around much to talk to.

Very few people go to church, surely you understand that?

You citing Church is a red herring. There are plenty of situations in which people of every persuasion interact. I'm shy myself, painfully so as a child and in my early teens, but I sure as Hell realised I had to overcome that in order to get on in life, and my point of view and opinion were just as valid as anybody else's.

But teenagers under 17 can't possibly drive so they need to be able to use public transport or cycle surely

I know, we don't go ourselves (only went today to please my parents)

I'm in a county famed for its lack of socialness but neighbours still talk to each other, at least in the areas I've lived. But we're on holiday in the UK now and people are very chatty to strangers so I find it hard to imagine children growing up not conversing with older people.

That's where these smothery helicopter parents do their damage by shuttling their kids about in steel, four wheeled cocoons, thereby shielding their kids from everything and everyone.

Gosh, you sound angry. DD uses public transport except when it is cancelled or the train drivers are on strike, so plan b is mum's taxi.Public transport isn't plentiful where we live, but we all use it when and where possible.

My daughter used public transport to cross the country when she was 13, with a friend. She hadn't had much experience of public transport except us occasionally taking the train to the city together but managed it well despite that.

Glad to hear it.