To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

I have to say almost as soon as DD was born, our family felt instantly more balanced to me - the kids and the parents rather than like a triangle honing in on DS.

I think this is how I felt too, and one of the reasons I preferred being a parent of two. Of course I found life busier with two, but with one it had felt intense in a different, and to me less enjoyable, way. Lots of people have said that a good thing about having one is that you can give them your full attention, but I'm not sure that for me both of us giving all our attention to one child was such a great dynamic! I think I am naturally a bit of an obsessor/perfectionist, and for me having two forced me to let some small stuff go in a way that was pretty positive. But I am also perhaps influenced by DH, who was an only child and found it intense in a not great way.

I don’t regret the individuals but I don’t enjoy having two.

its been explained 1000’s of times why people have a 2nd or 3rd but your determined stick on the concept that people have their 2nd for their first, they want two children, it isn’t a spare or a playmate, they are a very much wanted and loved second or third child.
You imagine all sibling relationships are about rivalry or torture but it’s amazing for many families.
If you want to have one child that’s fine, no point in pretending that others have two for silly reasons.
I live in an area with a lot of children, some from one, some from larger families, who all play happily. Especially on the rainy days, we built castles out of cushions and blankets, had colouring competitions.
Teaching children to respect their sibling, share and care from an early age sets them up as closer siblings. It’s mostly parents who cause the division between sibling relationships.
There is nothing wrong but bring an only but there also nothing wrong with having siblings.

I get that but I still don't think it's something that should be relayed to the kids involved as is the case with the pp who appears to know her mum regretted having more than one child.

@EmeraldShamrock000 i am talking to people. If you don’t like that then feel free to find another thread. I’m not being told to stfu on my own thread thanks

I have two children. I don’t think it’s rivalry or torture for them. I think they have a great time. It’s me who is miserable and wondering WTF I’ve done to myself!

I never said STFU.
I am entitled to comment on any thread. I’m not saying it’s easy. Believe it or not I had moments of regret too, my DS was a very difficult baby, both have genetic conditions, on different levels, DD is kind patient loving, DS much very impatient, boisterous as a younger child. The hard part will pass, you won’t always feel like it is a chore.
My apologies, these threads really reinforce any fears that parents have about having a second child. No one said it was easy, every year gets easier but it’s not hell on earth either.
Hos old are your children?

I only have one. I was so anxious my entire pregnancy that something would go wrong, I couldn’t “roll the dice” again in case I got a different result.

But other people are also giving their experiences, which gives a balanced view of why people have made the decisions they have, how a range of people feel about it etc.

OP, and in fact anyone, is allowed to have a conversation with people saying either things.

There's a lot of people on a lot of threads who will try and force their opinions or beliefs as an absolute fact or the only right thing. OP hasn't done that, she's just giving her experience and asking questions.

The hard part will pass, you won’t always feel like it is a chore

Maybe not for the parents. But having a younger sibling is now a chore for me. And she's still work for my parents despite being in her mid thirties and married with her own home.

Your experience is that it's been worth it. That is not everyone's. And that is ok.

Comment away, just don’t reply with that bossy bristling tone like you’re talking to a stroppy eight year old I have told you three times and I’m not telling you again!

I don’t believe the hard part passes. It was easier when one was a baby. Easier not easy. It has got progressively worse since.

I’m a bit baffled by this. Why does that only apply to the first one? You get having a child to have a child, but not having two (or three, or however many) to have two?

I suppose so, yes. Why does that baffle you? I have a car; I don’t need another one, after all.

Bossy tone? Pot/kettle.
Maybe join a parenting class for RL support.
The good is supposed to outweigh the bad, if this is not happening for you, seek some outside help.
Before you assume I’m berating you again, I’m not, when DS was first diagnosed, I got outside support. It shouldn’t be this horrible.

Unless the parenting class has a time turner it won’t help thanks. But as I’ve said above, I’m not being ordered off my own thread. It was actually interesting and for the most part civil until you ordered me off it!

You haven’t explained why, though. Why does it only apply to the first one?

The car analogy doesn’t work. Cars are fungible, depreciating assets of varying value and many people will, in fact, own more than one in their lifetime.

My two are grown up but despite a big age gap they are really good friends. My DSis died so I am an only child technically and I find it difficult dealing with very aging parents on my own. I really miss being able to vent to her and have someone who understands.

But not at the same time, although I’m aware some people do.

So what I’m saying is that you (general you, not specific) have a baby to experience pregnancy and birth and having a baby and being a mum and having a family. Having done that, I wonder why we then seek to do it again because we already have those things.

I am not for a second saying there’s anything wrong with it; people don’t need to be defensive. I was just reflecting on the shitshow of my life 😂 and trying to make sense of my own motivations and feelings.

Sorry to hear of your loss @myavocadoisgrowing

When did I order you off your own thread?
I’ll leave you to your thread. I hope you managed to fake it around the children and they aren’t aware of your regrets.

I had two and they never got on. It is some years ago now, but my memories are they they fought constantly and the second one was bullied mercilessly by the eldest. They still don’t get on now really, despite being adults. With hindsight I would stick at one. Having said that, my sister was my best friend!

@EmeraldShamrock000 look, I don’t actually like arguments and bad feeling. The post of yours I took exception to was its been explained 1000’s of times why people have a 2nd or 3rd but your determined stick on the concept …

I didn’t appreciate the ‘it’s been explained 1000s of times’ but regardless that’s not what I’m asking. It isn’t about whether the second or third is loved.

I posted on a FB group the other day down and depressed and defeated and admitted I didn’t enjoy two children. I was surprised at how many said the same. And so I wondered … why do we do it. It really isn’t about ‘do you love your children’

So far, we have biology, wanting a particular sex and not having it first time, to give an existing child a sibling, so existing child isn’t caring for ageing parents alone and because they didn’t want just one child which is all totally reasonable!

I always find it strange that the care of elderly parents is somehow a factor for consideration for the number of kids you want. No one will know how this will pan out.

Of course having loving, supportive relationships with siblings to help with parents is always more beneficial. No one would argue with that. And of course doing it on your own is difficult and hard. But there are some only children who are absolute resolute they have it harder, that having a sibling would have made it easier and everyone with siblings has it easier than them.

I work in Older social work and find many situations where people have siblings are doing all the hard work AND having to deal with toxic family relationships and sibling resentment. In these cases many people would feel being an only child would be easier. And this is a discussion, people are always going to argue and defend their point even if it feels yours isn't acknowledged. Sometimes only childen have it harder, sometimes they don't. And I think there needs to be some recognition the fantasy sibling you have in your head might not be the one you get.

I think we are all different and experience things differently. I loved having two children even though the second was a nightmare when she was a baby and there were some hard times.
But I also understand how some people feel differently about it.

However, I do genuinely hope that things improve for you and that you get to a point where you can see some benefits and joy in having two children.

The thing I have realised with parenting over the years is that you are on constantly shifting sands & things change all the time as your children get older. I hope for you they change for the better.

Its basic biology. We are a tribal animal so have the basic urgw to reproduce and make more of ‘us’ so we are dominant. Then there is the fact that historically a high percentage of kids died in early childhood.
in modern times we want our children to have siblings etc. but years ago families had 6,7,8 plus kids and now 1-3 is the norm. Partly due to the expense, partly due to people having kids later so not enough time to have lots before menopause kicks in.

peoples personal experiences and situations will also affect it. I have 3, which I love and because I am adopted there was a subconscious need to have blood gamily that I am related to.

Indeed and also the assumption that you’ll get old and need care! Neither of those two things are a given and a poor reason to add to your family IMO.