AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

As in RHS Garden Wisley? Yeah I wouldn't drive 5 hours round trip to take 2 very young children there either.

YABU. For our children we (should) want to do anything to keep a relationship. I'm investing in mine now by driving all round the country for their hobbies and interests, to build memories, so that when I'm your age, they WANT to return the favour.

I don't know if the backstory is important here but I just can't imagine what's led you to a point where you have a cordial relationship with your child and in 4 years haven't put yourself out to meet your grandchild.

@MyThreeWords it’s great for kids - when was the last time you were there?

OP I often took my kids there when they were young. They loved running around the gardens and spotting the occasional bird sculpture. The flowers are gorgeous and a great opportunity, as it’s a testing centre, to talk to them about how they do this. The World Food Garden and maze in particular will spark the interest of any curiosity child. There’s the Back to Nature play area for burning off steam. There’s a few places to eat and it’s all very casual and unpretentious. There are a couple of gentle hills but plenty of flat areas so good for anyone with mobility issues.
Her reluctance to even look at the website is indicative of her reluctance to meet up at sll
though. I think if you want to try and get closer to her you are going to have to go to her. And if you’ve seen her a few times in the last few years why haven’t you met the four year old?

Why do you want to see her - you clearly loathe her. Also struggling to understand how you can clean for 30 hours a week but more than 90 minutes of driving turns you into a death trap on the roads. There’s clearly a as massive back story and your super argumentative responses are giving everyone the impression that you are probably the cause of any bad feeling. Just accept you don’t want to see her and tell your son that. He presumably knows the back story so if it is genuinely all on your daughter then there’s no problem is there.

Presumably you live close?

AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

This is so unreasonable it’s unreal. So your daughter has to do what you say or you’ll back away from her? Is this what you’re always like with her? No wonder you have issues. It’s not reasonable to expect her to drive a 5 hour round trip with 2 small children.

If you really want to have a relationship with her and the children, you need to be more give and take, and less bossy and controlling. You come across as aggressive in your posts, are you like that with your daughter in real life? Try to be nicer to her.

This is a sensible suggestion and is what I'd pitch. Get yourself closer to her on a train, take a book and enjoy the journey both ways. 2.5 hours to Wisley (whatever it is, I don't know) then a day out and then 2.5 hours drive back is a lot to ask of a 4 year old and an under 2. If they have to stop for a wee or hit traffic it could end up a 3 hour journey easily and very young children aren't necessarily going to be their best selves after being in the car for that long. So that's 5 (or 6) hours of travelling and a day out - they'll be knackered. If her suggestion is over 2 hours from you, it's already over an hour from her which still sounds like quite a schlep for a day out with 2 under 5s. Can you get public transport to where she lives and stay in a B&B? Or public transport to an area that's closer to 30 minutes from her and she could come pick you up and go for this day out?

I'm not sure I've seen a ruder OP in all my years here. Could be my very estranged mother

You're 'my way or the highway' approach clearly hasn't worked so far and won't work in future.
I would love to hear your daughters side of this story.

Why should I explain? We are both concentrating on the future. I have said why my posts are short. Maybe you should read my replies?

But you aren't writing replies. You are just writing random posts that sound like responses to specific other posts but because you are still refusing to use the QUOTE button nobody knows who you are talking to or what point you are responding to.

Who are you talking to?! Press "quote" and then type. It is not difficult. You're even stubborn about that.

Your replies are not just short, they are abrupt and rude. If this is how you communicate with your daughter, I am not surprised she is unwilling to compromise with you.

The back story would help us understand better how to advise you. But i don't think you wanted that, you wanted MN to agree with you that your daughter is being a petulant child, because that is how you still see her. She isn't. She is an adult with a life and children of her own. You are now an optional extra for her and if you want to reverse that, the onus is solidly on you to make the effort to fit in with her.

Hey, I’ve tried. I’ve done trips down there that I couldn’t afford and I definitely can’t afford to do another one with hotel. That’s an absolute no.

Really? Maybe get the train and just do one night in a hotel. Did you want to meet your grandchildren?

You're an argumentative old sport alright aren't you?

Yes you are being unreasonable and no amount of you being a rude entitled woman to strangers on the Internet will change that.

You’re in a bit of a catch 22 here!
Driving is tiring I live 90 mins from my family and work and rarely do there and back again on the same day. I’m only 46 and other than perimenopause fatigue have no health issues. so I can see why you don’t want to drive over 90 minutes. However I can also see your daughters point that she doesn’t want to be doing a 4 hour round trip with young children in the car.
Have you thought about meeting up in a town or city that has a train station? Not sure where you are located but I know Leeds, Bristol, Birmingham and Cardiff all have very accessible stations that are near to the city amenities. And there will be lots of others towns that are the same. You could then do a lovely relaxing train journey with no worries about driving and your daughter could either do the same or drive into town with the kids?

You don't have to explain everything to a forum of strangers, but it's very disingenuous to come here for advice while withholding the actual reason you're in this position in the first place.

Based on your replies your past actions probably don't show you in a particularly good light, however, you say you want to move on but all I can see from this post is defensiveness and an unwillingness to consider any feedback at all.

Is Wisley suitable for a family day out- yes. Loads of extended family and friends meet there.

If you want to repair your relationship- meet at DD suggested location especially if you haven’t met your grandchildren yet!

You're coming across as someone very similar to my own mother. Our relationship has broken down because she doesn't make any effort and even though she has been offered advice by others, she is not making any changes. Because she believes she is right, and to her, that is the most important thing.

Not entirely sure how she justifies this to all her friends, I suspect she speaks of me the way you do your daughter. As the daughter in this situation, I don't have the time or the will to pander to this sort of behaviour.

YABVVU

You expect her to do a long drive with 2 small children. If you struggle with long drives, get a train or factor in a stop where you can have a 30 minute rest.

Are you always this selfish?

Did you do a 5 hour round trip to get there?

I can see why your relationship is strained

A 5 hour round trip to spend the few hours there with someone as petulant and argumentative as the OP, who is a complete stranger to these children.

She said no to your suggestion, you said no to her suggestion so now you find a third place. It’s just an ongoing conversation, not sure why you’re turning it into a drama.

I have read you other responses and I’m not sure why you put this in AIBU if you weren’t willing to be told that you were.

People have made lots of helpful suggestions to you, are you considering any of them?

I’ve finally googled fecking Wisley and it doesn’t look that small child friendly.

Whilst I can see u5s are free (probably they don’t get many!) it’s quite expensive per adult. I’m sure you both can find something cheaper nearer to her that is child friendly as you’ve indicated money is an issue.

It looks geared up to older adults wanting a fairly sedate and peaceful day out - and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, but it doesn’t seem like the place to suggest to meet your tiny GC for the first time.

I would say Wisley is a place for old people and not children. It is also a terrible place to drive to.