Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

I was actually agreeing with you until this.
You’re blaming her when it’s your partner that’s the liar.
Why does she have to be the one with boundaries?
Why can the men not say please don’t drape yourself on me for a photo?
You should be directing your ire at your lying partner.

He lied to you. That's the point. You were right to break up with him.

It was described a lads holiday and it’s 3 men and just her… so I would definitely say she joined a lads holiday!

like I say I don’t like this woman as she has no boundaries. She over steps and doesn’t care about girls at all. She isn’t respectful one bit and he is fully aware I don’t like her for this reason. A friendship I’m fine with, but a girl who acts the way she does I am totally not fine with.

also as I mentioned there is no way on gods green earth he would be ok with me doing this so I’m furious the way I had to find out from her story and he fully lied to me, even to elaborate on the like making up a whole story about how she mentioned in the group chat she might fly out and meet them but it wasn’t confirmed so don’t worry etc. it’s disgusting I’m so angry the more I think about it. And the gaslighting like it’s my fault I wasn’t told.

Because I’m explaining the reason I don’t like her?

Because you said she had no boundaries. Perhaps your lying partner should develop some boundaries himself and not have woman draped over him when he has a partner. She’s not the one lying - he is.

He’s a liar. He needs to stay dumped for that reason, regardless of who the woman may or may not be to him. Liars are not safe people to give your heart to. It’s that simple.

Because very clearly OP would have kicked off and forbidden him from going had she known this was a mixed group trip, rather than a boys trip. Neither of them are covering themselves in glory here.

He shouldn't have lied, but equally he should have felt able to say that it was a mixed group without fear of repercussions.

I'm amazed at people on here.

It's not ok to lie to your partner just because you know they won't like you doing what you want to do. You tell them what you want to do and then discuss their feelings like an adult.

Blatantly lying is not ok in a relationship, it just undermines everything and leads to distrust and major issues.

You don't "have" to lie.

You choose to lie in order to get your own way while avoiding consequences you know you won't like.

The only consequences of him telling the truth here would be that his girlfriend would likely break up with him. and/or that he'd have to choose not to go on holiday to avoid his girlfriend breaking up with him.

Whether the girlfriend would be reasonable or unreasonable to break up with him in your or my opinion is neither here nor there. It is her choice who she wants to be or not be with and for whatever reason.

He looked at those options and thought that the best option was instead to deceive his girlfriend so that she wouldn't have all the information to make that decision and he could do what he wanted anyway.

Basically, let's remove all informed choice from her so that I get what I want on all fronts.

Is that really how you conduct your own life and condone others conducting theirs? Lie to people so they do what you want them to do and not what they would choose to do?

She didn't join a lads holiday. It was always a mixed group holiday. Your ex lied to you about that.

Tbf you haven't said anything about her to explain your dislike other than that she doesn't have "boundaries" - but if you think going on holiday with friends of the opposite sex, going out in evening, wearing a bikini (I imagine in an appropriate location, assuming they're not in Norway) is crossing boundaries then I don't think that's fair. If she's actually done something wrong to make you dislike her then fair enough.

But as others have said, it's best you broke up now. You obviously don't like his friend/s and he lied to you. Neither would work in the long term.

Id have nothing to do with him again. He has no respect and you are a mug if you stay with him.

So basically it wasn't a lads holiday. He just didn't want you to know that. Wouldn't he wanted you to go along?

The lying would bother me but not the fact that she's there.

If it's a mixed-sex holiday I don't get why partners would be excluded anyway.

@Daisymay1000
Femail "friend" indeed!
Whilst making it sound that you're so controlling and it's all somehow your fault
All I'm going to say is how she got him
He'll leave her

were you not bothered that he wanted to be friends with a woman like this??

Sounds like he was in a lose lose position though.

If he'd told OP in advance that it was 3 men and 1 woman she would have disapproved

So OP is basically saying that her partner is not "Allowed" to go away with a mixed sex group.

I had a partner who used to refuse to let me go out if he thought it might involve mixing with other men. Yes, I lied to him as I wasn't doing anything he could object to and it was none of his business. And when I wised up to his controlling nature, I dumped him. Was I the one in the wrong for lying?

I guess it's the fact he wasn't honest about it. It does make it look sus. But ultimately going on holiday in a group where a couple of the friends happen to be the opposite sex shouldn't be a deal-breaker if you trust him. The thing is I wouldn't mind the concept of her being there. So it would boil down to if I thought he was shagging her or he didn't tell me because he thought I'd suspect him. But neither of those is a great outcome really.

Ofcourse it's not ok! Rightly so you should bin him. Even if it was 'innocent' (which I highly doubt, by the way) he has actively lied and deceived you. He made a conscious choice to do something he knew you wouldn't like and would hurt you, yet he still did it anyway.

Because partners aren't the same as friends? Two or three sets of partners, maybe ok but dynamic can be off. A couple and a pair of single friends, most of the time won't work well. It's just not the same as four friends.
In any event irrelevant here, the fact this female friend was going was even less reason that ex would have invited OP as OP hates the female friend (and possibly vice versa)

It’s the lie that would bother me tbh. Her being there isn’t an issue if she has her own room. The lies makes it sound like he has something to hide. As adults though we are allowed friends of the opposite gender.

No, it is not how I conduct my life nor do I condone it, I just said I could see why he would do it and I think the outcome is the correct one. i don't think they should be together, ultimately because there is no trust there. They are both entitled to live their lives as they please and if that makes them incompatible then so be it.

You're both being unreasonable: you for assuming there's something automatically inappropriate about your DP going away with a mixed group and him for (i) lying to you very deliberately (ii) also holding this view re. you going away in groups (iii) having double standards in thinking this doesn't apply to him. It sounds as if the relationship has run its course as you won't be able to trust a word he says.

i wouldn’t have a problem with a female being there. I would have a problem with the lying about it.

The lying would be enough for me to send him packing.
If he lies, it tells me there are reasons so no.

Going away with several friends, including a female? I would also send my boyfriend packing if he was trying to forbid me to have male friends.

Sharing a hotel room with another man? OBVIOUSLY not ok. Being around other men? Come on, I can't put up with controlling partners like that.