AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

[PinkCatStripes]

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

Only question is why? Why have you let it get like this?

Just in case it's not clear. I think he's a shit and I wouldn't be with him. But this is the deal the OP signed up for. She can talk to him and tell him it isn't working out for her, and see whether he's willing for more of a coparent relationship. Or she can leave him if she isn't getting enough out of this relationship to justify to her living with such an arse who won't even check on dinner.

Finances are not everything in a marriage and you work 4 days and by the sounds of it do the lions share of housework/cooking/cleaning right? Which IS contributing hugely not just to your children but to him as well. It really pisses me off when marriages get transactional like this and even PP are helping him point score. He married you presumedly because he loved you right? Let's hope so at least. And he married your children too because you are a package deal. Asking him to do very minor inconvenient things such as stirring the dinner for ten mins and doing one pick up from sports should not be too much of an ask at all. It's not like you are working 10 hours a week and lounging by the pool all day. And your finances should be shared now. You are married. You are not a wife appliance that he pays for.

I don't see the problem with this. When DH and I got married, decades ago and albeit no children at that time. I had my own house with significant equity. We had a legal agreement that the capital gains (or losses) were proportionate from the date of the marriage. My equity was 60% and DH paid off a bit of the mortgage to purchase a bit of mortgage. Our contributions at that time were equal but when I had children, I gave up work and DH's earnings increased exponentially. When they did, DH never commented.

I don't think this is to do with the financial arrangement, it has everything to do with a man's attitude to helping his partner.

I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. [...] I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.

The contributions she's talking about are of very little value - she's basically covering what she would have to cover anyway if they weren't together. She's got a good deal for the significant financial contribution she's made (the house deposit) - she lives mortgage free and the equity split is generous.

I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. Is where he's being a shit. He's not wrong, he's wrong for clearly caring so much and for keeping on saying it.

Yes it does!!! When you marry someone with children you become a STEP PARENT to those children for Christ sake. He knew that very well. What he is doing is really petty and he's actually a shit person.

The key issue here is that, regardless of income or children, you aren't working as a team.

If it was just you two and you were cooking dinner but you suddenly had to rush to the local postbox to send a birthday card to a relative, he would presumably keep an eye on the dinner.

It feels like he is getting resentful of doing things around the house when he is providing most of the money. However, that path will just lead to relationship ruin.

In a partnership, you both should be pulling your weight around the house. If he lived alone, he'd be doing it all himself. Whereas, in this home, it seems like you are doing the majority of home care and cooking yet he isn't recognising that contribution as he is only seeing 'monetary' contribution.

You both really need to sit down together and get on the same page as a team. Resentment will build from you as he isn't valuing your physical contribution and resentment will build from him as he thinks he is 'providing' enough due to having the bigger finances.

Strip it back. Discuss what that would look like if it was just the two of you. Assign roles, split the household jobs (if you're happy to continue doing most of the house work, despite also working 4 days per week, in lieu of financial contributions, that's fine but I don't think it will work long term as you will burn out.)

Then add the children back in. Be clear you don't expect him to do anything for them BUT there will be times when you need to lean on your partnership to get everything done and meet everyone's needs as you can't do it alone. If he is going to get annoyed about keeping an eye on his own dinner for a few minutes whilst you pick up your child, then he really needs to reframe his thinking. Would he have the same level of annoyance if you suddenly had to pop to the loo and he took over?

Financial contribution doesn't negate shared house responsibilities. I don't call working 4 days per week 'very part time', it's nearly full time. Therefore he should also be pulling his weight in the house.

If he isn't happy with the finances then I would suggest that (as you've said you pay for the food) he pays more towards food than he is currently doing and you pay some towards the mortgage instead so he actually starts to see you as actively contributing. In reality it's just shifting funds from what you are mostly contributing to, to somewhere where it's more 'visible' for him.

You both need to get on the same page though. I only work part time but we are a team and everything is split (even though he works and earns more) in a way that feels fair but, ultimately, we are married and we share finances. It's all 'ours'. This nit picking and being annoyed with each other will end the relationship if left to fester.

No, it doesn’t. A stepparent is a legal stranger, and has no responsibility for a stepchild. It’s a title, that’s it. You may not like this, and it may not reflect your personal values, but it is nonetheless true.

Op is the only one in her marriage responsible for her children, as she knew she would be going into it.

This. Either you're a family or you're not.

