Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

@Daisymay1000 you sound like me when I was about 23/24. I look back at the grief I caused my ex and the female friends in his life at the time and feel mortified. My ex should’ve told me to fuck off tbh, and I’m so glad I spent some time single in my 30s to work on my control issues and self esteem. I would suggest you do the same as it’s no fun for either party to have to endure this dynamic.

If it was innocent, he wouldn't need to lie.

He’s a grown adult. Saying he can’t stay because a female is joining the group is Handmaids Tale level Primness imo. Should men and women never meet unless married or related? Have you considered total sex segregation… Afghanistan agrees with you.

He’s very comfortable telling you lies and he doesn’t respect you. That’s all you need to know about him and they are good reasons to end the relationship.

Untrue when OP clearly wouldn’t have let him go if she knew.

One of the bonuses about dumping someone is that all their annoying mates/family all disappear too, as if it's magic. Dump the liar, OP and let him and his mates all disappear from your life.

Why wasn’t OP invited? If I had a holiday with a mixed sex group of friends, my partner would be invited.

@Daisymay1000I would have waited to dump him when he got home. Now he’s got a free pass.

He only told the truth because he was getting tagged in to social media photos.

Lots of people here missing the point. He lied. End of.

My husband goes away with his five female best friends every year. I am never invited because it’s him and his best friends… not him, best friends and all our partners. It would change the vibe if everyone’s wives went when it’s meant to be a mates holiday.

Yes absolutely. If he thinks you’re controlling he should have ended the relationship. Lying about sharing a room with another woman on holiday is not something he’s doing because he’s so scared of your controlling reaction. He’s perfectly capable of giving you a hard time now you’ve found out, so he was obviously capable of doing that before he went if he thought there was nothing wrong with it.

Most women would not be happy with their partner sharing an apartment with another woman who has no boundaries. No matter what the “cool wives” on here say. And they’d be even less happy to discover that their partner had lied about doing so.

Yeah. But she wasn’t angry that he lied she was angry because a woman was there.

Hang on….. he described it as a ‘boys’ holiday. Which usually is a polite way of saying no partners.

Noooo just No. He's gaslighting u. He doesn't deserve you

He lied about the woman. The two are inseparably.

This will inevitably divide responses into 'Cool Wives' and 'Everyone Else'

I’d end it. He’s lied to his partner, he wouldn’t be ok with the reverse situation happening with the op, he’s not relationship material. Just move on.

How old are you? You sound very young. If you were 45 and had 3 teenage kids, this would be all sort of wrong. If you're both 18, then it's more normal.

As others said, it's the lying, not the fact it's a woman. Although, being honest, I wouldn't like it. I don't trust "female friends" as I've just had too many bad experiences and have been left for them in the past.

Regardless of his intentions, it is quite clear this was an established boundary in their relationship, which the partner chose to ignore and then lie about. I don't personally have any issue with mixed group holidays (I go on them myself often and have been the only woman there before), it's the lying/withholding the truth that is the issue. I agree that they seem mismatched and clearly have differing boundaries.

There's three men and one woman.

If she was going to sleep with one of them, why do you assume it would be your partner? I doubt he's the catch you think he is, frankly.

If he'd gone away with just her, then yes, I can see why you'd be miffed, but a mixed-sex group of people on holiday together is completely different. I wouldn't give a shit if my DP went away in a mixed group, and he wouldn't care if I went away in a mixed group either, because we don't live our lives in weird, sex-segregated compounds like something from a dystopian novel.

I think you use the term ‘cool wives’ to try and embarrass and shame those who disagree with you and imply their opinions are male-centric and not their own opinion based on their own experience of life as an adult woman with a mind and the ability to think for herself.

I am not a ‘cool wife’ I just don’t think other women’s vaginas are vortexes that suck unwilling husbands/partners into them. If she doesn’t trust him that’s a separate issue from going on holiday with a female friend.

Sometimes people lie when they fear the reaction of a controlling partner. And he didn't say she wasn't coming, he just drip fed it. And given OP's subsequent reaction, and her use of 'allow' regarding going on holiday, there is a decent chance this is the case. We don't know, but lying isn't always about having something to hide.

They are her mates not just other peoples boyfriends? You’ve said she’s in pictures on a beach in a bikini and out at dinner and partying. It’s not clear what’s so offensive about any of this on a holiday?

he clearly didn’t want to rock the boat when really he needed to make a choice between holidaying with his friend group or his relationship.

luckily you’ve made that choice for him. Not sure why he didn’t think he’d be found out.

you’ve stuck to your boundaries, thats all the matters.

Has OP said that?

Other questions: is there reason to be suspicious? Does the boyfriend have a romantic history with this friend? Is the friend overly flirty with the male friend group?

Lying is a red flag regardless.

I am unsure why you asked if you were being unreasonable as you obviously feel that you are not.

My OH going away with a mixed sex group would not concern me at all - but the lying about it would. Although I would also be asking myself why he felt the need to lie to me in the first place.

What about the LYING?! It's one thing going on a men's holiday which then suddenly and magically turns into a mixed holiday, but then it's the cover up. And that he won't let the OP do the same. It's so tedious, double standards in plain sight.