AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

@Buzyizzy217 Do you not understand that your posts are all sounding disjointed and nonsensical because nobody knows who your (rather petulant) replies are meant to be for? For goodness sake, use the quote button, which is at the bottom of the post you wish to reply to, then we'll at least all know who you are being rude to.

What doesn't make sense to me is that, since your son made the plea that his wedding be a happy family occasion - so relatively recently - you have seen your daughter for a day out but still not met your grandchildren, one of whom is 4 years old. Like other PPs, I would truly love to hear your daughter's version of all this.

Op, I am torn between thinking either that you should be moving heaven and earth to meet your grandkids for the first time or that your DD would have a completely different perspective which explains her reluctance to do your bidding.

What are you saving for OP?

This is your DD and your grandchildren. I know people in their 80s who fly long-haul round the world to keep in touch with children and grandchildren.

Yes things are tough financially, and no not everyone could save to afford long-haul flights, but this is four hours.

Driving a long way with very small children is not easy. And if you’ve not met the kids you have no idea how they are in the car.
my DPs live 200 miles from us and always want us to go to them. So we don’t see that much of them, because that is very hard work for us (we have more than enough space for them to come and stay).
if you don’t have small kids, it’s on you to make the effort. Break the journey overnight if you need to.

I doubt there is much for a 4 year old at Wisley - it's about gardens. You are being unreasonable in asking your DD to drive over 2 hours with 2 small children. She will need breaks so it will take longer. If you find concentration difficult after driving for over an hour (and that's not long, I regularly drove 150 miles - 3 hours + - to our holiday home and I am almost certainly decades older than you) then stop for tea and cakes somewhere on the way. Your DD made a suggestion that suits her and DGC so I'd go for it. Not surprised DS is cross with you both.

Please @Buzyizzy217 could you press the "quote" button when replying to someone? We have no idea who this comment is addressed to, or the context of the reply.

How much is the entry fee to Wisley?

Choose somewhere else and put that towards a train ticket. Have you actually checked what train would cost.

If you really want to make it, posters here could suggest somewhere closer to your dd and help you figure train logistics.

As somebody who has been in your DDs shoes I sympathise with her.

We flew from Australia to see my family. Elected to base my family near to my brother sas Mum and Dad live rurally/not in an area suited to young adults (no public transport and not even a convenience store or pub in walking distance). We were 1h10 from Mum and Dads with a spare room for them. We were there 8 weeks and they visited twice.

It pissed me off. Most likely your DD feels pissed off too.

From website

I love Wisley, am not old, but I agree it's a bit of a mare to access if there's a lot of traffic on the M25 or A3 and surrounding roads. (Plus the roadworks which have been going on for years still seem to be ongoing!)

Why the OP suggested it considering she gets fatigued by long drives is a mystery, as 1.5 hours can easily turn into 2.5.

I wouldn't expect anyone with young kids to trek there to meet me!

The roadworks are going to make the OP, her daughter, and the children, probably incredibly stressed, not conducive to a nice meet up at all!

I think some pp's are being harsh and/or cavalier about driving. If driving >1.5 hours is not something you feel you can do safely it's not something you should do.

That said, I can see that a longer drive with small kids sounds tricky too, especially if the destination isn't kid friendly.

Have you explained that you don't feel safe to drive long distances? If not, it might seem to your daughter that you are being obstructive.

If your choice doesn't work for her, and her choice doesn't work for you, and you want to see her you need to focus on finding other options.

Life is busy and hard and when it comes to meeting up i think everyone's limits need to be respected, hence I'm not sure this is really a situation for "who is being unreasonable"

OP, you haven't yet met your grandchildren? How old are you?

When I was much younger my sister and I spent many happy hours at Wisley with her toddlers and a picnic but its not cheap to get in. For those that don't know, its an RHS Garden. With the driving it would make an expensive and tiring day for all and if relationships were good, it would be worth it. But its clear things are not good.

You have to be realistic about what everyone can manage but here that seems to be the battleground and that indicates the relationship is not good as you have clearly intimated.

I really don't think anyone can answer your question honestly because there is too much background info missing.

All I can say is that you are expecting her to accept more than 2hrs driving each way is too much for you on health grounds but you need to understand that 4+ hours in a car with little ones is also a big ask. I suspect if you haven't met your grandkids yet, the issue is that you each want to see the other make an effort, you are each entrenched in your own corner and one of you has to give initially to break the deadlock.

Have you forgotten what it's like to have young children?

Well apparently she drove hers for hours on end - which might give insight into how prioritised their needs were.

I agree about the driving if she feels tired. But that's why I suggested train then a less costly meeting place. Train isn't always cheap, but this is to meet her dd and gdc.

Wisley is a lovely place and have children friendly activities going on for quite a few months of the year.

We've been many a time as its only 30 miles from where we live....just over an hour, when traffic is flowing nicely, also a case of just over 5 if not, nightmare without young DC, picking a place saying its kind of mid way means nothing.

Not sure though how a destination chosen by either of you is going to contribute to helping repair your relationship.

It’s not a question of driving further. I have several medical issues that means I tire and lose concentration. I find driving even just over an hour is hard. So “like” doesn’t come into it. It’s sad because I enjoyed driving, but now not so much.
My own “wants” do not come into this at all. My health limits me.
I am still paying off the bill from the last trip, and I’m also self employed as a domestic cleaner so I lost a lot of money on the last trip plus the costs of the trip itself.

Train? And subtract Wisley entry fee?

(Plus the roadworks which have been going on for years still seem to be ongoing!)

These have recently been completed.

You've refused to answer why you didn't see your grandchildren on this super expensive previous trip.

Absolutely happy to do this. I have already said this to her. It would appear that if I remove an obstacle, she immediately finds another one.

@Calliopespa Agree. Train would come under "other options" alongside others, & that's a good point about the cost of entry vs other costs.

Oh, how great that you're happy to drive to her house and spend the night in a hotel. You must let her know immediately.

Imagine having grandchildren you've never met...

That is the key thing.

Have a conversation - there must be an actual middle ground that you could both get to within the required timeframes? Get the train and meet in Guildford (close to Wisley) - am sure there are some playgrounds and cafes for lunch?

Shifting the blame to being self employed doesn't make you look like a reasonable person who wants to solve this.

I have health issues which make driving long distances difficult and frankly really scary. Maybe you should realise that not everyone is fit and healthy, even if you are.

What does your son expect in terms of you getting your act together for his wedding? Presumably you can both be civil for a day so why the need to force interaction before then?