Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

“Far too many”? How many is it?

As a parent of a child who has just finished higher exams, the pressure the school puts on you to be involved is relentless. Email after email form the school generally with advice about what you should be doing, what your child should be doing, giving resources for helping them. Emails from heads of department or class teachers telling you what they are focusing on and what your should be doing, evening sessions at the school to tell you what they are doing and how to get involved, workshops where you go and do some of the lessons they are doing. Then there were the evening / weekend/ school holiday study sessions you had to get them to. It is non bloody stop.

My daughter largely took care of everything herself, but I did read through her English folio and gave her some pointers, not that it needed much. She set her own study plan and my only job was to stay out of her way but make sure she wasn’t over doing it. She insisted I went to all the meetings though, she said it was pressed upon the kids how important it was that we went and she didn’t want to be thought of as having absent parents.

Apart from the large part of MN that screams “they are an adult” if anyone suggests even giving their 18 year old a tenner to go out with.

@Cuhdddf that’s part of life, learning what choices to make without mummy on your back.

I saw a post on Facebook recently where a woman I know was saying she was throwing back the coffee so she could stay awake because she 'had' to drive into Edinburgh at 3 am to collect her 20 something son, his girlfriend, and their pals after their night out. What an effing reddy to ask your mum to collect you, ffs. I'd have rather dropped dead than do that at his age. We were expected to organise our own taxis and make our own way home. You're either grown up, or you're not.

My sister in law has done both her kids A levels for them. Also had to get involved in one at uni too as they are now too anxious to do anything for themselves. Ridiculous. I never had any help whatsoever. A little help & encouragement would have been really nice but I reckon I am one of the most resilient people I know now.

Now she's got two pathetic, gormless kids. Great work, mum...👏

“My sister in law has done both her kids A levels for them. “

Wow, @arggggg she must look really young for her age. Could you share the recipe of how she got into the exam hall and faked it?

Blimey, mine went to a grammar and we didn't get anything like that, just a bit of general advice about making sure they eat and sleep!

My parents weren't involved with mine or my siblings' A levels, they trusted us to just get on with it, and that's what I did with my eldest, who did fine and is now having a great time at uni. I've had to take a slightly different tack and be more involved with the younger one as she's AuDHD and has other mental health issues, so a lot more support needed, but all with the aim of getting her to a place of doing it all independently, just a bit more slowly than her brother.

How could she do the exams?

It depends on the context. We'll go and collect our adult sons from the airport at times, no different. Younger two are only 18 and 16 and don't drink or go out at night but if the older one did I'd rather offer to collect them so I knew they were safe.

Thinking back, my mum knew when my exams were because I told her, and she'd ask if I was revising enough but that was about it. Both parents took an interest though in my studies and asked questions about what I was learning, which I think is a really good way of parents being involved while not being over-involved or squashing independence.

I'm definitely more involved with DD's (15) education because I get so much more information than my parents did - on the school app I see when all her exams are, get her grades, see what homework is set (at least from the teachers who bother to use the app) but post-16 she'll be moving away for school so I'll be a lot less involved despite having more information than my parents did. I just have to trust that I have raised her well enough to continue to take her studies seriously when I'm not there asking if she's studied for her next test or done her homework.

Surely there’s a reasonable halfway point between doing the kids work for them (a friend boasted that ‘she’ got an A on a paper she wrote for her Y7 son, what a surprise that a couple years later he was caught trying to pass off a piece of photography he got off the internet as his own), and a parent who is barely aware that her child is taking A levels (yes same class year a mum didn’t even know what subjects her child was taking). My DD was totally independent about her revising but I still knew what subject and when she was taking her exams, I went to university open days with her and helped her decide what unis to apply to.
Some children need more help than others, but you don’t do the work for them, you encourage and support, and be there if things don’t go as planned, and celebrate when they do!

I'm definitely more involved with DD's (15) education because I get so much more information than my parents did - on the school app I see when all her exams are, get her grades, see what homework is set

I agree that modern technology means that parents are more involved. DD took GCSEs 10 years ago and A levels 8 years ago and while I knew what subjects she was taking and when her exams were I didn't get the level of communication from the school that parents do these days.

It does feel that the stakes are higher now even from 8 years ago, but some of the stuff I have read on this thread is mind boggling.

Parents really aren't helping their DC by doing things for them. They are just delaying their independence.

I heard this too. This is so unfair to students who fend for themselves. Ridiculous parents setting their kids to fail.

Some of you have no idea about child development, attachment theories or the fact that times have CHANGED since we were kids/teens... Educate yourselves people 🤦🏽‍♀️
And before you come at me, there are huge differences between healthy involvement, active parenting and control, micromanaging

Oh and just because that's how it was or what we did as kids/teens doesn't make it better or the "right" way

I've noticed a few posters on this thread say they didn't get involved, they just hired tutors when necessary. Most parents can't afford tutoring so how should they provide equivalent help without being accused of over-involvement?

Similarly some schools (particularly some private schools) give a lot of individual support and one-to-one career/university guidance, take kids on university visits, etc. My child is at a sixth form college and won't get a single university visit through college.

It's easy not to be over-involved when school and tutors do it all for you.

DD's school didn't arrange university visits. It was up to us. I took DD to open days because public transport wasn't viable (train strikes) and at 16/17 she didn't have the confidence to go on her own. None of her friends were interested in the same universities as her either.

It was certainly my experience but also back in the 80,s it was acceptable to get a job at 16 and not go to college or uni. These days the governments have rammed down our throats about standards, exams, college and then uni and so no wonder parents are more wrapped up in their childs education. Im a teacher and I can think of at least 6 kids in every class who really shouldnt be there theyd benefit more from learning a practical skill.

Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents.

The understanding of brain development at 16+ and consequently society's approach to education/employment/marriage/relationships have changed a lot in the past three decades.

What was done in the past was not automatically the correct approach.

My view is that thirty years ago many people had way too little advice, guidance, emotional support, safeguarding in their post-16 young adulthood.

Good parents have always been supportive without taking over or stifling independence. That should continue past 16.

I agree with this and I’m a teacher!
My niece is has missed lots of family events including months before exams started.
It’s ridiculous.

Agree with this.

Have noticed people who were under-parented often characterise any engagement from parents as over-parenting.

There is and always has been a group of parents who support and empower.

Have people changed that much? And how have times changed so much in between siblings then .

And who.k ows it's the" right" way whatever way people do things