AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

[PinkCatStripes]

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

I do think resentment builds over time.

It reminds me of my friend who moved in with a man with 2 kids, he had a really nice place and it was very different to her old lifestyle. She liked the idea of a part time, ready made family.

Now reality is kicking in and it’s not all roses.
She is seeing her friends kids all growing up and her friends have got their independence back etc and they’ve got nice homes and money for holidays etc but she is ‘stuck’ with him helping him raise his DCs, he’s not as fun or nice as he once was etc.

I think it’s quite common to be swept up with things at the beginning but often the reality is very different.
I think if DH sees other people living on his salary with a much better lifestyle then he’s probably comparing his life to theirs.

I do think having stepkids often makes things more difficult.

I highly doubt it.

Even if OP was only earning £12k a year.
His salary is 6x hers and so he’d be on at least £70k a year.
So in total they’re receiving a minimum of £80k+ a year.

Benefits won’t be anywhere near even half of that amount.

I thought a pre nup wasn’t binding in the UK?

It doesn't take much imagination or common sense to look at young kids and know/figure out how long you'll be 'stuck' raising them.

Possibly. But having been taken advantage of, I won’t be again.

if my OH doesn’t like it, hes free to split up with me. I’ve no intention of living with him whilst he has kids that are still on his payroll. Fwiw I am a,so the higher earner - I earn approximately 3x what he does.

Does he feel like you don't value his contribution? You say he is a big part of your DCs lives, he is good with them and treats them, you are working part time and he is paying most of the bills to accommodate you and your DC. Yet your focus is on your contribution not being appreciated, it sounds like you are in a very fortunate position to be working part time and supported with bills and raising the DC by a man who isn't their father.

OP you have to see that this whole situation was going to throw up issues. Your EH contributes nothing financially to his children and you haven’t pursued this, yet DH is paying the mortgage and bills and you’re working PT to support ExH’s demands about schools?

You are then asking him to do household chores because of your children. Admittedly they’re minor and I’d do that for a friend, let alone a partner but I think they’re the tip of the iceberg for him.

So time to rethink. Acknowledge how he feels and think about whether he is worth it. Do you love him? Is he generally helpful and a good guy? Or do you just stay because it’s easier and splitting up will be too difficult.

if you do really want to stay with him, I think I’d have a full and frank discussion about how this makes you feel. But you also have to listen to how he feels and make a plan going forward that you can both accept.

He doesn’t need childcare. She does. He would need a lot less cooking, cleaning and admin were it not for OPs children. I can totally understand why he’s hacked off tbh.

How can you draw his attention to a) your financial contribution including food, which is currently quite expensive, and also cooking / cleaning kitchen / housework, which is free labour?

Honestly it is time we got the marriage contract updated to include women’s invisible work by law.

This!!

It’s clear from the OP that they don’t have that type of marriage because OP has ring fenced her share of the house deposit. He may have a higher income than her, but she has more wealth that she wasn’t willing to share, so why should he now be expected to share his income?

He sounds like a knob. I assume some of the dinner you were cooking was for him? Even if not the conversation should go something like “I’m just off to pick Jess from brownies, could you check on the dinner in 10 min” “yes sure”. Even if he’s contributing every penny this is basic family life?

I’d be having a very full and honest conversation with him, as others have said you’ve got kids and inflicting someone who behaves like a passive agressive wanker on them for their childhoods is not fair. Plus if you let this go it will only get worse. Personally I’d be happy in a smaller home on my own with my kids. But he’s either part of the family or not.

If he does feel that the finances aren’t fair then he should raise this like a mature adult, not by behaving like a dick.

He knew exactly how the finances were arranged prior to getting married.

If he didn't like the arrangement he shouldn't have got married.

To then bitch and moan about what was known and agreed - to the extent that he refuses to perform the simplest of domestic tasks - is pathetic and immature.

Working 4 days a week isn't 'swanning around'.

I wouldn’t bank on one personally. They are give some acknowledgement providing a series of criteria have been met. But even then something not legally enforceable is very open to be challenged by the other party.

Agree with this to some extent. The situation is unfair, but being a typical man, he doesn’t seem to be capable of discussing the issue like a mature adult, so instead it’s coming out as anger and resentment. In my experience, most men do this when they are upset about something.

Why did you do this?
You had two children to protect and you have saddled them with a mean belittling man who treats their mother badly.

You need to rethink your choices.
Your poor children don't deserve this.

So he could buy those services and be on his own - but he is in a relationship with a woman who a) I guess he likes and b) who has children so he must be aware they are a package deal.

Men benefit hugely healthwise from being partnered up/ married. Wonder why.

Ask any mother and they will tell you that having kids can be much more challenging than they ever expected.

Until you have kids you cannot actually grasp
what it’s like.

So a step parent could easily see it looks great but then the reality of it is often much difficult.

Step parents also have it harder in a lot of ways.
Which is why MN is full of threads about struggles with blended families.

They are given more than ‘some acknowledgment’.

Of course they can be challenged - it was two challenges in particular to prenuptial agreements that led to them being considered of significant weight, in fact. That they aren’t unassailable does not mean that they aren’t very effective.

The deposit is not ring fenced.

Ultimately, Op should not have remarried.

You should have been longterm partners, when your kids weren't there you stay at his and he stays at yours sometimes too.

You would have been better off financially and not had the school long commute as well.

After your kids have flown the nest, you should have reassessed then about marriage and living together full time, etc.

Also if you are having yours kids more than 50% you need to contact CMS.

Christ OP - youve really screwed yourself here - not to mention the kids. I suppose if its a big lifestyle change as hes able to provide alot more - i can see why you did it - BUT do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Perhaps you could quietly get some legal advice for yourself
it sounds like you are a very kind person probably focused on loving relationship with current partner and your children, but the men in your life could be taking advantage of you

You could get an hour and get the solicitor to advise you on the steps to take yourself if you are not able to pay for further advice

I agree with what you are saying.
But I also know that people and in my experience men and others may have other experiences, change when a partner in my experience woman becomes more financially vulnerable.
It hasn't just been moving in to one house it's been house selling and a wedding. He has changed what he agreed to somewhere along the line and is now resenting it.
As so many posters say they don't blame him but he was accepting before but now she's trapped he has changed his mind so why. Has something happened or is it financial abuse. She hasn't suddenly pulled these kids out of a hat who he can't be bothered to check on a meal being cooked for. That is not acceptable behaviour in a relationship.