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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What is the wankiest thing you’ve seen your ex do?

933 replies

Magpiesinthegarden · 03/06/2026 13:51

That made you think - what a knob! And that you are well rid of them!

lighthearted thread -

I’ll go first -

Recently my ex changed his profile picture to this wanky AI generated image of him in the middle with a halo and two angels either side… he actually gave himself a halo 🤣 What a knobhead! Like he was Jesus 😳(He was a massive narcissist. My ex. Not Jesus)

What are the wankiest things your ex has ever done?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
ThatCyanCat · 11/06/2026 18:27

WankiestExTales · 11/06/2026 13:13

I absolutely love this thread 🤣 definitely needs to go into Classics! The chewed table mats fully did me, it’s been days and I’m still laughing 😂
I’ve name changed for my contribution as it’s pretty outing. A few days after exh and I had the official ‘we’re definitely getting divorced’ conversation, our then-3yo was diagnosed with leukaemia. She (and therefore I) spent weeks in hospital, which was already very difficult compounded by much bad feeling between exh and I.
So fast forward, she’d been home for a couple of days, I was organising to move out with the kids, we were still living together in the meantime, she was very poorly, the other kids were pretty traumatised, it was all horrible. Youngest was on intensive chemo so had all kinds of weird food aversions & cravings and would only eat a few things. She’d asked for something specific one evening; exh and I lived v rurally at the time so the nearest shop was about a half hour drive away. He was going out to collect a takeaway for his dinner (no one else got one obviously). I asked him to pop in to the supermarket (next door to the takeaway) and collect this food that youngest had asked for - she wasn't up to being hauled out to shops at that point. He refused because “I don’t want my food to get cold”. So I waited with an extremely sick, hungry toddler for him to get back with his own dinner so that I could do the nearly hour long round trip to get hers.
There were so so many other instances of wankery, but that stands out as one of the top contenders! To be so petty that he’d throw his seriously ill 3yo under the bus for the sake of making my life a bit harder 🤦‍♀️ on the plus side it cemented for me that it was 100% the right decision to leave.

May his every shit be a porcupine.

I hope your child is ok.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/06/2026 19:44

I couldn’t agree more, @ThatCyanCat!

CherryogDog · 12/06/2026 08:59

My ex was a tosser. But I was young and naive. He modelled himself on Denis Waterman AKA Minder.
But he was so stupid he once tried slicing bread with the loaf on top of the kettle flex and shocked himself 😄
I'm a horsey woman, and used to work at a riding school. After I ended the relationship he used to turn up at my work and hang about looking forlorn.
I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to get back with him.
So he bought a bag of apples, proceded to take a bite out of each one and throw the rest over the gate. Fucking weirdo.
But it gets worse. I was living with my Dad after Id moved out, had the upper rooms in his house. Dad had a key on a bit of string because he'd forgotten his key a few times.
Dickhead ex knew this. Also knew that my Dad went to football with my brother every Saturday so the house would be empty.
I got home fromwork, and the first thing I noticed was the smell of his feet (yeah they always stank).
I called out "Is that you Baldrick". No answer. Went upstairs and found him lying on the contents of my dirty laundry, simulating sex, whilst watching the scene from Equus where the boy attacks the horses.

ThatCyanCat · 12/06/2026 09:21

CherryogDog · 12/06/2026 08:59

My ex was a tosser. But I was young and naive. He modelled himself on Denis Waterman AKA Minder.
But he was so stupid he once tried slicing bread with the loaf on top of the kettle flex and shocked himself 😄
I'm a horsey woman, and used to work at a riding school. After I ended the relationship he used to turn up at my work and hang about looking forlorn.
I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to get back with him.
So he bought a bag of apples, proceded to take a bite out of each one and throw the rest over the gate. Fucking weirdo.
But it gets worse. I was living with my Dad after Id moved out, had the upper rooms in his house. Dad had a key on a bit of string because he'd forgotten his key a few times.
Dickhead ex knew this. Also knew that my Dad went to football with my brother every Saturday so the house would be empty.
I got home fromwork, and the first thing I noticed was the smell of his feet (yeah they always stank).
I called out "Is that you Baldrick". No answer. Went upstairs and found him lying on the contents of my dirty laundry, simulating sex, whilst watching the scene from Equus where the boy attacks the horses.

The what. He did what. He sliced bread and... and then he went to the stables with a bag of apples and he... and then went to where you were living and let himself in without permission when he knew nobody would be home and he...

I'm sorry, obviously none of this is your fault but I have to ask, what did you ever see in him? This is fucking Norman Bates shit. Did you ever meet his mother?

