Having dead parents is not a personality trait….

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

So why do reality tv producers seem to think it is?

this is nothing new, the likes of X Factor were using it as a good old sob story years ago, but I’m currently trying to watch Below Deck Australia, and every second staff member has shared their story of loss at least once an episode.

Married at first sight is just as bad.

it’s bloody boring, and literally nothing to do with the ‘storyline’

AIBU, or has anyone else noticed a real influx in the constant mentions of loss for entertainment purposes?

Edit to add - Both my parents had died by the time I turned 32.

Genuine triumph over adversity is not a "sob story".

Me and DH fast forward through all the sob stories. It doesn't have an impact on how well they sing or cook or whatever else.
I wouldn't go into a job interview and say 'I was abused as a young child then put into care then adopted and abused again and now am estranged from all sets of parents I have ever had, please feel sorry for me and give me the job' that is all true but has no bearing on my ability to do what earns me a living!

My father died a few years ago and I don’t care, no trauma, I didn’t mourn and I don’t miss him.

He idolised my evil mother and looked the other way too many times. She’s still alive, and I look forward to the day she dies.

Usually on Masterchef the story is about a dead relative who either taught the person to cook, particularly enjoyed eating a specific dish or is a link to a culture with non-UK culinary traditions. So it all seems very relevant indeed to the contestant’s cooking skills.

yeah once mfor context was fine, but it felt like they really pushed heavy on the two young lads and their Dads. the siblings, we assumed they'd been in and out of care when they said it had been just them for so long. mom was ill, they never left and now she's better. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult but it was milked so hard. the in-laws felt more relevant. cousins went out before we got too heavy into how they were being expected to be dutiful children and marry soon. which left the Irish father and son and it was pretty clear he was hard work!

Did anyone watch the program 'Blown Away' ? - it was a competitive program about glass blowing (I know...but it was during lockdown) that was on Netflix for a few years.It sounds daft but actually seeing the interpretation, planning and artistry/craftsmanship of the glass blowers was surprisingly interesting. But the whole thing was very American, and classic Netflix, everyone seemed to come equipped with an issue or was representing a particular niche.

In the second series there was a British guy, Elliot Walker, and his pieces were always intriguing and well made & he was always in the front runners for each section of the competition. Until they did one segment where the task was to 'represent the hurdles you have overcome to get here today' or some such idea. And there were heart wrenching stories and people crying and trauma dumping and emoting all over the hot shop. And Elliot Walker made a piece called Spilt Milk which was basically punning on the idea of 'no use crying over it'.
It was so funny, you could see the program was pushing for tragic back stories and emotional sharing, but he just was not playing the game for them, and it really contrasted some USA/UK attitudes. Interestingly his back story was that he had a background in psychology before becoming an artist, and when he had to talk about that work, he spoke about emotional detachment and the ability to let go - it was quite an amusing interpretation but the whole thing felt like a 'fuck you' to the TV attitude of forced oversharing. So he, despite being one of the strongest competitors there ended up being nominated to leave because he 'hadn't followed the brief' (subtext not provided enough human interest) though was not voted out and did go on to eventually and deservedly win the program.

She edited the OP after I made the post. Check her previous comments where she confirms, clever clogs 🙄

I never said you weren't resilient, it was addressed to the OP. And I am not saying she isn't resilient either. Resiliency is not emotional numbness and the inability to talk about what has happened. It's about the ability to return to baseline after trauma and tragedy and keep going. I don't think talking about trauma means someone isn't resilient. And I don't think it's trauma farming either. That said, many people have a 'I don't talk about that' position and that is fine too. We don't have to control what other people do. My reflection was simply that when we really feel we do need to control what other people do, sometimes that says more about us than them....

Hmmm, well, I have exceeded my baseline in high functioning and keep going every day. However I also can feel emotionally numb and sometimes not talk about what happened. So is resiliency based on how you feel, or how well you can wear a mask? Because what you see on the outside that you judge as resiliency means little in terms of what is really going on. Sometimes, it's not about being resilient but recognising you are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

THANK YOU for not 'bringing your whole self' everywhere all the time, especially your sad and disgusting parts!

I've become increasingly intolerant of this whole bloody 'whole self' concept. We all bring our whole selves always, assuming we're not Lego people. This doesn't mean we're required to showcase our miseries, resentments, unresolved issues, symptoms, fetishes and drug habits like a revolving freak show.

And yes, I have done therapy, including a year of group. I know what raw honesty looks like and it isn't this performance.

Parent loss is complicated. I lost my mum at 22 & have spent my adult life grieving what we never had. My dad died at 43 and I’m grieving what we had. But we will all lose our parents (hopefully- the alternative isn’t better for anyone!)

I think it’s the use of sob stories/trauma rather than dead parents per se.

I think

Resiliency is the ability to recover or exceed functioning after trauma or adversity and covers all the aspects of self (global domains) so if you are 'putting on a good show' but emotionally numb and disconnected then recovery is still ongoing I would say.

Maybe, or more likely, you never recover from losing a child to a sickness you never knew they had, and then finding out they aren't the only one affected. I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect anyone to completely heal from that.

However, through finding ways to manage it, I can honestly say I have added some amazing things to my life that I'm not sure would have happened otherwise.