AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

Well quite. I feel quite sad for the daughter actually, maybe she’s being a touch stubborn but she’s the one who apologised and is hoping for better by way of that apology and given the ops attitude, she will be, I fear, sorely disappointed.

Sounds like she is her mother's daughter.

I think you need to be the bigger person here, particularly as it means meeting your grandchildren for the first time or not and helping your other child have a good wedding. Drive half way to her stay over night somewhere and start fresh the next day. Or use public transport?

Why haven’t you met your grandchildren yet? I’m surprised your daughter still bothers with you.

If you haven't met your grandchildren then there will be a very strong reason for that. The fact that your daughter is willing to have you meet them after 4 years is a big deal and you should be doing everything in your power to make it happen, in an area that is suitable for the children, not you. You are not the important person in this scenario.

I'm sorry
But I can't imagine any situation where I wouldn't of met my 4 year old grandchild.
Nothing in the world would keep me away
No matter how shitty my child treated me
I would still be there for my grandchild
However I don't know your situation,or how this came to be
But I'd be doing everything I could to visit when it suited my daughter and where it suited my daughter
I wound go by train , I would phone in sick to work or take holiday leave to get there.

I think you need to make a massive effort to improve your relationship with your daughter and this will involve driving 4 hours and most likely biting your tongue and counting to 10!!
You live 4 hours away and are able to stay at a nearby hotel and you still haven’t met your grandchildren!!! One is 4 years old!!
You’re both adults but you’re the mum in this relationship - you should be the one moving heaven and earth to getting this relationship back on track.

I think you have to do at least half the journey here. Aren’t you desperate to meet your grandchildren - just make the effort. Make a trip of it and stay in a hotel nearby to them. A 5 hour round trip with two small children to somewhere you’d like to go isn’t going to solve this rift. Why are you so immovable from this location? Just plan the day around what’s best for the kids and everything will be easier from there…

Complete bollocks, you haven't been there for four years and you're telling me you couldn't save £500 over 4 years, so under £2.50 a week, to go for a single night over or to use public transport?

You could leave at 7am and be there by 1pm by taking lots of breaks.

You could go to the actual venue she suggested last time instead of one 10 miles away that you'd prefer.

You could recognise that hours in a car followed by a 3 hour meet which is mostly centred around a sit down lunch is costly for her and boring for her 2 kids, who then have another car journey home.

Where's fun granny?

Are you actually bothered about meeting your grandchildren OP? Because how you resolve this depends very much on the answer to that question.

My mum is profoundly physically disabled (full-time wheelchair user, constant pain). She and my dad did a 12 hour drive and 3 hour ferry ride to visit my daughter within a week of her being born, and have done so at least once a year since.

I absolutely cannot believe you ever haven't made the effort to meet your four year old grandchild.

And it's actually worse that you say you travelled to her but didn't meet EITHER grandchild. You fannied around shopping and lunching.

I would imagine the DD met her to see if she could behave any more appropriately before considering introducing her to the children. I'm surprised it's got this far.

Which I have done. I’ve made all the running. She’s done zero. She needs to realise I am not 💯 fit and healthy, that I don’t want to lose my independence which if I have a bad accident and lose my licence because I’m tired, like that old gent did and everyone said he shouldn’t be driving, and two small children are not a problem. I used to take them everywhere during the holibobs for days out.

Why would you be driving for a day out AFTER a busy day? Wouldn't that mean it was evening before you actually met. I'm confused!!?!?

ps would go any distance to see my grandchildren!

YABVVVVVVU! You wont drive an hour and a half to see your daughter and MEET YOUR GRANDKIDS?

And you expect your daughter, with a young child and a baby, to drive further than you - an adult without young children - would have to drive?

You sound really selfish. I am not surprised your relationship is strained.

Holibobs? Got to be a piss take 😂

WHAT have you done? Since you refuse to quote, we have no idea.

Wow! Funny how every single person I have any relationship with has any issues with me? Nope. No one at all. All my clients children and I get on great, pre school age and babies, not an issue. Spiteful comments don’t work with me. 🤣😂

Wow! I have never said I’m right and she’s wrong. Maybe you’re reading a different post or simply can’t read?

She will only drive an hour and a half, but expects DD to drive at least 2 and a half, possibly more

Thanks for clarifying OP. We see how it is now.

and two small children are not a problem. I used to take them everywhere during the holibobs for days out.

I suggest it is your attitude that is the problem, not the logistics of meeting up.

I wouldn't do a 2.5 hour drive to meet someone for 3 hours then do another 2.5 hour drive back with 2 small kids, what you are suggesting is ridiculous to be honest.. you'd be better off not meeting up at all, then just travelling to the wedding, surely meeting up in person before then is not a requirement?

Did I say I hadn’t? Nope.

I think honestly you are quite manipulative and demanding. To say “imagine if I killed
someone” when she’s suggested a place 2 hrs away vs your choice of 1.5hrs is quite telling.
I know what my mum would do, but then we have a great relationship and she was a wonderful support while kids were very small.

I was going to suggest you save up for a hotel, but this post has put it far better.

If you want to have any kind of relationship with your DD who has young kids, you'll make the effort and travel.