Having dead parents is not a personality trait….

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

So why do reality tv producers seem to think it is?

this is nothing new, the likes of X Factor were using it as a good old sob story years ago, but I’m currently trying to watch Below Deck Australia, and every second staff member has shared their story of loss at least once an episode.

Married at first sight is just as bad.

it’s bloody boring, and literally nothing to do with the ‘storyline’

AIBU, or has anyone else noticed a real influx in the constant mentions of loss for entertainment purposes?

Edit to add - Both my parents had died by the time I turned 32.

I'm in no way religious, but I do think that people we love hang around and can see where we succeed, and listen when we are struggling
(crap - that does sound like i am religious or woo, but I am not)

I can’t remember which of these singing shows it was, but years ago there was a teenage girl who had written a song herself, supposedly about her dead grandad. When she sang the song it was quite clearly a break up song and would have had some very inappropriate lines if it was actually addressed to her grandad.

I remember thinking at the time - if she can sing and actually write a song, that’s pretty impressive for a teenager. Paolo Nutini made a career out of writing about his teenage girlfriend, why are they making her say it’s about her dead grandad?

I don't think it IS shoe horning though, my mum was a very integral part of my life and her death so abrupt and shocking when I was 30 (I'm 43 now) that it did seem to naturally come up in conversation a lot for maybe the first 5-10 years. The past 2-3 years there's more of my life that she was never a part of, friends who have never met her, workplace that I wasn't in when it happened, parenting children etc but it was a big and terrible event for us as a family, I'm the oldest of 6 and youngest sister was 20 and it was just very traumatic as it was sudden and horrible so it did come up a lot for a long time. Now it's mentioned in passing when relevant (friends who have lost parents, someone asking if my whole family will be at an event, kids discussing why they only have 1 granny that sort of thing) and it's no longer a sombre and horrible discussion because weve all come to terms with it.

Yes that's a bit different to this on reality TV shows using it as leverage but the grief of losing a parent you've had a loving relationship with is very very hard. Living through becoming a parent and parenting yourself highlights that gap too or it has for me. I dunno, I struggle to condemn those who feel grief acutely.

Have you lost a parent OP?

I think maybe you've been encouraged to repress your grief, for whatever reason and would probably benefit from some grief counselling, to help you so that it isn't draining to see it as a theme on a TV show. So if I see someone talk about losing a parent on a TV show I might comment to my husband 'do you remember that terrible hour in my mums house after where noone knew what to do and wee sisters newish boyfriend landed to the house with a box of groceries he'd bought because he didn't know what else to do' or some other related story and we might laugh, reminisce, have a hug and then move on. That becomes not draining. It becomes just another part of your narrative.

Scoffing at others sharing their trauma is generally a sign you've been made to feel suffering in silence is best. It's not though!

I think the way I think of it is more pragmatic, I knew my mum. I knew how she reacted to things so I can see her rolling her eyes at my gentle parenting and messy house, smiling at my new job. I can see us arguing about my son's nejrodivergence, I can see her loving him and declaring he didn't need labels and you just need to know how to handle kids as individuals, I can see her adoring my daughter, telling me off for getting a dog because it's too hard work. Even if she's not still here, the person she was to me is still in my head so I get to keep a version of her to an extent.

I agree, but I don't think that makes their continued presence less real. It just explains it.

Have you lost a parent OP?

We all lose our parents. I've lost much more than that and the last thing I would do is use my loss to try and increase my chances of winning a tacky reality show.

Oh absolutely! I'm just offering you the explanation I use for myself because I'm not religious but I still feel the presence 💕

Stop watching such shit telly

Jesus.

I’m alright thanks.

I haven’t repressed anything, and I’m very capable of freely talking to people about both of my parents, when it is relevant.

I don’t, however, think it would be appropriate to walk in to a job interview and use their death as a reason I should get the job.
or make a mistake at work and use it as an excuse.
OR use them as a talking point when it has absolutely nothing to do with any of the situation I’m in. Which is what is happening on these silly little reality tv shows.

I’d be mortified if anyone, including myself, thought that the most noteworthy thing that happened in my life and therefore needs to be discussed time and time again on a programme that has absolutely nothing to do with relatives, living or not, was my dead parents.

And yet that's not actually what's happening, it IS relevant on those shows because with 20 years of history of reality TV we know there is an expectation of sharing any trauma you've suffered and using it to draw the public in. So actually it IS a forum where that train will be discussed. By making this thread you're acknowledging that you as a viewer know that is part of the format yet you choose to watch it. I got fairly bored of reality TV 10/12 years ago. I prefer dramas and comforting long running sitcoms and the fairly repetitive comedy line up shows etc. there is a lot of TV out there, i think this is a sign you've outgrown what your watching.

If you went to showcase your talent in a reality TV show you'd know the expectation would be you discuss your dead ma. As do those people on the show. It's not trauma dumping out of nowhere it's following the shows directions.

What is different is someone in fairly early grief who brings up their trauma Everytime you see them because it IS at the forefront of their mind. That's shoehorning things in, the people on the shows are following the show format not deciding off their own bat to showcase their childhood trauma. Don't watch it.