ScruffMuffin · 12/06/2026 11:54

That is some seriously weird shit!

Fernticket · 12/06/2026 12:20

CherryogDog · 12/06/2026 08:59

My ex was a tosser. But I was young and naive. He modelled himself on Denis Waterman AKA Minder.
But he was so stupid he once tried slicing bread with the loaf on top of the kettle flex and shocked himself 😄
I'm a horsey woman, and used to work at a riding school. After I ended the relationship he used to turn up at my work and hang about looking forlorn.
I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to get back with him.
So he bought a bag of apples, proceded to take a bite out of each one and throw the rest over the gate. Fucking weirdo.
But it gets worse. I was living with my Dad after Id moved out, had the upper rooms in his house. Dad had a key on a bit of string because he'd forgotten his key a few times.
Dickhead ex knew this. Also knew that my Dad went to football with my brother every Saturday so the house would be empty.
I got home fromwork, and the first thing I noticed was the smell of his feet (yeah they always stank).
I called out "Is that you Baldrick". No answer. Went upstairs and found him lying on the contents of my dirty laundry, simulating sex, whilst watching the scene from Equus where the boy attacks the horses.

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 · 12/06/2026 12:34

Just remembered a literal wanky one.
Before I moved out of our home I 'lived'in the conservatory.. Needing some clothes I went into' "our 'bedroom assuming exh had gone out.. Opened the door to find him wanking into my new pj's. Midway he obviously wasn't stopping so I loudly asked if he had finished yet. As a catholic who for years had denied such evil doings it was quite a spectacular moment. Not the actual thing. Absolutely nothing spectacular about seeing that.
He never replaced those pj's.

12234m · 12/06/2026 13:14

@WankiestExTales why couldn't he gets his daughter's stuff first as the takeaway would be keeping his food warm anyway ?

I hope your daughter is fully recovered now.

Modpopcom · 12/06/2026 13:47

My ex had a history of contacting my employers and demanding I be given time off work. On one occasion, she called my HR department and senior management, swearing at them because I had been refused leave to attend a routine hospital appointment with my stepchild due to staffing shortages. Although I apologised to my employer, the incident was recorded and caused significant embarrassment.

I was then told informed by her ex that she done it to him as well

The following day, my ex told me the child needed emergency surgery and insisted I travel to Manchester immediately. After discussing the situation with my manager, I travelled there, only to discover there was no emergency admission or surgery. The child was well, and the hospital simply advised avoiding certain drinks. This incident nearly cost me my job.

Around the same time, my company was restructuring and I had to reapply for my management position. The previous incidents were raised, and I was unsuccessful, resulting in a demotion from management to a team leader role.
A few weeks later, while working from home, our internet cable was damaged. Although it appeared our new puppy had caused the damage, concerns arising from previous incidents led to disciplinary action and a further demotion to a call centre agent. My employer also expressed concerns that I may have been in an abusive relationship.

I eventually began working from my sister’s house and secured a new role elsewhere. However, after the relationship ended and my ex had moved into a mates Bungalow, she contacted my new employer and falsely alleged that I had assaulted her and that police were involved. As a result, I was suspended from that position.

By the point i knew it was time to stop the relationship. and block on everything.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2026 19:17

Oh, I just remembered one!

When a particular ex broke up with me I was devastated. He gently took my hand and said "I'm sorry and I hope that you don't feel like committing suicide over me". As if! I tell you, that dried my tears right up and healed my broken heart instantly. I was so gobsmacked I just sat there gaping at him.

I didn't know the term 'wanker' back then being in the US. But if I had I would have spat it at him with venom.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/06/2026 19:38

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2026 19:17

Oh, I just remembered one!

When a particular ex broke up with me I was devastated. He gently took my hand and said "I'm sorry and I hope that you don't feel like committing suicide over me". As if! I tell you, that dried my tears right up and healed my broken heart instantly. I was so gobsmacked I just sat there gaping at him.

I didn't know the term 'wanker' back then being in the US. But if I had I would have spat it at him with venom.

