AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

[PinkCatStripes]

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

It’s hardly like he lured her in under false pretenses. She knew what he wasn’t going to coparent with her prior to marrying him, and chose to go ahead anyway.

As the one actually responsible for the children, it was up to her to not go near him if this wasn’t what she really wanted.

I’m not seeing how he’s financially benefiting from the marriage, considering he is the one paying the mortgage and bills. Op meanwhile is able to work part time because of this, and her contribution to the house is protected.

I assume OP is well aware of the enforceability of her prenup and where she lives and so doesn't need advice on that!

They're not pointless - they're persuasive. If OP goes on to give up her entire life to care for him and the 20 kids they have together the court will tell her DH to piss off with his prenup ideas. If they carry on roughly as they were in the beginning, and the OP isn't going to be in dire financial straits if the pre-nup is maintained (and particularly if a short marriage) then they will generally be followed by the court.

They are legal. They’re not specifically legally binding, but they are given significant weight by courts and are adhered to in the majority of cases.

@PinkCatStripes as you're back, what of the various wild assumptions on this thread are completely wrong? I suspect some of mine.

In particular, did you move to him? I'm wondering if the reason you can only work 4 days is because you moved to him. That changes things a bit from my perspective. Although I still think that you're on a hiding to nothing and if you both can't move away from treating this relationship as a balance sheet of who does more, you will either need to put up with being long term unhappy or accept you need to leave.

Assets owned prior to marriage are not automatically considered marital property.

@boingcatmavenvulture the event that triggered the OP posting was him complaining after she asking her DH to keep an eye on the dinner she was cooking, for ten minutes. So from that, we can gather he isn't pulling his weight. You do know marriages are supposed to be love matches and that includes any children? Children need care, including picking up, this hasn't come as a surprise to the DH. The OP put down the deposit on their home. There's no profiting from the marriage, they both get to live in a house they otherwise couldn't have bought. But then we don't know if the OP could have bought the equivalent closer to her children's school.

So, I put in approx 35% of the total house cost. So living in the FH for free is not quite accurate, even if I don’t pay the mortgage right now. It doesn’t mean that I will not contribute more later or when I am able.
ultimately I could be worse off, if for example we sold immediately, it’s likely I would get my contribution back in full. Legal advice was to not agree to points in the pre nup, but it was that or not get married. We do love each other. But yes, it’s a very business like arrangement, and to take the emotion out of it, I am ok with that, however to be berated for not doing enough around the house, winds me up!
the OH refused to commute to work- because sometimes he works long hours, so we ended up buying somewhere that was more expensive than would have been ideal, but it’s an expensive place to live in the south.
without all of the detail, the EH contributes no CM, and I end up having the DC more than half the time. I am happy to do this, as access to the kids was weaponised post divorce. The EH refuses to change the child’s school as they expected/ wanted everything to stay the same post divorce- aside from us living together. I lost my job at the same time as a forced house sale- there wasn’t enough for 2 houses out of one, in the region. the child arrangements are such that working full time in one job is tricky with the driving involved in getting the youngest child to school.

That should say an immediate house sale would result in me not getting all of the deposit back, once costs are deducted.

The EH contributes no CM so go through the CMS and claim some?
The EH refuses to change the child’s school if you have them more of the time then it's not up to him, he doesn't get to unilaterally make all of the decisions.

So we works FT, contributes to the majority of the household expenses and has no DCs?

Buy you only work PT, contribute a lot less than him and you’ve got 2 kids?

He is a lot worse off in this situation.
He is paying for 4 people instead of just himself.

I don’t understand why you don’t work FT?
This would annoy me more than someone earning less than me, which often can’t be helped.

There is absolutely no reason why he should treat you less because you contribute less, but I can see how resentment can build if my DP was only working PT and I was paying for him and his kids.

Him not keeping an eye on the dinner is pathetic and I think this needs a serious conversation but I’m wondering if for him, it’s just one more thing.

How old are your DCs?
Unfortunately, blended families can be incredibly difficult to manage.

Hmmm…. I think you can’t really ring fence your deposit and then expect him to pay the majority of the bills. Having separate finances is fine, but then you should expect to pay 50/50.

You could have paid less into the house deposit, so that you had an equal share of the house, and then used the remainder of your money for bills.

She may be 'only' working PT (and four days a week is still quite a lot) but by doing so she enables him not to have to pay for cleaning/cooking/childcare/house and life admin.

To me you're either married and 'in' life as a partnership and all that that entails - previous baggage, children, elderly parents, disparity in income, health matters. Or you're not.
Your husband now sounds like a bit of an asshole. He knew the score before you married, you even had a pre nup. You work 4 days a week, this is almost full time and you have children to deal with right now.
Sorry you're dealing with this OP.
X

I’d take the exh to court to change schools, and develop a very short fuse with the dh because he can build a bridge and get the fuck over himself, he chose to marry someone who doesn’t earn as much and he chose to marry someone with dc and like fuck the would I be the punching bag for either of these choices he made. Him: whine. You: ‘we can live in <cheap suburb> and I can contribute more but you won’t have that. Stop behaving like you want me poor and grow up and cook dinner like all single men have to. I’m this close to stopping cooking for you full stop.

Why would he be paying childcare for children that arent his?

I think OP has set the standard by ring fencing her deposit. It seems as though she expects him to share his financial contribution (in terms of paying all the household bills), but isn’t sharing hers (in the form of the house deposit). I don’t think you can expect to have it both ways.

You own a bigger share, put he is paying more than you, I expect others have pointed this out to him.
Why are you only working part time?

Well, silly me, I sort of thought when you went into a relationship with someone you became involved in everything.
Even if she technically paid for childcare out of her income, there'd be less left for other things, so he'd have to contribute more in one way or another.

They didn't marry after an episode of mafs.
He knew and agreed. Something has changed.
Could it be that prices going up leaves OP with less as well.
I agree CMS claim needed.
But why did partner agree and now resent?

The majority of cleaning/ cooking/ childcare/ house and life admin will be from her and her children.

If DH lived alone he’d financially better off by just paying someone to do it.

I work FT and still manage all of the above.
I would not accept a man and his 2 DCs moving in with me and him not working FT and not doing the majority of the stuff for his kids.

If I posted that I was moving in with a man and his 2 DCs but I was paying the majority of all bills, working FT whilst he worked PT and on top he wanted me to do more home tasks - everyone would be telling me to run for the hills.

As I said, it’s pathetic that he couldn’t keep an eye on dinner and there is no excuse for that but I do wonder if it’s just a small example of his resentment.

OP - I got together with my DH when my children were 6 and 2. We then had one of our own. We share all our money and there was never any distinction financially between our children. My Ex did contribute financially too but my DH has supported and subsidised all the children. Now he is choosing to take early retirement so I’ll be subsidising him for a bit. I just don’t see how family life can work otherwise.

Nope. I certainly wouldn’t be paying childcare for kids that arent mine.

and I’d expect bills to be proportional to the no of people each of us brought to the relationship. And also proportional to income. But her bills for her kids are hers. (In my case, his)

We have different understandings of what marriage entails, then.

Are you actually worse off for being married to this rich man? You are servicing a larger house, his income has removed your benefits?

As I said, it’s pathetic that he couldn’t keep an eye on dinner and there is no excuse for that but I do wonder if it’s just a small example of his resentment.
Doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like he thinks he simply shouldn't have to spend 10 of his precious minutes doing something minor to support his wife and the children he knowingly took on.
What a peach he is.