To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

?

To be completely honest I had a boy first and I wanted to try for a girl. Lucky for me that's what happened. I just wanted a relationship like I had with my mum. I'm so glad I have two and would have loved a third but financially that didn't make sense. If I won the lottery tonight I'd probably have a few more. They are freaking awesome.

I think sometimes people want to replicate their own family. Both DH and I have siblings and neither of us could imagine not giving our son at least one. Not that there’s anything wrong with only having one child, it just wasn’t how either of us pictured family life. I also really wanted another baby probably due to hormones.

Most of my friends who had a girl first just stuck at one. I did want a girl I must admit.

I had a boy and desperately wanted another boy as growing up one of 3, I was the only girl and always left out. It always seemed to me as well that people with same gender sibling relationships were always closer too. Lucky I got my second boy and I'm delighted my son has a brother! I'd probably only have a 3rd if I could be guaranteed a 3rd boy!

I know you weren't but even in this thread people are talking about their experiences as only children and people are barging in with "well I had siblings and still experienced this!" - as if noone who is an only child can ever speak to their experience without someone telling them it doesn't count somehow. It happens every time the issue of being an only child comes up on here and I dont see it happening to people when they are describing difficult experiences with siblings for example. It's really bloody tiresome and always comes from defensiveness which isnt my problem I'm afraid.

@lemonsilkbalm i think the problem is (and this doesn’t just apply to siblings but anything you can think of in parenting) it just is not possible to predict or control how adult children will feel about decisions you make when they're small children (assuming that the decision isn't to abuse them of course!)

So with anything like adding to your family or working vs SAHM or the school you decide they attend … they could say that it was the right decision and thank you! Or they could feel the opposite. I passed an exam to go to a private girls’ school aged eleven and my parents decided not to send me which I was much aggrieved about at the time but as an adult with children of my own I have a more balanced view about.

I do think some only children have a tendency to believe everything in their childhood would have been better had they had a sibling and maybe they are right but just as my fantasy children behaved perfectly and slept well, fantasy siblings are probably more supportive and loving than the real ones!

Yes I agree. My DH is an only child and he hated it - he loves big families and wishes he could've had siblings. He loves my siblings and prefers to come to my house over his parents as a result (he says his friends with multiple siblings just felt so much more like a family). I never mention in real life that that's the reason my DH definitely didn't want just one child, as parents with just one child seem to get really offended. Personally, I loved the relationship with my siblings and always wanted multiple kids - it's definitely a different type of family to having one kid imo!

That's a parent problem, not an only child problem. I never felt any pressure whatsoever from mine, and I wasn't lonely or bored and my parents never micro managed me.

I’m an only child and as an adult I would so dearly love a sibling. I wanted to offer DC1 the opportunity for something I didn’t have. My kids do fight somethings but they love each other so so much too. I would give anything to have that myself. But as a parent, yes, two kids is way more tiring than one!!!

Once again, that is only your experience. I used to worry about how I would cope when my parents aged, like everything else in life I just got on with it and it was actually fine.

My DH has a brother, they have barely spoken in over 20 years.

I have three friends who are only daughters - guess who did the lion's share of any looking after, decision making etc. when their parents aged, and they were also the only ones still living near their parents. One has four brothers!

If my second had been born first we would have stopped at one I think. Both were easy babies, but my eldest stayed incredibly easy going, total homebody, non confrontational, low energy

My youngest is a whirlwind, he's out at clubs 3 evenings after school and at least one day of the weekend just to keep him a little bit less intense. He absolutely can not sit still (he's awaiting adhd assessment) and is very full on.

I couldn't afford, nor do I have the energy for 2 of my 6 year year old, I adore him and am his biggest fan. But I don't want to parent 2 of him! So had he come first I would have stopped at him 🤣

Reasons why I have 2:

• really strong urge to have another child - couldn't imagine not having more than 1
• wanted my children to have a shared experience of family life, especially as we're a mixed heritage family so family life looks a bit different from lots of their friends
• I'm an only child and it does feel lonely
• unlikely to have cousins (or second cousins) of a similar age and being the only kid in a whole family is quite intense and lonely
• grandparents, parents and cousins all have lovely, supportive relationships with siblings
• having just 1 felt overly intense to me - both in terms of DS being a huge focus of adult attention (from parents and the wider family) and in terms of his expectation that we would be constantly playing with him.

I have to say almost as soon as DD was born, our family felt instantly more balanced to me - the kids and the parents rather than like a triangle honing in on DS.

The thing about having to do all the caring when your parents get older is often swept under the carpet by those with siblings.
It is harder when it all falls on the only child.
Yet time and time again those with siblings often claim it’s just as bad for them when it really isn’t.
Yes some people do less than others but on the whole, the work can never be as hard and draining because you are sharing the load.
Anyway, it’s nobody else’s business is you have one child or 2.

See I have to admit I do think the concept of having a second child to ensure that the first child doesn’t carry the load of caring for ageing parents who may not age and may not need care if they do age, a bizarre one! I’m not in that position and won’t ever be so maybe that’s why it baffles me.

I do know someone who said they had a second child so the burden of caring for them when they aged would be reduced. I too thought it was a strange thing to say at the time, but now I completely get it.

DH and I both have multiple siblings with whom we have loving, supportive relationships. Our lives would be immeasurably poorer without them. There was never any question that we’d give our DC the opportunity to have the same.

You can’t control whether your kids get on, but the chances of that happening are considerably higher when said kids exist.

I think you see the opposite side when you don't get on with your own siblings, though.

I think that’s a perfectly fair point.

I understand where you’re coming from but I think it’s about having someone who is experiencing the same things as you when it comes to parents (ageing or otherwise). My DF died when I was very young and I felt very alone in my grief for him and sometimes still do. He didn’t get the opportunity to age and become someone who depended on me, but having a sibling who I could share that grief in might have really helped.

I think you are just overwhelmed right now. Whilst I don’t have a relationship with my sibling I can see how much my kids love each other and how having a sibling has enriched their childhood.

Possibly but you can also end up in a caring role for those siblings (especially if the only or oldest girl) and your own grief is forgotten about. I was never really allowed to grieve my mother.

How do you know your mum regretted having two children?
Did she actually tell you that? Or through her actions?
Either way, it's a pretty awful thing for a child to know that about their parent and I am sorry you do, it must be hard to know that.

I hope and assume that anyone who does have these feelings keeps it to themselves because surely it's pretty damaging to children to know they or their siblings are "regretted" by their parents?

I feel this massively. Since I was about 7 I've been told I need to look after my sister. And the expectation is that when those bad times come, I deal with them and look after her.

Even both being adults, married with our own homes, I often get told things like dads in for tests for xyz but don't tell your sister, she'll only worry.

I am not going to be allowed to fully grieve when the time comes, because I'll have to handle everything and stop her falling apart. And she falls apart if her car needs new tyres, so I'm dreading the future tbh.

Yes. It depends on the sibling dynamics and certainly in my case it shapes and moulds your personality. Which can be a good thing but also not. I think intentionally or otherwise parents can categorise children as the difficult one, sensitive one, sensible one, calm one, brave one and these labels can last into adult life because when you have two one is kind of juxtaposed with the other.

I’ve done a very bad job of explaining that but I mean if you have one brave fearless child it’s easy to see the other as cautious, timid or whatever when they aren’t …