To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

I probably would have had more than my two if I had been any good at the actual giving birth thing. I’m really good at bringing them up I think. It’s just that pushing malarkey that gives me gip.
Like most other species there’s a certain biological impulse but I think we might be evolving beyond that a bit.
But we do need some people to have more than their 2.5 so they grow up and pay tax.

But it is in the best interests of the child, if the parents don't want more children. Imagine being brought up in a home where it's obvious the parents aren't happy or you weren't really wanted. Or for the first one going from happy, good parents to burnt out frazzled ones who regret expanding the family.

You might not realise it, talking about the benefits of siblings, but kids feel it when parents aren't happy with being a parent, whether that's to one or two, or more.

IME having siblings is miserable when your parents age. My 2 were no help whatsoever, I may as well have been an only child for all the good they were.

Imagine being brought up in a home where it's obvious the parents aren't happy or you weren't really wanted. Or for the first one going from happy, good parents to burnt out frazzled ones who regret expanding the family.
Do you honestly believe that loving caring parents who adore their child would make a second child feel unwanted?? You get burnt out from one or two or three, DH helps a lot. Love grows, the frazzled phase passes, it’s a very short time in the scheme of things.

I see this is many people’s experience. Bro was useless for helping before my parents died. My sisters were brilliant we pulled together.

Not just the second child. But I believe that parents who don't actually want two, but do it "because it's the right thing" will be more likely to burn out or be resentful. And that will change how they parent, how they act around their children, how the children feel.

I see it in my friend. She tries so hard to make sure DC1 doesn't feel left out she basically ignores DC2 and then complains when they act out. Every time DC2 needs something she talks about how it impacts DC1.

I saw it in my own parents. My sister "needs more" and so I got pushed out (that's how it felt at 6,7,8 etc and still to this day sometimes).

If parents don't want a second child, it is not in the interests of the first to do it anyway.

I’m also fortunate that I find having two easier than being alone with one (so much so that no 3 is being added). Yes it’s harder when they are little and you are trying to do two bedtime and running from one to the other and back again .. and it’s harder when you’re trying to help with homework and the other one calls for help and again you’re running back and forth and feeling inadequate. But then you have so many days out or lazy days in the garden when the children just play together and you are just so, so grateful. Adult company for children just isn’t the same and there is no way I could give either of them what they get so easily from each other.

I’m always surprised when people mention how siblings gets along as adults though. I barely talk to my sibling these days but it doesn’t mean I don’t think my childhood was enriched by us being a bit of a team and me not being alone with my very serious (and a bit odd) parents. For my own children, I am glad they are sharing their childhood. Whether they are still close friends at 40 isn’t really the point.

That’s a very rose-tinted view.

It’s my experience. 🤷‍♀️ it wasn’t always easy but we’re here, all in love, it was worth it.

I had 4 twins in the middle only 5 years between oldest and youngest. I enjoyed parenting very much and I was able to be a SAHM for a few years. I do feel I was very lucky as they were all very content none of them were velcro babies and they always got on together. I can quite understand if someones first is is very clingy and can never be put down and cries all the time would put you off having a second.

What a stupid thing to say. Do people who have not 'provided' their child with a sibling love their child less then?

Did you consider that not all siblings get along? Or that a sibling might have a disability or simply a personality type that diverted a disproportionate amount of your time, attention and energy away from your first?

You wanted more than one. Nothing wrong with just saying that.

I just, wanted another. I can't really describe it. I think siblings are great but my second definitely doesn't exist just to be a sibling to my first. But then I'm (hopefully) having a third so clearly I didn't find having a second to be too much. Maybe this will be the one that tips us over the edge 😂

As someone who is very happily childfree by choice, this is the biggest thing about parenting that I will never, ever understand. I get why people have their first child, it’s normal & natural after all and people don’t know what they are letting themselves in for.

Time & again I have seen excited first-time parents transformed into stressed-out, sleep-deprived, exhausted zombies who do nothing but constantly moan about what a total nightmare having children is. The, a couple of years later they are expecting another. Then the cycle repeats but worse because they now have two.

