First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

I'm trying to make exactly that point! It's just weird not to thank.

You don't thank because you wanted something: you thank because it is polite.

Isn’t it possible they thought you didn’t want to be thanked? Seeing as you paid secretly?
What other reason is there to do it secretly after all?

If they felt they were invited/the son or your daughter had said you were paying, it's fine not to offer, but rude not to say thank you. Unless they thought the couple were paying (did they thank them, thinking they'd paid?).

I don't understand why a conversation didn't take place at the table along the lines of 'service is terrible, I'll go to the bar and pay ' However, having said this I do wonder why they didn't say anything. Do you think they were embarrassed? Especially after after not contributing to the wedding.

Did you invite them? It's often the case that the person inviting pays the bill. They are likely to invite you next time, then they will pay. That's how it goes.

Also it's usual to write a thank you note afterwards.

Son got married recently.Obviously, we have met his parents.

Aren’t you his parents?

Yes, I am half wondering if a thank you note might turn up in the next couple of days. I've had that happen. Personally I would go for both a quick thanks at the time and then follow up if I were doing the note, but some people seem to feel that a note is the correct way.

It's wild to me that some people see power play behind this paying-for-meals malarkey. If someone treats me, I think "How nice" and smile and say thank-you. And I return the favour in the future.

If someone paid for me the whole time though, I wouldn't like that. It has to be give and take.

God, I absolutely loathe it when people do the sneaky paying for everyones meal thing. It's so performative, and like they want you to be indebted to them.

By all means say at the table "We'll get this" before you actually do it, give the others a chance to object or say "Thanks very much, we'll get it next time", but to just do it is really unpleasant.

Yes, they were rude not to thank you @50sandFabulous , but you were just as rude to do it in the first place.

Maybe they do t have as much wealth as you and your DH. They should have said thank you though.

How does she sound vile? What a strange thing to say!

I don’t think it’s patronising. I’ve been to many a meal where someone has got the bill early without the rest of us aware. They do this to save everyone from the awkward back-and-forth discussion at the table ‘no you’re not paying, but I’d like to, you don’t have to and so on and so on’. They want to pay as a gift.

Which we graciously accept and say our thanks.

I don't think it is a cash flow thing, Because i've been bones of my arse poor and I would still do the "now don't be daft, well thats really lovely of you next ones on us etc etc" I would also pick you up a bottle of wine/ bunch of flowers to say thank you.
Even if you think someones doing it in a flash the cash performance way you still have to be polite about it to their face.

Yes, I think there are some ego issues going on when people take it as a power play.

BUT even if it absolutely was some weird power play, you still need to say at least a quick thank you - then next time make sure you say at the beginning "I am a person who prefers to pay for myself so thanks but no thanks." If it really bothers you that much.

Better still, just be normal and take turn about. I think that is possibly it actually: it makes people feel they are on the hook next time and they don't want to be. But again: once it has happened, thank you is in order.

First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

I've just noticed this was the title of the thread.

Which is obviously complete rubbish to start with, they didn't LET you pick up the tab, you sneaked away and picked up the tab secretly in some sort of weird power move.

It's massively condescending to do this in secret and not acknowledge it in any way, like you think they could never afford it, so you pay privately so as to not embarrass them.. I'd have felt really awkward thanking you to be honest, as I'd have though you were a pair of patronising idiots to do it in secret and then not say anything while waiting for us to acknowledge it first.

I presumed their son married a man?

It’s a typo

Well you sound like a good friend for the ILs.

And OP can take me out cos I'm fine about being paid for. I don't feel belittled or insulted, and I'll even do both a verbal and a written thank you note by post op!

Telling somebody to fuck off and calling them a moron isn’t vile? OK then.

Sorry, got the wrong end of the stick.

Just message your son.

“Bit awkward but need a quick word; we picked up the bill for everyone the other day at lunch, and it was a little uncomfortable as X’s parents just walked out without even asking about paying/offering to pay. We’re a wee bit worried that it will become expected so next time there’s a lunch, you’ll need to manage the bill, and we’ll pay our share. We’re happy treating you, as you’re the kids! But don’t really want to end up in a situation of always paying for your in laws and it’s a bit awkward for us to bring up as we don’t know them well.”

I always think it is much more elegant than waving a credit card about at the table. Although I think OP's DH did that too ...

People quietly paying the bill isn't "sneaky" it's lovely, and avoids the "bill dance" at the end, especially as in the OP's case and they are dithering about bringing it, then everyone is sitting round slightly awkwardly. No need to make a fuss, you say "That's very kind, thank you. Please let us treat you next time." I would be asking my son what had transpired though not start a thread on here.

Or just say nothing now and sit there without offering next time.

Yeah I think this is really strange and bizarre. Of course they should have thanked you.

I'm with you, OP.