AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

Crikey. Poor daughter.
You're insufferable.
HTH

Perhaps due to the cost of living crisis, your DD cannot afford the petrol to drive to Wisley, plus the entrance fees for her and two young children, plus the cost of lunch there.

1.5 hrs for you so 2.5hrs for them? How many day trips with 5 hours of driving did you do when your kids were small??
YABU for assuming we all know what Wisley is too!!

In the end it boils down to whether or not you are prepared to prioritise your son’s request that you put this to one side so that he can have a happy and harmonious wedding. This may mean you have to give more than you get for the next year or so. You may have to accept “being in the wrong” when you don’t think you are, apologising for things you think were justified and just generally sucking it up because you’re the mother and this is actually about your son’s wedding. It’s not about being right. If you can’t manage that, you may find you fall out with another one of your children.

I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out.

She doesn't want to drive that far, stop pushing it. It is massively unreasonable for you to keep on about it when she has told you it is not an option, I would refuse this too, as I also get tired driving back, and I wouldn't risk it in the same way you wouldn't.

If you aren't willing to find a compromise, then just drop it altogether as a bad job, you don't need to physically see each other to have a relationship with her.

And yet you use this in your defence:
I get on well with other peoples kids...... but have never met my own grand children. Think about that for a moment. you make more effort with clients kids than your own grand children.

Everything you have said so far indicates that you WANT to have a problem with your daughter rather than building bridges and have a relationship with her little family.

Your responses thus far give more insight into your attitude, inflexibility and need to continue to prod the bear.

Perhaps she just doesn't want to see you. You don't sound nice at all.

Please use the quote function. You are just talking to yourself otherwise.

If you want to see your grandchildren, you would

• plan by booking cheap train tickets in advance (to avoid the obvious driving issues you've talked about at LENGTH on this thread)
• Come up with an innovative or alternative option to avoid the Wisley issue
• Make choices that allow you to financially do more to make this happen (you've mentioned already lunches, shopping trips etc ). If you really wanted this to happen, you would find a way.

I think you're being unreasonable @Buzyizzy217 , because you just want people to tell you you're right on this thread.

Your DS sounds sage in telling you guys to sort this out. However I fear this is beyond what's possible for you, as you're very clear on what you perceive to be your boundaries and what is right for you, and you can't really see how this affects not seeing your grandchildren.

Also - "the holibobs". Neither of these kids are school age so I don't know what era you are remembering as easy to solo travel with 2 of them. Mine is fine in the car for 4 hours now but he is nearly 8.

OP maybe this will give you some perspective on why your DD might not what to travel almost 2 hours with two little kids.

Last weekend I travelled for a special occasion 1.5 hours with my 4 year old to meet people we see regularly.

1st I had to plan somewhere to stop half way because 1.5 hours is a long time for a 4 year old to do nothing. Mine isn't allowed screens outside the house and is entertained by a colouring book for about 5 min max. So it's usually music and car games (I-spy and such) and hoping he doesn't fall asleep.

If he does fall asleep on the way over he can be very grumpy/whiny/tantrumy when he wakes. Which is what happened last weekend. We stopped at a farm shop cafe at about 1 hour in and spent a good 30 min getting him in a better mood.

So a 1.5 hour journey becomes a 2.5 hour journey. Your DD will probable have to do similar so her almost 2 hour journey will become around 3h. And if she doesn't she risks introducing you to two very grumpy kids she will have to manage.

Then there is the way home. Because they are guaranteed to fall asleep on the way home. Which in turn creates a disaster at bed time. Now you have two kids that will not fall asleep until midnight and wake up several times during the night. Which in turn will mean the parents are exhausted the next day.

And all this is if you have a good day. If your kids get carsick that's makes things harder. My DS at around 12 months hated the car seat for a good 3 months and would scream and cry all the way.

You might have had kids that travelled well but your DD might not and flying with kids is 10x easier than driving long distance in my opinion.