I don’t actually think that Below Deck screams ‘ this is a show where people will mention their dead/abusive/alcoholic/ill parent’ but there you go.

I don’t remember the earlier seasons following this format. Perhaps I’ll skip any future seasons until they can think of a more entertaining, less exploitive angle.

But do you see that it is the production staff who are looking for these stories?

They want to create a narrative. It's not always dead parent, but as has been pointed out, it's unusual to get through life without experiencing anything traumatic.

You might not like it, but these programmes are popular.

Reality shows aren’t reality in that even if not scripted the producers direct the narrative. They want people to tune in and if talking about XYZ, or manipulating some conflict will do that of course it will be exploited.
My children’s father died when they were small. My DD was diagnosed with MS at 17. She rarely tells anyone about her MS as people react oddly sometimes so she keeps it to herself. She never volunteers about her Dad either, now does my son. It’s their private tragedy that they do not need discussing.
And @Velumental that is silly armchair psychology! We talk about their father quite a bit - if one if his favourite song comes on the radio, etc. People handle their histories differently and if it becomes who they are that’s a problem. For example I know a few people with cancer who say ‘I’m a person living with cancer, it is not my defining characteristic’. They don’t want people looking at them and thinking one thing - and I doubt the people on these shows do either, it’s just the way the producers present it.

I would argue that finding it draining hearing others tell their story if grief IS making it a defining characteristic. Because you wouldn't be drained if you didn't have loss yourself.

They want people to tune in and if talking about XYZ, or manipulating some conflict will do that of course it will be exploited.

Also, they will select what they want from many hours of filming.

Also, they will select what they want from many hours of filming.
Yes this is true. The owners of a B&B local to us were on Four in a Bed years ago and came over somewhat as the "bad guys" of the group. They are not like that at all and locals were quite shocked by how they were depicted. They said that whilst everything that was shown was "real" in so far as it did happen and was said, a lot of the situations were manipulated by the production team and the editing changed the context of lots of things considerably.
I don't watch much reality tv but when I do, I view it pretty much as a scripted drama with low cost actors.

I struggle to feel strongly about it, trying to source and find any kind of emotional hook to lure and audience is the bread and butter of this kind of television so those who seek it out or choose to watch these types of programmes should know what they're getting. There's plenty of other stuff of telly.

I'm approaching 40 and have lost both parents - one when I was very young, one more recently through illness. Coming up 4 years ago my long term partner passed away suddenly so bereavement has played quite a large part in my life and still does whether I like that or not (spoiler: I don't, who would). Is it a personality trait- no of course not, but are those losses defining moments of my life and the absence of those people a continuous and unavoidable part of who I am - yes in so many ways.

Whilst I wouldn't go down the route of airing my own grief on a talent show and to be honest rarely share my bereavement history at all in my real life I can also fully acknowledge that traumatic loss is a very profound event that can change the course and direction of your life. Even if that wasn't an outcome for me, I can understand how people might feel driven to want to make people proud by doing something like this, or do things in their name, or even feel motivated to do something they wouldn't have done before having been appraised of how short life can be.

I've applied for a few reality shows and quizzes and stuff back in my early 20s. I never mentioned losing my dad as a child but I did once do a sob story about being domestically abused and having to leave my career, which was true. And I do genuinely think that helped the producers want to pick me. At least for the first episode. So they really try and extract that stuff. But people now are much more switched on so will just volunteer it as they know what makes 'good telly'.

Wow. Often mums are the one person who is completely in their kid's corner and has their back. Hopefully other family members step up to compensate as best they can when children lose their mother, but this doesn't always happen and often the family is under great stress (for example, if the dad is left a single parent coping alone without much support) which limits the support available to the bereaved child.

Can't you see how going through life without that, and becoming increasingly aware as you get older that actually other children have a crucial source of emotional support that is unavailable to you, might make you feel?

It is often only looking back as adults that we can join the dots and comprehend the scale of our loss.

And Annie. Her and those kids always banging on about it.

I dont think its scoffing at others trauma, its scoffing at the use of trauma (and thats a word used loosely these days) to provide 'entertainment' and form the backbone of virtually every other programme.

Its like no one has anything interesting to say apart from about their trauma.

It's a bit annoying because it's so repetitive and predictable at this stage. But at least if it really was something really bad, it's not too bad compared to the ones where the person didn't really have a sob story and has scratched around to create one. I cringe when the sad music starts while someone tearfully explains that their grandma died (peacefully at 95), their aunty passed away (but she lived overseas and they'd never met), or their house burned down (years after they sold it and moved away).

Why can't people read the bloody OP properly??? 🙄 It wasn't even that long!!

I must admit, there does seem to be a tendency to get a bit ridiculous about it all. Like people being utterly devastated by the death of their great grandfather at 102 years old and should they get counselling. I think the longer we all live and the healthier we become, death and old age is becoming even more taboo and beyond our normal scope than it ever has been before.