Wow, that is next level ego!!

somethingnewandexciting · 13/06/2026 09:32

Same ex who's first warning was the board tip turned up on my doorstep when CMS as it was then had been calling his mobile because he was refusing to pay child support and hanging up on them. They of course then began calling his work. All I knew at the time was he was over 7 months in arrears and nothing was happening and he had literally disappeared. Only he decided to hang out in my porch so that when I got back from work one day he was there (with a weekend bag) immediately began crying and begging me to "stop the CMS!" - apparently they (I) had forced him to drink so heavily through stress he had developed liver disease and one more drink would kill him! If I didn't make them stop he would DIE and I would be arrested for MANSLAUGHTER.
It was £20pw out of his £60k salary FGS.

somethingnewandexciting · 13/06/2026 09:32

Same ex who's first warning was the board tip turned up on my doorstep when CMS as it was then had been calling his mobile because he was refusing to pay child support and hanging up on them. They of course then began calling his work. All I knew at the time was he was over 7 months in arrears and nothing was happening and he had literally disappeared. Only he decided to hang out in my porch so that when I got back from work one day he was there (with a weekend bag) immediately began crying and begging me to "stop the CMS!" - apparently they (I) had forced him to drink so heavily through stress he had developed liver disease and one more drink would kill him! If I didn't make them stop he would DIE and I would be arrested for MANSLAUGHTER.
It was £20pw out of his £60k salary FGS.

theallypallywasp · 15/06/2026 16:27

Over40Overdating · 03/06/2026 19:25

‘Accidentally’ sent me a selfie that was meant for his much younger OW who prided herself on being very alternative - him in a suit so tight every seam was screaming for its life, with a top hat and skull tipped cane, covered in eyeliner, referring to himself as master. With a text that said he had ordered a box with a handle so they could take her pet snake to the pub.

I sent back a crying laughing emoji and said RIP to the suit, it put up a good fight but was no match for his giant arse and stomach and I hoped the snake would escape and find a home with people who were not gobshites.

In her defence she was 23 and very immature. He was 43.

I still hope the snake ran away.

This is one of the best things I have ever heard 😂

JuliettaCaeser · 15/06/2026 18:00

There are some extremely disturbing behaviours on this thread! Feel bad about rejecting my man who lived in Weston super mare who was otherwise nice!

ForeverTheOptomist · 15/06/2026 19:05

.... exist?

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/06/2026 21:08

JuliettaCaeser · 15/06/2026 18:00

There are some extremely disturbing behaviours on this thread! Feel bad about rejecting my man who lived in Weston super mare who was otherwise nice!

Not that you need a reason to stop seeing someone but I am curious.....whats wrong with Weston?! My BIL's family are there and the only issue is the traffic getting there sometimes!

JuliettaCaeser · 15/06/2026 23:11

I find it really depressing and not somewhere I would want to live. Certainly not at 25! I went to central London instead so stand by my choices!

TheGhostOfYouAndMe · 16/06/2026 19:52

Suzanne678 · 04/06/2026 00:29

I'm a huge Bruce Springsteen fan. My ex put up pictures of him and his new girlfriend on Instagram with Thunder Road as the music.
He probably didn't realise that he was telling her that she ain't a beauty but, hey, that's alright. He did a lot worse in his time but that amused me.

Huge Bruce fan here too and this made me laugh. As soon as I read Thunder Road, my brain went “She ain’t a beauty, but hey she’s alright!” 😂

theallypallywasp · 17/06/2026 16:10

youlied · 05/06/2026 00:12

Mine did exactly the same!!!! It was places I introduced him to as well! Idiot

Mine too! Showing his girlfriend "authentic Spain". what a prick.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/06/2026 18:16

JuliettaCaeser · 15/06/2026 23:11

I find it really depressing and not somewhere I would want to live. Certainly not at 25! I went to central London instead so stand by my choices!

Fair enough! I was just curious as they all seem to love it there....they are quite enmeshed though imo!

BreadedChickenLips · 17/06/2026 18:23

JuliettaCaeser · 15/06/2026 18:00

There are some extremely disturbing behaviours on this thread! Feel bad about rejecting my man who lived in Weston super mare who was otherwise nice!

My ex had a regional accent that pronounced my name in a really irritating way. Think dropping the H in Helen. He left me a voicemail and it jarred so much I dumped him!

DixonD · 19/06/2026 10:16

Doggymummar · 03/06/2026 21:09

Mine (15years divorced after 10ywar years relationship) still has the same profile picture across social media as he had when we met ,. Him at 30. Hes 60 in December. If he's online dating it will be his dating profile too

There was no social media 30 years ago - that was 1996! The internet had barely taken off at that point.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/06/2026 12:17

DixonD · 19/06/2026 10:16

There was no social media 30 years ago - that was 1996! The internet had barely taken off at that point.

Just because FB didnt exist doesnt mean that there wasnt SM! Life didnt start on the stroke of midnight 2000!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/06/2026 15:36

I am racking my brain to think of the SM site that preceded FaceBook, but all my poor, aged brain can come up with is Only Connect, and I know it wasn’t that, @PyongyangKipperbang. Was it Friends Connect, or something similar?