On top of all this is that this is the first time you're meeting your grandchildren. your daughter might be a bit stressed about that so all that extra pressure ontop of that is not helpful.

Maybe it would be better to find a place easy for you to get to by train and her by car roughly an hour away for her max. Something low stakes like a park with a cafe and play area.

I think sadly this is the case with many AIBU posts!

I live between 8,000 and 8,500 miles from my nieces and nephews, and I've seen them all more often than the OP has seen her grandchildren (the only one I've not yet met was only born a few weeks ago, but I will everything I can to see her before she is 1.

It's a tough one, OP, but maybe it would be better for both you and your daughter to accept that this relationship isn't working - if it was, both of you would be more willing to compromise on travel, locations etc.
It's not anybody's fault, because sometimes we just don't get on well with our relatives. Just give each other a break, and don't force contact.

It sounds like you’ve decided you don’t want to do this and are digging your heels in and that’s your choice.

I haven’t seen my own mum in 6.5 years. Not because travel is difficult, though we live a flight away from each other, both of us are able to travel. In order for us to see each other and have a relationship, she has to work on her issues, which make her unsafe to have around my children. She refuses. Does not believe in therapy or mental health care or doing anything other than pretending her significant issues just simply do not exist and throwing her hands up and saying well, it’s just impossible then. That’s fine. That’s her choice. But it means she hasn’t seen her grandchildren in 6 years and my youngest who was 2 last he saw her, has no idea who the hell she is.

Lots of people live far from family. They make it work because they put in the effort. More from older parents when grandchildren are young, and the other way around when grandchildren are older and parents are more frail and unwell. Your choice. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is a priority for her (and I can see why with this attitude). If it’s a priority for you, nothing should stop you. I know nothing would stop me seeing my kids and grandchildren. I have advanced cancer and several other chronic health conditions. I just drove 9 hours for my dd over the weekend in the heat and holiday traffic. Because my kids are my world.

So you can work 30 hours doing a very physical job? and still wont make any effort at all to meet your GDCs?

If i had grandchildren living anywhere, including the moon, I'd get myself to meet them. My husband's father refused to come and met his first grand daughter for three months. That relationship was never the same again.

Just a thought @Buzyizzy217 . . .

If your DS & DIL have children, will you travel to see them?

I think you are getting a rough ride on here OP- I have disability in my family and can empathise with your difficulty travelling.

Why not take the pressure off "meeting up" for a while and increase other forms of communication in the mean time- phone calls, facetime the grandchildren, the 4 year old might love it and your daughter might love that it keeps them still and concentrating for 10 mins.
Once you actually know each other better she might appreciate your physical difficulties more, and you might appreciate why she isn't chomping at the bit to spend hours in the car driving small children (whether its practical or financial), and arranging a meet up might be a lot simpler to arrange.

I have a feeling that we’re all being taken for a bit of a ride here because surely nobody would be this self centred? You haven’t seen your 4 year old grandchild. Ever?
When my DC was 4 hours away at uni, I got on the train for 4 hours, had lunch and a catchup with him and then travelled back for 4 hours!
This is either an utter load of goady bollocks, or you seem quite an unpleasant person.

Unfortunately that would require the OP to read what numerous posters have said to her and take it on board. I think we can all see that isn't going to happen.

Wisley can be a nightmare to get to if the M25 is snarled up.

Maybe phone your daughter and try to work it out together rather than sending messages especially if typing is a challenge?

Your posts seem very defensive bordering on aggressive. I wonder whether you take this tone with your daughter as well.

Why not suggest the place she once suggested if it is only ten miles from Wisley?

This is a good post

Tell your son that you refuse to have a relationship with your estranged daughter and are point scoring, playing the victim and being petulant.

He can then choose which of you he wants at his wedding.

The onus is of course always on the parent to maintain the relationship and to have provided an excellent, happy upbringing. The parent was the only one who has been an adult for the entire relationship, so there will always be a power imbalance.

Cost of living crisis doesn't extend to shopping trips and lunches 😁