But you are talking about your financial contribution only. That is not an entire marriage. There is much much more to a relationship than finances. Sorry for all my posts but this really bugs me!! Feel so sorry for you OP!

So you're saying that his share will increase over time because he's paying more of the mortgage?

Anyway that's kind of irrelevant because he's creating such an unpleasant place for your children to grow up in. And for you also. He hasn't "taken on your kids" and appears to largely ignore them. I had a boyfriend who was similar - he was actually very kind to my children, but he never put them first. And if we went on holiday or days out, that he wanted (and in fact pushed for), he never offered to contribute. I didn't live with him for this reason.

It's messy OP, but I'd disentangle and move out asap if I were you. This isn't a good environment for your children.

I'm not talking about financial contribution only, although OPis. OP hasn't actually said that she does everything for him. But lets assume he's basically treating her like his maid and doesn't even put his own socks in the laundry basket.

I still find it very unlikely that she's putting more into the relationship than he is. There is not that much domestic work associated with one adult male. She may of course be extremely good in bed, stunningly beautiful to look great on his arm at corporate events or bring something else to the table other than housework.

But I agree relationships are about far more than finances. If they were he wouldn't be with her because he's not financially benefitting.

The issue is that this relationship seems (as someone else said) like a business relationship, not a relationship of mutual support where you don't worry if contributions technically balance because you both value supporting the other person over technical equality.

How ridiculous- so you owned more of the house but the more he pays the more of it he owns?

Hows that going to benefit you?

Im sorry but spending 70pc of your income on food is also not great

He seems to be resenting the set up and does not want to take on the practical burden of kids

For sure, I would be on benefits to supplement my income. I did get them previously, but once we lived together I could no longer claim

I suspect he didn't totally realise how much you were dependent on benefits. He probably saw someone affording to house themselves & their kids & did not see himself having to subsidise your finances day to day quite so much.

In a lot of blended families either kids are 50 50 so mum has still had quite a lot of time be able to develop her own career/earning potential, or mum is receiving quite a bit of child maintenance.

I don't think its typical for a new husband to take on financially supporting another man's children, except in some instances where dad has passed away or was never in the picture at all and its known from the outset the new husband is going to be the second parent and support financially.

You need to upskill and increase your earning potential or possibly look at FT work again

Unfortunately when you’re in this situation, the only way to level the field is to be more financially level. I was in your position. I spent 3 years qualifying, barely got so much as a well done when complete but I doubled my salary, matched his household financial contributions and now earn more. It really levelled our relationship but the damage had been done with the comments for so many years. I’m in a stronger position for retirement and I will not be carrying him after all the comments he’s made over the years.

Can’t believe you married him and your children have him in their lives too

he brings absolutely nothing

This - he also sounds like a bit of a c*

Plus he owns others properties - greedy and self serving.

How many hours a week do you work ? Four days at 9-5 is obviously different than 10-2.
It sounds like he is resentful of the current financial set up.
The situation with the house sounds weird. Was your deposit 50% of the value of the house ( so you've already paid your 'half') and wanted to ensure you didn't end up with less if you divorced?

I think when you set the tone of 'I paid more of the deposit so own more of this house' you have got to expect the relationship to be more transactional than supportive or romantic but it doesn't sound nice and wouldn't be the type of relationship I would be interested in.

There is a lot of resentment here. And it sounds like it isn't working. Obviously because he earns a lot your life is better financially. I doubt his attitude is going to change. iI you aren't happy then maybe it's time to call it a day.

Except the small detail of his 6 times larger than OP's salary.

Well said @TeaCupTinsel .
Resentment or financial abuse can start after an agreement is settled and one partner is trapped in the agreement. Red flags which didn't show before like attitudes towards kids come out. Four days isn't massively part time and you haven't changed down as you are trapped in complicated child care arrangements for working.
As @TeaCupTinsel said sit down together when the kids aren't there strip it all back get it out.
If he's just a twat and being a bully cos he can you need to expose this.
Look at ways you can cut back to have some spare cash over if you can.
Sort it out or it will end up in other parts of your relationship being effected.
Are you planning on having children together.

Which isn’t an excuse to be petty over watching the dinner for 10 minutes.

Regardless they’ve clearly been very open about their finances prior to marriage and using it now as a reason to be a grumpy arse is low behaviour.

Why have you mover the children’s a long commute away from their school?