AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

[PinkCatStripes]

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

I cannot believe you have someone like this in your children’s lives

Why do you only work part time? How old are dc?

How old are your kids? When you say part time, how part time?

to be fair I wouldn’t pay a larger portion of a mortgage on a house I owned less of, regardless of income.

He sounds a dick but why only part time? Not the best idea to move your kids in with someone who clearly resents them...

what ever you do, don't have children with this man

what does he bring to your life?

This….maybe he realises what he’s left himself in for.
Not the best way of dealing with it.
He should instead have a conversation with you - ideally the portion of the house he owns should reflect how much he’ll have put in totally, not just the split of the deposit.

I know financial arrangements in a marriage are important but I dont understand supposedly loving relationships and partnerships where everything centres around money.
Where is the loving and caring in your marriage OP. I couldn't live with someone who was so venal and unpleasant

I get why he's resentful. You and your kids are living in a home that he is paying the entire mortgage and bills on - but that you own more of! I think he isn't dealing with it brilliantly but this is undoubtedly a bit of a piss take when you're just swanning around working part time.

Your poor children. Are you so desperate for a man you are bringing them up in this type of environment?

I can understand him saying the DC are your responsibility although it’s quite petty

But not checking on dinner - why?? Because he earns more? wtf?

Ok maybe as some pp say he feels taken advantage of financially. If that’s the case he should say so and you solve the issue together, he shouldn’t try to “even the score” by doing less around the house.

You had kids before you met OH…you are now married hence he married you knowing the full package…now he doesn’t want to do any parenting (of his DSC) - is there a back story?!? Did he before? Has he changed? All sounds pretty worrying tbh - yes not his biological DC BUT presume you wouldn’t have paid more to a house with a OH that wasn’t invested in D(S)C.

The division of the house is split based on the amount paid in, so it’s not jointly owned 50/50. The ownership share changes based on the amount paid in, so when he pays the mortgage, his share increases. It’s not a marriage with joint finances by any stretch.

He is good with the kids and treats them, but day to days he’s working.
i have to share the children with EH so they are with us just over half the time. Complicated court arrangements mean my child cannot move schools - and is a long commute away. I mostly work 4 days a week, but am trying to do more hours when I can.

I think the thing here is that usually in a relationship if one partner is working p/t and contributing less financially it's because they are looking after their children(their being both partners). Here by working p/t and looking after your children it isn't really a contribution to the partnership in the same way if you know what I mean.

At the end of the day though he knew your financial situation and your family commitments before moving in with you. He shouldn't be berating you or making you feel inferior now.

Yes your new guy is mean..As many others will soon be along to tell you. Hope he will change or if not, I'd do a runner if I were you.

My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.

Your significant financial contribution gave you a greater proportion of the house though. His greater mortgage payments aren't giving him anything extra.

If the roles were reversed people would be telling OP that she didn't have to look after her partner's children or take on extra housework because her partner had children to look after. Yes, watching dinner for 10 minutes is a bit petty, but I wonder if you expect him to pick up housework regularly while you do child related things?

He sounds horrible. You need a serious conversation with him.

This is exactly it!

This seems quite fucked up tbh.

if all your money goes on your own extras, how would you have paid living costs if it wasn’t for him?
tbh I never would have done what he has done - he spends most of his salary on someone else’s kids who he doesn’t seem to like.

so that last sentence, that’s a pretty horrible environment for your kids.

I can’t see this lasting at all.

That is not a bad deal for him as he is directly benefiting if he pays more into the house. I suspect his issue is with the fact that you had a much bigger lump sum to pay into the house. I am not sure I could be with anyone who creates a bad atmosphere for my kids home. I got out of a damaging situation with my ex a year ago (where we shared ownership of a house ) and it really affected me and and my son. I hope you make the right decision for you and your kids as soon as possible. Oh and also why should you have to work full time if it doesn’t work for you.. I don’t get why people are saying you should.

Wasn't this discussed before you were married and bought the house.

So he pays more into the house he owns less of
and the majority of the bills for you and 2 kids that aren’t his
your definitely the winner here
time and time again on here when a husband has kid with the ex the general advice is his kids his problem
think you need a sit down chat with exportations and boundaries

For sure, I would be on benefits to supplement my income. I did get them previously, but once we lived together I could no longer claim. So my income reduced. I do have a professional job, just the income I get doesn’t cover the living costs.

the finances are not even, and they never will be as the salary disparity is huge.

He might be contributing more financially but he's not contributing respect or grace. You need to sit down with him and work out what you both expect from the other and if you are both satisfied with that. Resentment is just going to grow otherwise. Did you agree before you married how finances and housework etc would be split? If you can't agree what is fair (and once agreed it shouldn't keep being brought up) then you should separate and the sooner the better (for your DC and while you are still entitled to a bigger share of the house).

Well quite a bit of money for a start....

It's strange how on mumsnet stepmothers are advised not to parent or pay for their husbands children from a previous marriage but stepfathers are utter bastards unless the step up 100%