First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Do you have “previous” for flashing the cash and expecting a big “oh my god thank you so much you are the best”?
I’m wondering if your son has given the impression that you like to show off and will foot the bill and so nobody asked?

It is very odd for them to not have even acknowledged who was paying, like they already knew it would be covered? As for not saying thank you, also very odd!

Hhmm, I’m on the fence with this one.

Yes, I would always offer to pay or offer to pay half etc in this situation.

And if somebody else did pay I would always thank them.

However, I feel you kind of took away their chance to say thank you by doing the sneaky pay thing.

Why make it awkward?

The sneaky pay can be excruciating. You have to be all “ohno, we can’t leave yet, we haven’t had the bill….waiter, could we have the bill please? Oh - oh, somebodies already paid the bill? Who? When? Oh. Oh, right ok. Oh, ok, well…thanks very much”

And all this is when people are getting up from the table, getting coats, getting ready to leave.

I’m not a fan.

Why wouldn’t you just pick up the tab when it came to the table?

Obviously I don’t know your in laws, maybe they are rude and have bad manners. But I certainly don’t. I have good manners, but would struggle in this situation of having the opportunity to thank someone being taken away.

I think it's rude of them not to have said thank you, but I also think it's condescending of you to sneak off and pay the bill. Maybe they felt if you were going to keep quiet they would too. I personally hate feeling indebted to people who do this, it definitely is a bit of a power play. My parents are often generous but will say upfront the meal is on them, we agree we'll pay the tip.

I dont disagree!

But would you mind as others have asked, do you think that they are a lot less money than you. You are coming across as comfortable in order to pay for half of the wedding, covering lunch etc. Or do you think that they are just tight?

Perhaps - but you would still say thank you!! I’d give my DSs a bollocking if they did not say thank you to someone who has paid for their meal.

What has happened to basic manners? How on earth do people just walk out of a restaurant without saying thank you to the bill payer?

Really rude of them.

But your son and daughter in law are no better.

You paid for half of their wedding?
Her parents never contributed at all?

I think your paying for your sons wedding is weird too.

Step back OP.
You are setting your son and DIL up to be entitled and rude.

None of this behaviour is normal.
Its spectacularly ill mannered.

I'd have a quiet word with your son before the next meal, unless you want this entitled expectant meanness to continue?

OP, I’m with you that their lack of thanks is incredibly rude.

I think that you are rude not to consider that maybe there is a misunderstanding. Or that they did contribute to the wedding in some way. your posts give the impression that you are better parents than your DS’s in-laws are.

you and I are unlikely to ever meet though, so I guess that my opinion of you doesn’t matter.

Oh God, I do wish that people would make everything clear beforehand about who is whose guest or whether you're having separate bills. At my grand old age, I have started making sure that everyone knows who's paying at the start, and then there is no awkwardness.

For example, a friend and her family invited me out for a meal around Christmas and it was quite expensive. When she invited me and I looked at the festive menu, in my reply I said something along the lines of "That's not too bad for an Xmas menu, I definitely have room in the budget for that!" Which was her cue to say "Don't worry - we're paying!" if she meant that I was her guest. (She didn't, which was fine.) And then at the restaurant, I told the waiter at the start that my bill was separate. Then I could order merrily away without any guilt and my own bill was brought to me at the end. Perfect, and no awkwardness.

If I invited someone out, I would make sure they knew it was my treat by inviting them as my guest. And I would say something like "Order what you want - don't be shy" at the start.

And if I am with one other person and I think we're both paying for ourselves, I say "Separate bills, please" at the start. That way you avoid the awkward bill dance at the end.

OP, your situation was confused by the fact that no one knew who was paying for who, or if each family was paying for themselves, at the start.

SORT IT OUT AT THE START SO THAT EVERYONE CAN RELAX!

That still doesn't explain why he did it in SECRET.

I think you and DH made it weird to be honest. Son most likely told them that you always pay when you go out, and because you didn't say you had paid, they didn't have a proper cue to thank you for paying.

Someone paying in secret is really weird behaviour, how are you supposed to acknowledge something you're not supposed to know about??

You sound more annoyed that you didn't get to do the silly little dance and lost the opportunity to announce to everyone that you had already paid, they probably know you better than you think and didn't want to entertain that little game.

Oh, take a day off, for heaven’s sake 🙄

Just make sure that if you are ever required to be in that position again, you tell SIL & DD
that you won’t be paying for everyone again beforehand. Events that you host need to specifically exclude these grubs, especially in your home.

If you’re with one other person why would you not just split the bill? This setting the scene shenanigans makes things really awkward when it’s 2 of you?

Unless she's running a restaurant from home, it's unlikely they'd be dodging a bill then.

Anyone with manners would have "done the dance", as a previous OP put it, but then thanked you.

Appalling bad manners.

(And I am assuming that, if they'd thanked your DH, he would have told you - else you wouldn't be posting here.)

Well now you know, don't you!
It really isn't necessary for the in-laws to meet each other very often, especially before there are any Grandchildren on the horizon. So I think you might need to learn to be a bit 'selfish' yourself, and you should leave the next 'meet up' in their hands, where they actually invite you to their place for a meal, or invite you to a restaurant of their choice. However, if my latter suggestion happens, it might be a good idea to have enough cash, or a credit card, with you 'just in case'... 🤭

You don't like people's responses but you paid in secret and there was no announcement that you paid so maybe they did feel awkward or may have forgotten.

But we'll never know if they intended to pay for themselves or even for everyone else, as you took that opportunity away from them. Also, even though you ridiculed it before, I know a few people who hate it when others pay their tabs/food bills.

I think they should have thanked you but your responses on here are sarky especially as you posted on aibu asking for responses and opinions. I hate it when people post and then disagree with anyone with a different opinion to them - it's like why post on this forum then!?

OK, so if you bought their daughter's wedding dress, they must not be very well off at all. Have you ever been to their house? Maybe they were embarrassed by your generosity over the meal in the moment. You might well get a thank-you note in the mail.

I’m also on the fence. My in laws are similar to yourself OP but as time has passed I’ve realised (and others around me!) that it isn’t done from a place of love or care but from a place of grandeur and control! They couldn’t care less about our individual needs or emotions but love to show up and splash the cash. It is an empty love that is only based on “showing” what they do for others instead of actually taking an “interest” in others.
Of course, I’m not saying this is how you are OP but I’m just saying how it could come across to others.

No offence, but that is seriously weird @Calliopespa!

I’d say the other couple lost their chance to “perform” by politely acknowledging having their bill paid.

Jesus.

Yeah, I’m out. Spectacularly offensive word choice.

I would expect the 'children' to pay in this situation
Maybe the other parents thought their child had paid and thanked them
That child thought their spouse had paid so didn't disagree?
I've walked out of a meal before presuming my partner had paid for us and the week after got told a relative had paid!

Charming.

She's explained it's a joke ( I thought it was obvious ) but she has cleared that up.

Why is paying for half of your son’s wedding strange? It’s 2026, not 1826.

My parents paid for half of my wedding, and DH’s parents paid for half. 🤷‍♀️