AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

Yeah what’s wrong with the place she suggested that’s 10 miles from Wisley? How can y out get to Wisley okay without being too tired, but an extra ten miles might make you fall asleep at the wheel?

To be honest, you sound more difficult with every post. I'm with your daughter on this one.

I don't get why people like the OP post when they refuse to take on any advise or criticism. If you think you're 100% why bother posting an asking the question!

Yikes, what's happened that you haven't even met your 4 year old grandchild yet? My parents would drop everything to come and see my kids and they live a 2.5 hour flight away. Could it be resentment on her side that you haven't been bothered to go visit before now? She's being hostile towards your suggestions and I can see why.

Honestly you sound incredibly difficult.

I would contact your son and either offer to keep a low profile at the wedding or be honest and say that the best thing is for you to keep contact civil but to a minimum with your DD before the wedding, so no face to face visits between now and then.

There are obviously some incredibly deep-seated issues between your DD and you which aren’t going to be resolved before his wedding so you need to be honest with him. You are not in a position to offer a loving, involved, relationship with your DD or your Grandchildren at the moment, so best to be clear about that and not raise expectations.

Why on earth haven't you even met your grandchildren. People have relatives on the other side of the world and still manage to visit. Sorry can't sympathise with these feeble excuses.

So neither of you wants to drive that far. Fair enough. Both of you seem very touchy about it. Neither wants to compromise. You sound very similar.

What about meeting up in London instead? Most places will have public transport there. You could go to one of the RoyalParks. Most of them have playgrounds and plenty to entertain everyone. You can get a couple of deckchairs and the kids can play. Get a bite to eat.

Now that I’ve looked up Wisley, not sure it looks like a brilliant day out for two young kids and I certainly wouldn’t spend 3 hours in a day doing a round trip for it. With kids it would almost certainly end up as 4+ hours.

Why not do the thing your daughter wants to do 10 miles away? Otherwise, get a bus then just get a taxi. Stop being petulant, you will end up with no contact and that won’t feel good at all.

It’ll actually more than a 5 hour round trip for the daughter; it’s 1.5 hours from the OP so at least 2.5 hours from her daughter (as they live 4 hours apart), more if it’s not actually on the straight route between the 2 of them.

'I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet.'

' DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight. '

but clearly not in the last 4 years

'DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.'

Where were your grandchildren that day ?

'When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back'

who is ' we ' ? did you mean when I had my day out down at hers, or was someone else with you ?

' or a bus ride at the end, neither of which I have any objection to at all.'

so take that bus ride at the end then !

only didn’t happen due to my ongoing medical issues.

' I’ve done trips down there that I couldn’t afford and I definitely can’t afford to do another one with hotel.'

obiv 4+ years ago ?

' Maybe because I know my limits. I physically can’t do any further. I have had an accident previously before the reasons for my fatigue were discovered and I’m certainly not risking another one. That was 2 years ago and I am now extremely careful. Imagine if I went further and was so tired I killed someone. Not happening.'

what about the 2 years before this accident, or is it 2 years since the reason for your fatigue was discovered - this is unclear

anyway why didn't you visit your daughter and meet your eldest grandchild ? in her first 2 years of life ?

lots of drip feeding or contradictions

whatever, you have made it all about you...

It's very easy to resent someone saying no to something you yourself would have done (and possibly put yourself out for?) I notice this attitude a lot in my mother's generation from sexual assault to post natal depression - we put up / got on with it so why shouldn't you.

It doesn't work for your daughter, pick somewhere midway that you both can access by public transport if you prefer to.

You've asked if you're being unreasonable. It's literally the page you're on and the title of your post.

People are saying you ARE being unreasonable but you're arguing with them.

Can you not see the pattern here?

You are right! not a hope in hell would I do this. Mind you my parents or MIL would never ask it of us.

You haven't met your grandchildren??!

You're expecting her to travel with a toddler and a young child because you might get a bit tired driving slightly further?

Your poor daughter. No wonder your relationship is volatile; you sound awful.

You've only visited your daughter's home twice? EVER?

And 2 DC that you've never met? They're 4 hours drive away, not on the other side of the planet!

There must be some fucked up shit between you that isn't going to be resolved before your DSs wedding.

Expecting DD to travel with 2 DC at YOUR convenience, to a place of YOUR choosing so that you can meet your 4yo DGC for the first time is bad enough when there's a good relationship between you. If you were my mum, based on the very little history you've written here I'd not be interested in visiting with you at all.

You can both be civil at his wedding, I doubt you can fix your relationship to friendly or even amicable before then.

My father is 83 and would move heaven and earth to see me and my children. He's kind and generous and reasonable and because of that, I'm willing to make the effort and longer journeys to not put him out.

Any self awareness as to why your daughter doesn't feel the same way towards you?

I also cannot understand how you can work 30h as a cleaner yet not drive more than 90 min.

Wisley is nice but not a great day necessarily for children that age. The little one will need to be in a push chair after an bit and might not like that. The big one will get tired walking all around.

Yes, I'm trying to follow the OP's posts before commenting but it's hard as it she seems to be replying to posts without actually quoting them so it's like "who are you talking to?" ", What's that in relation to?! 😁
OP can you quote please or copy the bit of text that you're replying to?!

Whatever your reasoning, unfortunately your posts come across as rude and aggressive - even if you do not mean it that way. Maybe if you are communicating with your daughter like that, your messages come across as rude and aggressive to her also - again even if you do not mean it.

It is difficult to understand what posts you are replying to, but I still don't know why (as in your OP) why you would be driving AFTER busy day. Surely you would be driving at the beginning of the day. Cheap midweek stay at a Travel Lodge and you can drive home refreshed after a night's sleep. But most of us would do almost anything to see our grandchildren and would be completely broken hearted not to be able to have even met them. How very very sad.

I assume there is a major back story here.

It shouldn't be this complicated. You put Wisley on the table - she declined, it's now for her to put somewhere on the table and basically you do that until you find somewhere mutually agreeable. Don't waste time arguing or trying to convince her about Wisley, just continue suggesting places until you find somewhere that works for all of you.

That's how I did it with my family (200 miles away) during lockdown when we couldn't visit properly so had to meet in the middle.

Perhaps your daughter, who has two dependents (while you have none), is experiencing the cost of living crisis too.

You do seem quite self-involved and overly preoccupied with what suits you vs any consideration for your daughter and grandchildren. It's shocking that you have a 4 year old granchild you haven't met, and yet you still seem apathetic about it all.

It's pretty evident now that you aren't here to genuinely seeking advice and are looking for validation. Honestly in your replies you come off as consistently irritable and somewhat snarky, and I have to wonder if you are similar in your communications with your daughter.

You've not explained what led to your relationship breakdown but even if you did, I somehow doubt you'd take any accountability.