Asked to MC retiring boss's party after being passed over for her role

[Idealist3]

My boss is retiring and I've been asked to MC her retirement event. The problem is that I recently went for her job and didn't get it.
I've worked in this community-sector organisation for nearly 20 years. I was always the one who stayed late, came in early, took on extra projects, wrote blogs, covered events, etc. A lot of people, both inside and outside the organisation, assumed I'd eventually succeed her. I didn't. I only got one interview and wasn't shortlisted further. My boss later said she would have given me a second interview, but the board decided otherwise.
Since then, my confidence has taken a huge knock. There's also uncertainty about a secondment opportunity I was hoping for, and I can't help feeling I've become less valued since not getting the role.
I'm 51, spent years working part-time while raising my children, and now find myself questioning my whole career. I feel embarrassed and exposed having to stand up and celebrate my boss's retirement when I'm still disappointed about what happened.
Part of me thinks I should just do it professionally and not let anyone down. Another part of me feels worn out and would rather attend as a guest or not go at all.
AIBU for not wanting to MC the event?

Well, you've learnt not to put all your eggs in one basket career wise.

Your boss could not have told the trustee board (my guess?) who to recruit. And they may have felt they wanted their next CX to have a different focus /style etc, or to bring a different skill set (eg finance) . You certainly can't hold that against your boss. (Just speaking as someone who has been a trustee of various community organisations over the years).

It's fine to suggest that the MC role belongs to the new person though if that's your preference. I don't think there's a right or wrong way here. Just stay professional

I wouldn’t, I’d politely decline and quietly quit whilst looking for a new job elsewhere.

I think it was unfair and insensitive of your boss to ask for you to MC her party knowimg how disappointed you were.

I would perhaps take her to lunch to wish her well but I would absolutely take your mum up on her offer and be unavailable for the whole leaving palaver.

You may well do a great job but you won't be showing anyone 'what they're missing' - you need to lose the mentality that you're still trying to impress them. They don't care.

Just say "no"

practice saying it

But it is too much to ask.

I think it's a bloody cheek to ask you of this. Insulting really. YANBU, keep saying no to these types of requests.

I definitely wouldn't do the MC role. It will look like you are OK with everything and the board will sigh with relief and go back to treating you like you are disposable. If your boss is nice I'm sure you can just tell her that you dont feel comfortable with doing it after what's happened. My main advice is don't get taken for granted. They have made their decision so let them deal with it. If you can, walk away, although I know thats not always possible. Use it as an opportunity to do something else and prove your worth to yourself. And I say this as someone who was in exactly the same situation as you a few years ago. Now I'm very aware that my old office is completely in pieces after a shit hire and I am flying.

Absolutely not and tell them why.

I agree. I think you should hand the official send off to someone else and have a separate goodbye lunch with her. (PS this is also the best way to get intel, demob happy colleagues can be delightfully indiscreet).

This.

It does seem to be adding insult to injury to ask this of you. Very tone deaf of them

This. I suspect they take you for granted because you do so many unpaid extras. "Good old Idealist will do it." You're basically a worker bee, in their eyes. Not a queen bee. I agree with going on vacation at the time of the event, so that you'll be unavailable, and also stop doing the unpaid extras. If there's another job elsewhere that would be a promotion for you (i.e. not with your current employer) then maybe apply for that.

The alternate approach is to do it, mainly to increase your own visibility and leadership image in the field. But still, stop doing the unpaid extras. They don't appreciate it and apparently it doesn't help you get seen as promotable.

I like your mum's thinking, and I'd take her up on her suggestion.

You can explain as much of your discomfort as you feel appropriate to your ex- boss privately, and honour her with a private meal out later. You don't owe her this (huge) favour.

@Idealist3 I have been both sides of this equation. What I end up concluding is that 9 times out of 10, the candidate thinks they deserve the job while actually missing all the crucial strategic parts of it. I always thought I could do my boss's job until the times when I actually got it, then I realised all the things they did that were previously invisible to me. Steep learning cliff.

