Having dead parents is not a personality trait….

[aperolspritzbasicbitch]

So why do reality tv producers seem to think it is?

this is nothing new, the likes of X Factor were using it as a good old sob story years ago, but I’m currently trying to watch Below Deck Australia, and every second staff member has shared their story of loss at least once an episode.

Married at first sight is just as bad.

it’s bloody boring, and literally nothing to do with the ‘storyline’

AIBU, or has anyone else noticed a real influx in the constant mentions of loss for entertainment purposes?

Edit to add - Both my parents had died by the time I turned 32.

I'm very resilient. I also have unresolved trauma. Unless you know me very well, you probably wouldn't even know it. However, part of resilience can be an ability to acknowledge that you do have these unresolved traumas and be honest about how they affect you, yet still be able to go about your life. Resilience doesn't have to mean suppression.

But you're not telling the world about it on TV for leverage in a competition.

This is so true. Take the 4 remaining teams on Race Across the World recently

• sister/wife died
• Dad & stepdad died
• Major heart attack (I think)
• Young carers for mum before her death

These are all truly sad and awful things to go through. However people should get through on merit of their talent, skill or personality depending on the show. A sad back story just isn’t necessary

Honestly, stop watching reality TV then. It's designed to be overly dramatic and emotional. I'm sure they only recruit people with a sob story that can cry easily. Everyone has losses in their lives but these shows want to showcase it.

Well my niece and nephew lost their mum at 4 and 6 and their dad at 16 and 18. Their lives have completely been affected by this . They are in their 30s now and whilst they are of course very lucky in many ways, this central trauma is a core part of their personality so I do think YAB(a biit)U

A long time ago I was in the final round of auditions for a skill based show and they were desperate for me to talk about my "infertility struggles" as they kept calling it. The thing is, one of the reasons I'd thrown myself into developing the skill was because I was trying to distract myself from it all, so I really didnt want to end up having to talk about it on tv!

I remember the really weird way the assistant perked up when she realised I had this sad story- it was so odd and somewhat offensive. Anyway I told them I wasnt happy to discuss it and that was the end of that.

I think reality show contestants are goaded into this by the producers, but I think less of them that they go along with it. Performative grief is shallow grief as far as I'm concerned.

She edited that info into the official post after I posted that. Her reply confirms.

We all have tragic things having happened to us. Personally I don't ever talk about it because it's private. Only my dh and best friends know. I'd rather die than going on national tv telling everyone about what I've been through. It's just to score sympathy points and it's very cringe as my teen would say.

i lost both parents younger than you and it’s def shaped my life.
Having said that, it feels like everyone in reality TV has some sort if sob story these days, whether it be bereavement, estrangement, carer duties etc. I suppose most people have had something bad happen in their lives though (although it shouldn’t be a prerequisite for appearing on a show).

I don't really watch reality TV (prefer true crime 😂), but sounds like I could audition for BGT and have a decent chance of getting on in spite of a lack of talent, I've got plenty of traumatic stories to regail for the cameras!

I am a bit unsure really OP.
I see your point to an extent, we all suffer losses and trauma of one kind or another. So it is not exceptional.

But acknowledgement of this and talking about it is a lot better that alternative ways of dealing with it. Such as for example shutting down, pretending it didn't happen or ( very common sadly) using alcohol and / or drugs ir developing mental and physical health problems.

Resilience is born from support. The world has changed and many people seek and receive support online and from others outside of their immediate networks.

I have had a number of bereavements in the last few years. I am totally changed and it is part of my personality. I don't talk about it much but that doesn't divert from that reality.

Be kind and tolerant - its free .

It isn’t even just this, it’s the whole sob story thing in general. I have been asked to share my back story with first generation students and have obliged because I want them to feel accepted within the uni and like there’s no ceiling to their aspirations however they grew up. It’s quite nice because they’ll sometimes approach after and talk to me about things they’ve experienced.

I don’t go massively in depth, I try to keep things as to the point as possible e.g I lived in a house where domestic violence and addiction was the norm but I don’t expand. I’d never ever do this socially randomly or for attention (clout as my DD’s would say).

I think maybe I haven’t explained what I mean correctly.

of course it shapes your life, of course it changes you as a person - I’m sure I’d be quite different if I had both parents still. Of course it’s good to talk about things….BUT if you start allowing yourself to talk about it continuously on what’s supposed to be an entertainment show, it’s performative and some what exploitive.
unless the show you are appearing on is actually about losing a parent/sibling/grandparent/goldfish, it’s actually pretty irrelevant.

and, maybe it’s because of my very own little sob story, but I don’t need that storyline shoved in my face every 15 minutes. It’s draining, and it’s not what I’m watching the show for. I want to wild guests and moody deckhands.

I used to work in TV and the tragic tale is now part of the nations personality. And I hate it, which is why I used to work in TV.
Even the geekiest of special interest groups will volunteer the most irrelevant detail alongside specialist knowledge, often repeating it, primed by production.
Eg. You and your friends have reconstructed a steam engine from pieces. It's not enough to ask how or where or what and get because this is our hobby and we could so we did.
Theres a ton of ADHD and Autism which they were blissfully unaware of for decades just getting on with technical jobs in niche areas which now gets dragged out. My favourite, is honouring a dead person they have never met, often a grand dad or men who were conscripted during a War, always referred to as heros. Not in charge of stores or working in a car factory who enjoyed model engineering and their allotment.
Women are only honoured for cooking despite an entire generation raised on Angel Delight and a dull rotation of regular economical standards.

On this year’s BGT the runners up were a drone display team who never told us anything at all about their backstories. I’m not sure their individual names were even given.

That said, you are right and DH and I always have fun when we watch American Idol, predicting which contestant will have a parent who had an oxy problem…

I agree re the talent shows but you are wrong about RATW.

The point is to show how doing the race puts them in a different environment that prompts them to think about their past and work through some of the issues.

And with Mark and Margo the shared loss was the precise reason they paired up. It was a genuinely interesting back story.

My brother’s in a wheelchair after a horrible accident at work. I keep trying to get him to pair up with me for a quiz show with decent prize money, we’d romp through the auditions.

This
I 100pc agree

I don’t have many reality shows to compare with as I don’t watch much tv, this is one of the only programmes I watch each year. I love the show and liked the contestants. Margo definitely had a fabulous energy and the reasons for them doing the challenge certainly centred on what they went through. I also feel the money will make a big different to the two young men who won. However I feel someone who hasn’t been through something so life changing would also be challenged with such a task.

I think it’s the TV producers who push contestants on these programmes to talk about things like this. I lost my DF when I was very young and it’s rare that I think that someone has spontaneously brought up a dead parent in a show like the X-Factor, Love Island etc. they will have been heavily pushed / encouraged to talk about it by the showrunner.

Any show including members of the public seems to be all about the 'backstory' which is why I rarely watch them any more. There's absolutely a time and place for talking about loss and struggle, but it isn't 'The Great British Bake Off'.

See also people being "working class", try to find a political activist, poet, singer etc who doesn't bang on about how working class they are. Given that the vast majority of us will have working class roots it's probably the least interesting thing about a person but it always gets wheeled out.

@MoltenLasagnethat's horrible and I'm so glad you had the nerve to say no. It's easy get talked into things in that kind of environment

There's no mention of anyone losing parents young in the OP. For the record, I lost my mum very suddenly when I was 18. But unless I was specifically asked about it or it was relevant to the discussion there's no way I'd talk about it on tv or anywhere else to people I don't know. I've come to realise that pretty much everyone has had something tragic happen to them