AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

[PinkCatStripes]

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

Did you marry him for his money?

I think it’s a hard one because I assume you work part time to benefit your children which are not his children, and spend your money on your children which are not his children, so he isn’t going to “value” those things the same way he should if he were the father of those kids?

I’m not sure how this pans out to be honest.

He still finances your whole lifestyle.....but ask him why he married you....may be you still give him something which he likes? I don't know

Actually, reading this properly, the OP is by no means better off here!

the husband is paying more towards the house now but this will increase his share in the house and he is only paying his share of bills.

the OP has lost any benefit top ups she may have been entitled to and yet needs to pay her share of everything.

We had a pre nup, so no. Don’t get me wrong, having a good salary for myself is desired but not possible right now. And it won’t likely increase massively anytime soon. But having a good income can make aspects of life easier and I appreciate that.
the pre nup was to protect the money I had post divorce and to protect his assets, should we ever separate, and we have entered into it, hoping that wouldn’t be the case.
I have enabled him to buy another house (our family home) whilst he keeps his assets(his old house). I compromised a larger share in the equity for him, due to the cost of buying an additional property (SDLT). I partly own the family home and that is all, he owns multiple property, hence contributing a smaller deposit to the house and paying more through mortgage payments. If that makes sense!

not sure where iv stated a step father was an utter bastard unless he steps up 100%

more about chores between a couple

refusing to watch dinner whilst you pop out, don't seem to be wanting to do any domesticated tasks, but its to late for red flags they are already married, thus id not be starting a family if he thinks domestic chores are not for him to do

Exactly this, I’m not sure how blended families work unless the kids are taken on unconditionally from step parents.
I contribute 60/70% of my salary on food- which the OH happily eats!

It sounds like he made it clear that he wasn’t going to coparent with you and assume any more responsibility than he already has done. That level of involvement is something a stepparent can choose to offer, but they are no means obliged to. So no, you cannot expect him to treat your children as a joint responsibility, because they aren’t.

If you wanted that, it was on you to not marry someone that wasn’t offering it.

This all sounds very joy less and clinical. I couldn’t live like this. Where every action or purchase is weighed up and evaluated for its cost or value. I think you’ve made a mistake getting into this relationship unfortunately.

Sorry, you are mistaken, there is no swanning around.
I have explained a little more in the later post, hopefully that makes it clearer. Tenants in common have an adjustable scale in home ownership, based on the financial contribution, which change over time.

why do you "need" social media to tell you what to do?
you are both on (at least) second time around marriages so both know precisely how to decide when to end it and what will trigger you simply walking off (with or without the money).

They are not his children, so the financial responsibility in the main should fall with you and their bio dad.
I have two older children from my first marriage and don't expect my husband to pay for them really.
The little one I have with my now husband - of course we take fair responsibility each for her financially (and with care etc).

I don’t think OP said this.

Is it not a 50/50 split if you came to sell it?

No, that usually happens if you jointly own a property.
when you put it in unequal shares you can buy as tenants in common- eg 25/75 split.

@PinkCatStripes I would feel the same as in the children are not my responsibility if they weren’t mine; however, I would know never to get with someone with kids because I would feel this way, it would never work.

Your OH should not be with you if he wasn’t going to take on your kids too, you come as a package. Fair enough you pay for them but he can at least help you with anything else, collecting them etc…and never tell you they are not his responsibility.

You’ve both have made a mistake in getting married to each other.

My questions would be:
How did you divide spending/finances when you lived together before buying together? And what level of input did he have in DCs life then? If this has changed on moving into your shared house he may not have been prepared for it. I think he's being a dick, you either work together as a married team and don't quibble the finances and accept each others kids, or there's no reason to be married and buy a house together. You can't half arse it, thay's really unfair on the children.

Hi OP, I'd feel bad about this situation but I don't know how to help because me and DH have never had a money split, on anything, for any reason. He's always made more than me, at one point just barely, but we've never compared salaries and everything just gets paid from a joint account. Sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

You have to sit down, without kids around, and have a serious talk: does he want to be a step parent because you are a package deal.
Is there an xdh? Are there issues there? ie he doesn't contribute? Get it all on the table. Find a solution - even if it means ending the relationship.

Did you get legal advice for your self separately before the pre nup?
because if you have no money of your own and you’re buying his food and I would imagine doing all the household chores plus life admin, all the time .
Meanwhile he’s gaining more and more equity of the house you live in that could leave you very vulnerable in the event of a break up? He sounds very financially savvy…..

Exactly! A stepmother shouldn't inconvenience herself in any way for her stepchildren. Yet here, it's "he knew you had kids when he married you."

The phrase I've seen for stepmothers on here is "nanny with a fanny." We need to come up with something similar for the stepfather in this situation. Something that rhymes with "wallet," I think.

Surely tenants in common mortgage doesn’t change though unless you re-did it and changed the percentages. I owned with my ex years ago, when pregnant with DS2. I had a child from previous, whom I had when a teen, so although i’d gone to uni, bettered myself, I was only 2yrs into my career when we met, and so had no deposit, in fact I was paying off debt still. Ex DP paid 30k deposit and we owned the house 60-40.

I actually suggested it, as he paid the deposit. It probably would have been better to just protect his deposit, as we split after 7yrs, and by this time he had paid another 50-60k off the mortgage. I always paid 50% of all costs, including during mat leave for DD. He rarely paid for food, rarely bought any clothing / essentials for the kids and benefited from me dropping a day at work and reduced nursery cost. In the end I was so desperate to move out, I signed it all to him. I hated that house and couldn’t have stayed. I could have taken 40% of the deposit and 40% of the 50-60k he paid off, savings whilst I paid for everything else. So i’d advise my kids to protect your deposit over a share. 15yrs later, I am finally buying again after renting in the south east since the split. Youngest is 18 now. Ex DP is wanting to contribute something (not sure what as have declined) towards my home, I think 15yrs older, he recognises that it was a little unfair. He has also benefitted hugely from working overseas over half of those 15yrs we’ve been split, earning mega bucks whilst i’ve raised our DC, totally alone and miles from family. Cannot wait to ‘go home’ this summer. Oh and he never paid maintenance, not until more recently when I got fed up and he showed up with 15k. He can never just pay monthly, he likes to be the hero. He has however saved for the kids uni, and they are both able to do uni debt free, so they have benefited, just I had to struggle to pay everything else over the years .

I could never live with a man / share finances again. My ex is obsessed with money, and i’ve always been a fair person so he never needed to be worried I was going to fleece him. My new beautiful home is paid for with 100% of my money, no bank of mum & dad, no house profit. It is annoying i’ll be working until 70 plus to pay for it though, but hey ho.

sorry that was long, I feel better getting that out!!

This! Some people never learn and it’s so frustrating that kids have to pay the price. One marriage down and another relationship going the same way, some people 🤦‍♀️

How do people not sort these issues out BEFORE making big commitments like a house and marriage when there are kids involved????
so so selfish

MN has such strange ideas about relationships - you need to take entire responsibility for your dc, while also working full time and earn an equal salary to
your dh so you can be entirely independent of each other. The split chores equally - he can wash one side of a plate and you wash the other.

Meanwhile back irl, what do you think is going on with him? Objecting to checking on dinner is manosphere level pettiness. Can you sit down together and calmly discuss what’s going on because it doesn’t sound feasible to continue with that level of resentment?