It is uo to you how you respond, but in general my view is that you can get bitter, you can get better, or you can quit. Don't do the first one. Either of the other two are acceptable. This is not real life, there is no justice, it is the corporate world. Personally, I would accept, do a fabulous job, and be quietly looking for another role. If you get one, you prove yourself right. If you don't maybe there was a reason you didn't get promoted.

Have a nice holiday while all the leaving stuff is on! Go with your mums ideas!! Also STOP going above and beyond what your job is and what you’re being paid for. Leave on the dot every day and make sure you find another job elsewhere and leave this horrible company in the shit without you!

Absolutely not. The company have shown you your worth.

Stop doing overtime, going above and beyond. And Absolutely do not take on the known responsibility of the new boss whilst they bed in.

I'd use this as the first practice round of saying No, I'm not going to be able to do that, and keep practicing.

You've over extended yourself it sounds like, for years, and you're allowed to and should be able to say NO.

If you feel like you do not want to do it, don't. Time to back yourself not do what you feel is expected of you. 51 is a great age to start.

Definitely say no! And start saying no far more often too if they dont value you....

i agree, perhaps you could
then they will know what you are really like, perhaps they asked you so that you can demonstrate your capability?

all the questions were about budget and not vision/strategy

The first thing I was ever taught in business studies was that a businesses primary priority is money. Money makes the world go round. Money is what makes what you want to happen, happen.

I suspect your creative skills haven't gone unnoticed but creativity is much further down the priority list to planning and budgeting, however planning an event is a wonderful endeavour to show off your creative pursuits and project management skills.

I think if I were in your shoes I would feel like the relationship with the organisation wasn't as strong as I had once believed but I would use the rejection as a constructive criticism to work on my skills in order to find an organisation that can respect my budgeting, planning AND creative portfolio.

I would talk to your boss privately and say whilst you are touched that she wanted you to do it, you’re disappointed by not getting the role and would prefer not to do it. She should understand it’s not a fair ask in the circumstances.

I wouldn’t do it. So what if you did good job of it and they all thought you were great. You’ve been doing that for years and it didn’t get you anywhere. No one wants to be seen as the reliable dependable one who always steps up but expects nothing in return.

The vision is what raises the funds and keeps the budget on track. That’s why an organisation typically has a CEO and a CFO. A CEO who focuses mainly on budget is a recipe for managed decline in my experience. And I say that as an experienced board member and board chair in the charitable sector. If the board appointed a CEO based on their understanding of the budget then they’re a conservative board showing a limited vision for the organisation imo. You’re probably better off out of it.

I'd say politely, 'It's kind of her to ask for me, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do that. Try someone else'.

And like many others have said, I'd stick to only doing my job now. No extra effort, nothing but quiet professionalism and I'd be looking to get another job somewhere else.

Nah @Idealist3 . Unless you truly feel you want to do it because it feels like the right thing as a result of your relationship with your outgoing boss then fuck them. If they don’t rate you why should you do all that work. Don’t be an arse about it, but politely decline on the basis it feels like a senior figurehead should take on that role. I’d be looking for a new role too and working to rule, but no one can hold a grudge better than me!

I’m surprised by how many people are telling you to refuse this. I’m not sure why. What happened to you definitely hurts, but it’s not unusual, this kind of thing happens all the time. I’m sure it wasn’t personal; they likely chose someone they felt was a better fit for the role.

Unless you’re planning to leave because of this, it really should be business as usual. If I were in your position, I’d keep doing the best job I could. MC-ing the event shouldn’t be a problem unless you struggle with public speaking anxiety (like I do 😩).

As the board are all going to be there, I’d do it and be very impressive - let the board see you in your element.

The quiet quitting, job description only. The new ceo might need a lot of additional help, this should not come from you, let them fail.