To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, you are a much more capable person than I am to have four!

I agree with this.

It reminds me of how my youngest child will come home and scream and tantrum at me when she’s been perfectly behaved at school - it’s because (and I actually hate this phrase because it’s a bit twee) I’m her “safe space”. I’m sure I’ve spent years having coffee with friends where I just stare into space with tiredness or use them as a shoulder to cry on. It’s not because I hate my life, I’m just needing to let it out at that moment.

And the tiredness, yes I’ve never known anything like it. But also, I found that I didn’t care that much (surprisingly).. Did the idea of another few years of interrupted sleep factor into my plans to have a second (and now third) DC? Not for a second. I’ll be tired for longer - that’s fine. It’s a small price to pay.

@SpottyAlpaca I am NOT saying that people who don’t want children should have them and I don’t believe there is anything sad about being childfree by choice. I guess I’m just saying that, having now come through the sleepless night years with 2 DC and having somewhat of a life back, it’s not illogical for me to be pregnant for #3 - I’m not expecting a different outcome! I know I’m going to be a tired zombie again and that’s (more than) ok with me.

I only wanted one child as my relationship with my sibling has been fraught and I didn't want to risk that with my own children.

But when I had a baby I just loved everything about it and the urge for another was very strong. I feel sad that I'll never experience those early years again (we tried for a second but weren't able).

This is so interesting, and hits home.

I’ve previously said on here my only sibling is a drug addict. He’s a very frustrating person to be around. The only thing we really have in common now is the same mum and dad and childhood memories. This isn’t enough for us to have a good relationship. I often feel like an only child as we are so different. I love him, but i think i would have been perfectly happy as an only child.
Some sibling relationships are lovely, but in my friendship circle i can think of more bad or indifferent than good.

Not everyone feels how you do OP. I’ve never felt at the end of my tether and have loved being a parent. My friends are the same.

When we had our first, we were so happy that we knew we wanted more. We only stopped at two because we wanted to be able to give them both lots of time and opportunities. For us, the love we have for our children is like nothing else and we wanted to experience that with another child.

Good thread. I have 2 its costly as older college etc. Never liked 3 as I have 2 sisters and always felt left out. Even as adults now. So not a given siblings will be close.

I was an "only" until I was 10. I wasn't lonely, I had schoolfriends locally that I used to see at weekends and in school holidays, and my DM was an SAHM, so she was around all the time. I was a bookish child, always reading (no daytime tv or streaming services in the 1960s) when I wasn't playing with friends. And we used to go out a lot, I think I'd been to most of the museums in London by the time I finished primary.

I always find threads like this strange. People have (or normally have) the amount of children they want whether it be 0-5. I find it strange that people are badgered or have to feel they need to justify the choices they make in this respect.

People's reasons for the number of children they want will be individual to them. And for a lot of people maybe they get on fine with one and think they'll manage with two and struggle with that. Few of us know how the reality will turn out. Maybe some people are prepared for a few hard years until their kids grow up and they hopefully see the benefit of sibling relationships. Some people cope effortlessly with a large brood. Some people stick with one because they know that's their capacity.

All these decisions are of course absolutely valid. No one should have to defend or explain their choices!

The absence of an urge to procreate varies widely across individuals and but usually is attributed to a combination of psychological, social, and physiological factors.

I know that! I’m very aware it’s me who is a bit crap and can’t cope with two, but it also isn’t just me. There are a lot of frazzled and unhappy parents out there and I’m wondering why we do it to ourselves.

Hello, are you me? 😆 I love my siblings dearly and I do feel guilty my son won’t have that, but exactly as you said - I just don’t have the capacity to be a good mum to more than one child.

To be honest, why else are we here if not to procreate? It keeps the world turning.

Exactly. Self deprecating... It has to be. Though I have to say I only see this on Mumsnet. I have never heard anyone with children - in real life - moaning to a childfree person about how 'lucky' they are having no children.

Loads of childfree people on here make this claim, that all these tired and frazzled mummies are coming up to them and telling them that they 'envy' them, and all their 'surplus income' and 'free time,' and that they're better off not having children.

I have never experienced this happening in real life. I have loved/enjoyed having children for the vast majority of the time I have had them, but even during the few tough times when it was hard going, I never said to the childfree people I know 'oh you are so lucky, having no children! I do envy you. I wish I was you!' It just never happened. And I have never ever heard anyone else say it. And as I said, I do wonder (if someone does actually say it,) if it's some self deprecation thing that the British do so well?

Some people may even feel slightly sorry for the childfree people, so they're trying to play it down, that they actually love being a mum. Many women don't want to talk about how they love being a mother (to childfree women,) in case it comes across as smug, or like 'don't you wish YOU had children...?'

I definitely felt that too. I used to also worry that if anything was to happen to my first child I wouldn’t want to carry on but obviously would have to if I had a second. I thought about that a lot! As it is I don’t think love does get shared. You just find more love. It’s a slightly different kind of love I have for my eldest. My littlest one you can’t not love. She demands it!

I think there’s a lot of pressure not to stop at one. People can be weird about only children. Personally I think it can be a good thing. No competition for attention or resources. We had two and I wanted a third. Quite glad we stopped at two now!

My mum regretted having two and I only had one and have never regretted it for a moment.
Lots of my friends were completely stressed out with their 2 or more kids when they were young and I always felt glad just to have one.

I didn’t have an only child as an only child, he was the only child of us as parents. It wasn’t my plan or my first choice but ultimately there was a choice involved, yes.

I couldn’t have children and yes you are right, there is absolutely no point to my life.

I don’t think pp meant that someone without kids has no point to their life. Rather that all living species exist because of procreation and without that they’d be no point as the species would die out.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but is this a riddle? I can’t understand your post at all.

Sure but I’m not meaning it as an existential question. I suppose for me my life would be happy with one and it isn’t with two if I am honest. And from the replies I had when I posted this question elsewhere others feel the same. So I guess I wonder why we want more than one. It does seem to be ‘to give the existing child a brother / sister’ in many cases,

Sorry it’s probably too basic to post really - a banal point. Just that a family isn’t a selection of components bolted together, it’s a system. So having an only child isn’t a decision you make separately from the resources you have as a couple.

I never thought about giving my first a sibling. I thought I’d quite happily stick with one. One definitely ticked the baby box for me. I definitely had no plans to have a second. One and a demanding career was enough for me. However, I fell pregnant a second time and I was amazed that I actually found it a lovely surprise. I was truly delighted. I’m so pleased it happened. After the first year managing two small kids, which was chaotic and hard, I felt so blessed to have two. And have ever since, they’re 17 and 15 now.

Your

It’s probably is simple but I didn’t really understand it I’m so sorry - would you mind explaining?!