First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Anyway, everyone is missing the really interesting point about this whole scenario which to me is that noone left the table for the entire duration of the meal, not even to go the the loo.

Camel bladders.🐫

"I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture."

Why did you do this?
There was no need to do this.
You should have just let the bill come to the table in full view of everyone.

Please don't do it again.

You seem thoughtful. They seem thoughtless. Don't put yourself in this position again.

I think these are two different extremes though.

Your family sound absolutely vile. Insisting on paying and then throwing it in your face. Sorry you have to go through that Greengage. I'd be getting vocal about it and telling them to fuck off.

OP seems to be genuinely surprised that not a thank you was given. I would be too, but I honestly think that the son may have told them that the meal was covered, and they've thought he was paying and thanked him.

I don't get how someone could sit down for a meal, eat it and not acknowledge that the bill was settled.

Why did you buy the wedding dress?
Why didn't bride's parents contribute anything?

No good deed goes unpunished. That would be the first and last time I had a meal with these people.

Exactly this, OP, BUT IN BOLD.

This may come as a surprise, but there are quite a lot of parents who can't contribute anything. Most of my friends earn way more than their parents ever did. Lots of people don't have a grand or two to spare (which is what you'd realistically need to contribute to make any dent at all in the cost of a wedding.

🤣🤣🤣

Honestly, I just got very fed up with the post-meal awkwardness. That's why I started taking the bull by the horns and setting it all out at the start. It's really wonderful to be able to relax with it all sorted.

It also helped that I read a tip online from a waitstaff member who said for the love of god, if you're paying separately PLEASE ask us at the beginning to create separate bills, because it's a million times easier to create separate tabs at the start than to separate it all out at the end.

It's also really good when your own personal bill just arrives, and you don't have to spend time working out who had what!

The one expensive lunch I've been to since taking this approach, it worked really well. I was clear that I was paying, as my friend had not been clear in her invitation but I addressed the elephant and sorted it out with her beforehand. Then I told the waitress at the start. And then I merrily ordered as many tiny expensive Cokes as I wanted, guilt-free, and I got my own bill at the end.

It's been a revelation to learn here that people don't like the sneak-pay.

OP, you probably should have addressed it upfront and asked your son's PILs if they would let you treat them today.

Nah, the whole thing sounds awkward and like there was a misunderstanding. The real problem here is that NO ONE WAS CLEAR FROM THE START!

These two couples are probably going to be grandparents to the same children. There is no point thinking badly of them over something like this.

My father in law did this when we got engaged and both our families (brothers and sisters, husbands and wives) plus parents went out for a meal. My in-laws are quite well off and my fil likes to flex doing this. He made my dad and brother feel very very small. My brother said later "why did he do that, I've never even met the bloke before". My dad couldn't afford to casually pick up the tab for a meal for 16 people, he can afford my parent's meal which is what we would have done, just everyone pay for their own in their couples. My father in law really gets off on the whole "aren't you so generous paying for everyone", it's just awkward.

The fact you did this sneaking off to pay thing (my fil does this, rather than waiting for the bill to be brought over so everyone goes "what so I owe", he returns to the table with this really smug face, awaiting the "aren't you generous") and you planned pay anyway suggests you wanted the whole "wow, aren't you generous paying", it can actually make the party on the receiving end feel very awkward, particularly if there's a disparity in wealth. I imagine they thanked your son thinking he paid when you were away from the table.

Not at all, any more than your people who'd be delighted to save a few pounds are penny pinchers or scroungers. Both sets of my grandparents would have hated the secret payment, for very different reasons. Personally I wouldn't enjoy having that decision made for me. That's not a position I chose to put myself in. If someone offers to pay for a meal then there are plenty of times I'd be happy to accept the kind offer. But I would appreciate being given the choice. Making decisions for me isn't something I ever see as a positive action.

Well they can't have had too much of the whole "smug face" thing if they thought the son paid.

Honestly I think some people let insecurity get the better of their manners.

Can you ask your son?

I think FIL should say, "X, X, and X, will you let me treat you today?" instead of doing the sneak-pay, since it seems to set people off. And then your dad could have said "That's very kind, but Susan and I prefer to just pay for ourselves" and your bro could have accepted or declined as he wished. And then you could have let the staff know how to bill you from the start. And then everyone knows where they stand and can relax and enjoy themselves.

This is how I feel about it, if it was a nice gesture you would have paid and told everyone what you were doing and why.. not doing it in secret before the bill even arrived and making it uncomfortable for everyone.

You've already flexed your wealth with the wedding that they obviously couldn't contribute anything towards.. and you've now done the same here, they may have wanted to show their gratitude to you and paid for this and you took it away from them.

I wouldn't take it as a "nice gesture" from you at all.

@50sandFabulous some of the comments here are crazy!

Who doesn't think of paying for their food?

Who doesn't thank the person who has?

Who gets pissed off at people doing a kind thing?

If people are that annoyed at 'sneaky' paying then they say, oh thank you but I'd prefer if we transferred you our share of the bill.

I don't know anyone who would behave this way. As for people admitting they've 'dine and ran' accidentally, I bet they wouldn't dine and run if they had no one else there to foot the bill, or else they'd be charged with theft. Or would they tell the police 'oops, I forgot you had to pay when you go to restaurants'.

Mind boggling.

Can’t get over some of these replies op. Absolutely ridiculous. You have done nothing wrong! They are rude!!! What are they like in general?

Yeah, this is not the flex you think it is.

You quoted a post of mine where I wrote I'd still thank you of course to ask me surely you would say Thank you?

I was enjoying this thread to start with, even the strong responses from posters who completely disagree with me but replies like this from people who just want to argue with themselves instead of engaging with what has actually been said... it's just exhausting, I cannot be fucked anymore.

Would have been much easier to say "we'll get this" then the other couple could say "don't be silly we'll get ours thanks" or "that's kind of you thank you". Taking that choice to pay away from the other party is all a bit awkward and makes it look like they are flexing. In-laws can be vv different, come from very different walks of life or cultures, what is a generous offer to one person, is an awkward situation for another.

I didn’t much care that I had to pay for my own wedding.
I got to have the exact wedding I wanted - from my dress to the cake to the food to who I DIDN’T have to invite.
What still sort of sticks in my throat is that they threw an elaborate wedding and reception for my sister several years before I got married.
And when I say “elaborate,” I’m talking almost 500 people and a sit-down dinner with a full bar.
Elaborate.

I got “We just don’t have the money.”
Yeah. I know. You spent it all on that elaborate sit-down dinner with the full bar, you arseholes. Good going.
They overcompensated my entire life.
I don’t know why.

They should have thanked you for picking up the bill. As should your DS and his wife.

However it is strange to me that you and your DH discussed paying the whole bill, failed to get the attention of wait staff to do so, co-ordinated going to the bar to pay, actually went and paid and yet you think no-one noticed this happening.

It's also strange to decide to pick up the whole tab as a kind gesture and then be annoyed that you didn't get the opportunity to do the whole "oh no it's fine, we've already taken care of it" routine.

So all 3 couples were U in my view.

I’m sorry to hear this

You were asked multiple times if there was a wealth disparity and you did not answer

We have had this, on the third meal out, we paid the first two, and their dd was living at ours and only 18, my DH said they invited us no way do we pay, had the meal it was their dd birthday, the bill arrived, Ubers turned up and left, I was squirming an hour passed, my dd was kicking me under table, finally her stepdad paid and stormed off. Never again have we gone out. They are financially very comfortable, just bloody tight