To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

Because I was an only child, and never wanted that for my children. All
though it took me 10 years for the second as I have had to have a lot of ivf for both. But actually it’s been a great age gap as I can give them both the gome
they need.

I had three because I'm an only child and I didn't want that for my DS. It was great for us, they are adults now and get on really well and always talk about what a lovely childhood they had.

Raising a happy family has been my proudest life achievement, far more than my professional career.

Because that’s your experience. The amount of comments assuming people have a second because they are forced by society, or a spare sibling, not because they actually want another child. How they could give one more, theres more to life than having things.

If the average birth rate had always been 2 kids per couple then we’d surely not have any population issues, either over or under. The replacement rate is 2 per couple, spacing them out over a standard generation gap.

When I say give her more, it's not about things. It's about the time and attention. That's what I was lacking after my sister came along, because she needed (still needs) it. My parents haven't had any issues giving us both money or material things and I couldn't care less about them.

Your experience is that having multiple children is never at all frazzling? I have one and some days I am done in by it all. Children in general are frazzling. And I didn't say you'd give less because of being more frazzled. I simply said they must be more work because there's more of them.

Only one child here.
Didn't want a second but my husband did - I asked him (at the time) to reduce hobby of climbing every Wednesday evening and every Sunday to every other Sunday and every other Wednesday. We did not have a second child!! 😂
When my son was young - I did ask him if he wanted a sibling, he always said NO! with quite a lot of venom.

l am not an only child or don’t have an only child but there is posters on this thread who have described their experiences as an only child, good and bad.
I have two friends who were only children, one has five children and another happily has none, very different experiences.

I had/have 2 with a very close age gap (roughly a year, both girls,) and they have both never known a life without the other, and they get on really well, and always have - apart from a year or two in their teens when they were at each others throats a bit! Now both nearly 30 and are really good mates, and in each others lives weekly. (They live half a mile apart, both about 20 miles from us in a large town...)

No regrets about having two children here.

I do know quite a number of people though. who have 2 that really don't get on, and it's almost exclusively when it's 2 boys. Girls/sisters tend to be close, and so do brothers and sisters, but in many families I know with 2 boys, the boys don't get on. (They do in some families of course, but sister-sister, and sister-brother relationships tend to get on better IME and IMO.)

Before I had a child, I always imagined having 2. I have a sister, we have a great relationship now, we also got along well as children (until we were teens!) My husband has a brother, but they have no relationship, so he only imagined having one.

It is never a guarantee that siblings will get on. We only ended up having one, but i don't regret it and never yearned for a second/third like some people do.

I wouldn’t be able to manage two sets of one on one time, birthday parties, play dates, homework support, extracurriculars, school fees, sports competitions, university support, house deposits, weddings, childcare etc. in the same way I can for one.
I would love to hear how you guys see it because it’s not something you can really ask about irl.

I have 4
Didn't need childcare as I was a SAHM. No school fees.
Birthday parties weren't a problem just soft play when young. Got to a certain age didn't want parties anymore.
Homework wasn't a problem.
Only after school sports clubs in the week at primary.
2 did brownies and guides.
Secondary sorted that themselves.
No sports competitions. Only football for 1
1 went to university they had a job so they didn't really need any support
No house deposits. How many parents can afford to do that.
Haven't got to weddings yet.

The poster asked for reasons. That was the primary reason. I didn’t really do it for me as knew the birth would be awful, my body would suffer and I’d have probably years of no sleep.

I really wanted another one, simple as that really (obviously my DH agreed!)
I would have loved more but it wasn’t practical

This. I never wanted children until I reached my thirties and it was like something kept tugging at me to have one. Definitely biological to keep the human race going.

And yet many of us never seriously contemplated a second child. And many people choose not to have children. Do some of us just not have the same biological imperative to keep the human race going?

