AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

So what has gone wrong with your daughter? The implication in that post is that it must be her fault because no one else has an issue with you? Are you taking no responsibility for the lack of relationship between the two of you at all?

Hadn’t what?

Finances mean this is no longer an option for me or has the cost of living crisis passed you by?

Is your communication style to your daughter like it is here?

You may not mean it and it may not reflect you in real life but it comes across badly. Blunt and slightly aggressive.

If you are mostly interacting by text, it will be doing nothing to heal your relationship.

Try putting what you want to say into AI and asking for suggestions on how to soften the tone before you next message her.

There is probably nothing wrong with your venue suggestion but you are missing the point. She wants you to show the effort. Whether that's justified or not, no one can know, but if you want to make progress with her, you need to meet her more than half way (in all senses).

Where can you get to on public transport? I think it's absolutely fine to say it's beyond your driving limits but find where you can get to reasonably easily and then ask what she'd suggest from there.

Who?

What is no longer an option? Passed who by?

I think we now know why she keeps you at arms length. Although the holibobs suggests this is a wind up.

You have to use the quote button to actually reply otherwise nobody knows which post you are responding to and it makes no sense.

For whatever reason, your dd doesn't feel like she wants to drive for four hours and take her two kids out for the day to meet you.

This could be for a number of reasons; she finds you stressful, one of the kids gets car sick (I have a friend whose child couldn't even go 20 min without vomiting til he was about four!), kids aren't well-behaved, she herself is struggling, whatever.

That's the situation.

Nothing would keep me away from either my kids or my grandkids and everything else is just noise on your part.

You seem locked in a power struggle over this, and I'm guessing it was like this in the teen years too.

I would offer to go and see them, stay one night in an Air B and B for £40, and suck it up. It will cost money, think of it as one of your holidays this year!

If you can't do that financially or because of your issues, then you must be very very poor and or very very ill. I don't get that impression from what you have written.

I think you may be right - holibobs

If your posts are an Indication of your personality then yep, the problem is all you.

You are coming across as self absorbed, defensive and rude. Reply to that however you like… but this is the case and I am pretty sure many posters will agree with me.

So.. reflect on how you come across. This will be impacting your relationship with your daughter whether you want to hear that or not.

Mate, you can't talk about the cost of living as a barrier to seeing your grandkids when you've been talking about your lunches, shopping trips and preferred day out options.

I expect the dd was hoping for a return apology and may have been a bit shocked that her conciliatory gesture was taken as capitulation and an admission of fault. With the OP going away feeling puffed up and vindicated.

She probably feels less inclined to carry on conciliating!

If this is real, you are being unreasonable. You can’t expect her to drive 5 hours with a 15 month old baby plus a day out. At that age, my DD would scream and scream in the car. It was awful! I couldn’t take her anywhere more than half an hour away. She’s agreed to what sounds like close to 2 hours drive, but doesn’t want it to be more than that.

If your attitude on here is anything like the rest of your life, then you’re lucky she has anything to do with you.

My advice would be continue to act like a petty spoilt child. Don't give your DD the impression that you're worth having a relationship with, it's not fair. Hopefully she'll walk away and slowly realise she is far better off without you.

I bet you took them to stately homes, didn't you?

No of course not! I have OA so any typing is painful n I do shorten sentences here. As the day goes on, it eases, slowly.
I also live in a rented one bed flat and work 30 hrs a week as a domestic cleaner.
I am not your bog standard older person, voting reform and Brexit and living in a 1/2 mn house.
I could say much more, but hey ho.

Oh my goodness..why bother coming on here for advice when you are aggressive and wont take any advice on board. Pretty pointless post!

On another note - I cant get over the fact you live in the same country as a grandchild of 4 and you havent met them yet!

@Buzyizzy217 I am qriting as Grandma to Grandma. You and DD both have things that restrict you, but they are different. And it seems difficult for either of you to bend a bit. She needs the full picture from your end. If I were you (and I suspect we may be not far from one another in age), I would send a message along these lines:

EXPLAIN
'In 20xx, I hadn't realised I was too tired to drive and I [hit something, damaged car, cost £Xxx, effect on insurance]. This has made me worry about doing journeys of more than xx miles. That's why I suggested Wisley - I think I cd get there safely, it's got a nice cafe and there are things the children would enjoy seeing abd doing. Here's the link [insert link] But you may have a better idea?

[ OP:are you an RHS member - if not, check prices for your group - AND OFFER TO PAY for entry and cafe - I'd be surprised if you get change out of £100]

OFFER ALTERNATIVE
'I'll look at taking a couple of days, driving to yours one day, staying somewhere inexpensive overnight and coming home the next day - but I am.not sure I can afford it.
[It cd be cheaper than Wisley; I stayed in a basic hotel, clean and comfortable, in London last month for £85.]

SHOW INTEREST IN FAMILY MATTERS
I am looking forward to seeing you and the children [use their names] and hearing all your news. We might even talk wedding outfits?

INVITE A CONSIDERED RESPONSE
"I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to try to explain to you why I can no longer just jump in a car and go vrrmmm. Ring me when you have time, and we can fix something up.

SHOW AFFECTION
Much love, Mum'

Bullshit.

i’m seriously physically disabled because of a major accident.

me and my wheelchair are travelling by train up to Lancashire in a week to see my family.

i have friends who are permanently in a wheelchair and on oxygen who travelled (by train because no airline would take them) to Switzerland to present at a conference about their condition.

disabled people can travel.

I’m not going to say it’s easy (British rail is a fucking nightmare) but it is totally doable. You are hiding behind excuses

Wisley is a great day out, but with kids that age I say you need to suck it up for now and go with her suggestion, even it means driving a little further. Save Wisley for another time. The kids will probably be more comfortable at a place of your daughter’s choosing as I’m sure she will have chosen it with their needs and interests in mind.

OP: AIBU?
Mumsnet: Yes
OP: No I'm not!

You’ve ’reached a point in life’ where you can’t quite be bothered driving to meet your grandchildren?!

There's absolutely not excuse for you not to have met your 4 year old grandchild. None.
She's willing to meet you half way, a 2 hour drive is difficult with 2 very young children but she's willing to do it. Don't pretend it's easy for her.
You're arguing over an extra half an hour's drive.
You also say basically is it worth bothering with them...
No wonder your relationship is difficult. It's all about you.

You'd rather score points against your daughter than meet your own flesh and blood. That is truly rotten to the core.