Why? It’s the old saying about doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different outcome being the definition of madness.

Because 2yos are very cute and I was gaslit into having a second and by the time the terrible 3s hit it was too late.

But actually sometimes having two is easier than one I think and sometimes it’s harder. Yesterday for example they came home from
school/nursery and spent two hours playing together in the garden without needing any adult input. The day before they spent an hour making a zoo with magnetic blocks and animal toys.

Same in the mornings, they both get up and play until adults get up. Maybe some only children will do that too but it does feel like having two relatively close in age means that they are quite happy just the two of them.

If I take one of them to soft play, they inevitably want me to join them in there. When I take both, they just disappear and I only see them when they come looking for snacks.

But then there are times where they are at each others throats, pushing and shoving, ‘she looked at me, I don’t want her looking at me!’ They’re actually pretty good together out of the house, but inside we have good days and bad.

I was a pretty happy only child, but I did rely on my mum a lot for some stuff that my kids will do together.

But the experiences of people whose parents were not able to do what you did show that it is a rose tinted view. You had a great experience and I'm so happy for you that that's the case.

My parents were not able to do that for me. My sister would say it's great, and my parents are still here and all in love. But my childhood was not enhanced by having my sister and my adulthood will not be easier because she's here.

I refuse to do that to my child when I know I'm not capable of giving more than one a good life. That's in her best interest.

I’m an only child and didn’t like it so it was never a question I wanted two. But actually I find their relationship delightful. Yes they fight but they stick up for each other too, and a lot of the time they make parenting much easier- they will play together, they are less scared of new things if they have each other.

I do sometimes think I need to carve more 1:1 tome out but I have zero regrets. And having lost one parent, I’m even more grateful they have each other.

it's not a problem. we don't need more people in the world. it's a good thing the birth rate is dropping

As a very happy one-and-done mum I don't see why anyone wants more than 1, to me it's ideal as you get to experience being a parent but it's so much easier to have a career, time to yourself, time as a couple, hobbies, a tidy house, more money etc. and we are helping reduce the population over time, and less impact on the planet. I think too many people have a 2nd because they think they ought to, rather than actually wanting to or realising the reality.

Surely it's even worse having a sibling who doesn't support or help at all. That must be even more frustrating and disappointing.

That’s tough.
I do understand your reasoning.
I mean that genuinely. You’ll have a wonderful bond with her.
The sword cuts both ways, by saying people with more than one are frazzled and can’t give their children the best is also insulting.
So instead of judging each other, assuming one choice is better than the other. It’s not, both are valid lovely choices.

Same here.

And pregnancy isn't good for you, however many babies we are actually "meant" to produce by nature. Better to quit while you're ahead and everything is still intact "down there".

They are. But I think telling people they've done wrong by not having a second child they don't want is worse than assuming parents of multiples are frazzled. One can be frazzling, so two must be more, right?

But if you genuinely wanted that life, it'll be worth it. It won't be if you didn't though.

We had 3 years between dc 1 & 2. I found having one dc was more difficult, having to constantly entertain her. I love that they can play with each other now and Im not having to entertain the first for the rest of her life!

I agree - there seem to be a few accepted "truths" which we need to debate and decide if they really are truths or not.

One is that we need lots of babies.

Two is we need to build lots of houses.

I don't think we need lots of babies. Needing people to wipe our bottoms when we get older is not a good enough reason to pollute our overcrowded island even more.

And I don't think we need to build lots of new houses. Although it might be worth demolishing some old housing stock and building some decent new houses. But then you have the problem of where you house people while you do that.

I believe that love probably does grow but time, attention, and money don’t.

If I had another the amount I have to give to my child would be diminished because it would mean having to think about being fair. I wouldn’t be able to manage two sets of one on one time, birthday parties, play dates, homework support, extracurriculars, school fees, sports competitions, university support, house deposits, weddings, childcare etc. in the same way I can for one.

I would love to hear how you guys see it because it’s not something you can really ask about irl.