First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

I wouldn't call people who do it bastards but I don't like it. It feels like a strange power play move, it removes my agency in relation to paying my own way. Personally I'd rather the gesture was offered in plain sight and then I have the opportunity to say if I'd prefer to contribute too.
It's only a nice thing to pay if everyone comes away feeling good about it and lots of people would come away from this feeling uncomfortable.

Only if they’re insecure. Everyone else would be delighted they saved a few pounds.

I'd be fine with it if they were normal about it and said, "we'd like to get this for everyone if you don't mind", or "I hope you don't mind but we've been up and paid" of course I wouldn't mind, and I'd say thank you. But sneaking off to pay and not saying anything is massively awkward for everyone involved, OP wanted them to offer to pay so she could then announce that it was taken care of.. why do that, why make it weird?

They are treating the other parents like they treat their son and DIL, as dependents that need to be paid for.. it's condescending.

How odd.
Maybe your son had told them that you were going to pay? Still a bit rude not to say thanks though.
Is there a big wealth gap between you and them?

I wouldn’t have liked you paying the bill like that. It would have made me very uncomfortable . In a restaurant I expect the bill to come to the table and to deal with it in the usual way, and for no one to do anything weird.

I suppose some of it might depend on how the dinner conversation went.

But we have definitely had people tell us the bill has been taken care of and we just took it as a nice surprise. Genuinely didn't feel condescended to.

It could be completely innocent and it totally slipped their mind, then when they realised afterwards they must have realised someone paid.

Not everything is intentional.

There's nothing insecure about preferring to be treated as an equal.

Well you had been a bit unpleasant, calling OP sneering and condescending. I think she was just explaining the situation and answering questions.

Was the food good? You've said the service wasn't. If the whole experience wasn't great maybe it was hard to say thanks. Phone your DS, point out that he should thank anyone who buys him a meal and let him pay sometimes (unless they are both on NMW and you only eat at Michelin starred restaurants).

Am I the only.one thinking they could have called a waiter over only to be told there was no bill as it had been settled. Maybe everyone was embarassed? Otherwise I don't know.

Well intentioned gesture gone wrong. @50sandFabulous are you after the pat on the back here for paying because you didn't get one at the restaurant? Posting here doesn't change things. We can only speculate 🤔

But we have definitely had people tell us the bill has been taken care of and we just took it as a nice surprise.

I think this is the difference though, I'd like this too, as long as it was bought up at some point so everyone knew and had a cue to acknowledge it.

Doing it in secret and not saying anything, while waiting for people to twig on so you can 'correct' them is just weird and uncomfortable.

But wouldn't you then raise it? When you remembered?

It sounds to me as though OPs DH was making gestures to pay from the table then when he got no service went up to pay. I find it really hard to think that all that happened and they not only didn't notice his efforts to pay, but also totally forgot to think of paying.

Judging by some of the responses on here, I think it is far more likely they have got their knickers in a twist that they were being condescended to - and who knows, maybe OP and her DH spent the meal waxing lyrical about their yacht and second home and how well their business was going and it was all becoming so nauseating the paying was the final straw.

But absent that information, I just think it is rude - even if you had preferred to have the option to pay.

Yes, people should definitely say thank you. But it sounds like the whole thing was awkward. No one knew who was paying, it was done in secret at the end, then no one mentioned anything...It doesn't sound like anyone was blessed with great social skills when it comes to bill issues, to be honest!

If only it was clear upfront who was paying! Avoids SO much awkwardness at the end, and people can relax once they know the score.

Edit: If it's not clear in the invitation that some party members are the guests of other party members, it's best if someone who means to pay says at the start: "Barbara and Gerald, will you let Brian and I treat you today?" If they say "Oh, we were going to treat YOU!" they could say "OK, then it's on us next time!" or "Feel free to treat us next time!" as the case may be. Or they might say "We prefer to pay for ourselves this time" then cool, you can tell the server that you'd like separate bills at the start. It's SO much better for the wait staff to know at the beginning.

But this awkward dance at the end is SO English. 🙈 I can't say it strongly enough - sort it out at the start! And if you are inviting someone and mean to pay, make that very clear in the invitation and make it clear again at the start of the meal, by saying "Remember, this is my treat. Don't be shy!"

If I go for a first date - rare - I address the matter of the bill at the start. I say "Let's pay for ourselves" and then tell the server to create separate bills. AT THE START!

Well I take your point but I think it only "came up" because we asked about the bill - which was down to the ILs not OP and her DH.

It’s insecure to feel uncomfortable with accepting a kind gift. It shouldn’t make you feel less of an equal. Quite the opposite. You’re valued and they would like to treat you. It’s damn right rude, not to appreciate it and not to say thank you for it.

It doesn't sound like anyone was blessed with great social skills when it comes to the bill, to be honest!

This is starting to feel a little bit true!😂

But surely in that situation you would actually make some effort to have that conversation? For instance, you would ask for the bill, or when it appeared you would get your credit card out, or you would say at some point earlier something like "This is on us, by the way" or "Shall we go halves on the bill?" or whatever. If someone else insisted on paying, surely you would say Thank you?

The problem for OP is that no-one so much as mentioned the subject.You can't resent the fact that you didn't have a conversation about paying if you made zero effort to say a thing about it.

I just hope the OP has the hangover she deserves tomorrow morning but in the meantime I’ve reported the “utter moron” comment.

The OP used LEFT (her capitals) as an insult, I think that gives some clues as to how the dinner conversation went.

I have a friend who gets frantic about whether the bill will be itemised according to what everyone orders, or split evenly. I have now understood that when outin a group with her it is best to say at the beginning "shall we all pay for what we order" or she gets so frantic when anyone orders an extra something or other, but I do always feel a bit pedantic.

I can only think that it must be that your son has said that he will cover the meal, and they've thanked him.

I can't believe that people can be that cheeky to not query the bill regardless of who has invited who.

Well said OP.

This. I'm not saying this is the case for you OP, but I come from a family of very ostentatious payers (think of the Father Ted episode where Mrs Doyle gets physically fighting with her friend because they both want to pay for tea... ) and the whole thing just makes me want to gag. Sneaking off to pay, to deprive the other person of the opportunity, and thus have the chance to play Mr/Mrs Big Shot, is exactly the sort of thing people do in my family. I've had relatives literally shove me out the way at the bar so they could pay for the round instead of me. And yet if you are a bit more shy or reserved and don't put up enough of a fight to pay for the round or the meal (despite being literally wrestled out the way!) then Lord help you, you'll never hear the end of it about how tight you are. But it just makes my skin crawl, the performance of it all, the making a scene, the rows over paying that ruin a nice meal, along with the expectation that everyone else has to join in the excruciating charade otherwise they're a cheapskate.

Now, OP, I'm not suggesting that you snuck off to pay in order to flex ... But I do think that by doing so, you could have unwittingly made it quite awkward for them, denying them the chance to pay... a lot of people find things like this very awkward, and you strayed from the traditional script that everyone knows, thereby making it harder for them to stick to their lines.

Possibly the other parents had already spoken to their DD and her husband about the bill and he said "Oh my mum and dad will pay, they always do". Or if the lunch was your suggestion, and they had received the message "My parents would like to take us all out to lunch". Still oddly rude not to say thank you as they said goodbye.