I heard something once which stuck with me
a bit. That a sibling is likely the only person who knows you your entire life. No one else can relate to you in the same way, no one else has the same house, parents, upbringing, extended family, shared experiences and life events. And they’ll know you through your whole life. No one else is really there from birth until death (give or take a few years either end) I know not all siblings get on and the choice to have only one child is perfectly valid, but I do believe the sibling relationship is a special one. The older I get, the more myself and my sibling reminisce about things from the most and share in jokes, memories and experiences that no one else could share with us. I’m not saying it’s a reason to have 2 kids, everyone makes their own choice, but above said I think this relationship is very unique

I find this question quite strange. People have more than one because their biology is set up that way. To maintain society. To create a family that is larger than three.

A large part of the reason people find it so hard is because society is set up to make it hard. It's not having kids that is the problem, that's just normal.

It's society that's not set up to let kids and parents live in a happy and healthy way.

I think maybe the answer is yes, some people don’t have that same drive to have children. And that’s fine. I remember before I had kids I tried hard to find the reason who I wanted them, and to make sure it was a good reason. was it to care for me in my old age, was it because everyone else was doing it, in the end I realised I didn’t have a good reason other than that I wanted them which I can only assume is biology/hormones. If some people didn’t have that, then the human race would die out so ultimately I’m fine with my hormones directing my choices in this regard.

I found it easier with two dcs than with one 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But why do we carry on? You said it yourself. Parenting one feels ok so why would it be different with the second?

I was an only until nearly 8 years old and very lonely. I struggled to relate well to other children. I didn’t want that for my oldest. As it happens they both have autism but present it completely different ways. Chances are I do too which accounts for the childhood loneliness but I didn’t know that when the kids were tiny.

I have no regrets and seeing the sibling relationship has been given us so much joy. They don’t always get on particularly as teenagers. But they still laugh together a lot and have each other’s backs. It’s also felt me feel less responsible when things have been challenging, they are so different that when they are being difficult it is obviously nature rather than nurture. They are both loving and caring kids who have overcome lots of challenges. When they were small weekends and holidays were easier as they would often entertain each other. I find friends’ only DC so demanding.

And when you are an only child, you also know the loneliness you get with it.

Because they might moan about the bad bits but they are absolutely loving the good bits in a way that outweighs it all. It doesn't make any sense from the outside - it doesn't make logical sense at all - but they're not doing the same thing hoping for a different outcome at all: they want more of the same.

I was going to be one and done. Then the universe laughed at me and I had twins.
I'm done. Definitely done.

also, there is a very real possibility that even if a parent with children feels that it’s the best thing they’ve ever done, can’t imagine their life without them, and it fully completes them, they might not express that to someone who has chosen to be child free. More likely to moan about how hard it is.

For us, we want to keep the family line going. We also want loads of grandchildren! I'm pregnant with number 4 at the moment, and I'm hoping I can have another one (...or two) after this.

Our greatest gift to the world are our children.

In terms of money, that’s only something you can know - you either have enough money for two sets what you want to pay for (school fees, university, deposits) or not.

In terms of time and play dates, extra curriculars etc - there is no issue in my experience.

About 50% of the play dates my oldest will go to include my second child anyway as the friend will have a similarly aged sibling (and realistically most parents make a bit of an effort to try to engineer friendships when there are two sets of siblings with a similar gap at the same school as it suits everyone). If not included, it’s 1-1 time with the other one 🤷‍♀️ as past about age 6 you wouldn’t tend to stay at play dates anyway.

For some extra curriculars you can try and arrange for them to both have them at the same time - I managed for both my kids to have swimming lessons, in the same pool but in different groups, at the same time. Plenty of people I know do school arranged extra curriculars on the same day (eg child A in football and B in coding, so a late pick up for both). Also when it doesn’t suit, again it’s built in one on one time. So on Saturdays my second child has extra curriculars in the morning, during which my DH and I take the first child out to a coffee shop and it’s really nice. The same is repeated during the week when first child has a club and second child and I wait around the corner eating cake in a shop and reading the school book for the day.

Parties are a non issue for the most part. I’d happily stayed and watched Child A, bringing Child B with me when B was a baby or a young toddler so automatically not included in numbers / party bags. Then when B was old enough that they needed not to be there, A was old enough to be left anyway. Even if there was no B I’d still be leaving A anyway as past a certain age most parties are drop off.