Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

YANBU on the lying front - it was underhand and for that yes your right.

However to imply that friends who are of the opposite sex sharing an apartment with adequate rooms so everyone has their own is impossible/the issue you are being unreasonable on.

I wouldn't have a issue on my DH going on a mixed sex holiday with friends with adequate room numbers but it would be discussed and explained and my DH has done this on activity holidays before.

Hmm I don't think lying is ever ok but maybe that's just me.

If I was going on a girls' trip and knew my partner didn't want a specific man there, and I arranged for that man to come anyway (or had knowledge he would be coming) and I hid that and then acted as though he 'randomly' joined midway through the trip, I think that would constitute pretty poor morals on my part. It is a lie of omission.

If I felt my partner was controlling and unreasonable in not wanting the man to come on the holiday, and I really wanted the man to come and saw no issue in him doing so, I would end the relationship. I think lying would just be the beginning of the end, as demonstrated in this post.

Everyone has different boundaries and some people obviously perceive OP's to be unreasonable, but at the end of the day if you cannot respect a person's boundaries you should not be in a relationship with them. It doesn't make it okay to lie imo.

Absolutely this. Once again on MN, feeling sad for a lot of the women posting on here who clearly think his behaviour was acceptable.

Yes, you're better apart. He misrepresented his holiday as men only and has lied about a woman being there because he knows you have different boundaries to him.
Rather than do the decent thing and stand his ground about the women friend, so you could make an informed choice on whether that was something you would tolerate, and if you were too 'controlling' spilt up with you, he's taken the sneaky cowards way. He's weak, deceitful and not to be trusted.

Her going on holiday with them is ok. Him not telling you she will be joining them is not ok. He didn’t even just not tell you he made up a lie that she might be joining whilst knowing full well she was there, so for that yes he deserves to be dumped

@Daisymay1000 I've just read all your replies and apologies if I've missed this, but what would your reaction have been if he told you she was coming in advance? Would you have stopped him from going? Given him an ultimatum?

Do you recognise the guys in the photos? Is it actually a “lads” holiday or just him and her?

Its not the female friend being part of this holiday that is the main issue,its that your partner lied to you about it and made you feel crazy for understanding that he deceived you...thats gaslighting.

It's the lying 🤥 Why did he feel the need to lie?

Was I? Thanks for letting me know what o was angry at. im pretty sure im angry how i found out mostly. But ok

Honestly I’m not sure. Me and this girl don’t really get along. But I would have probably of made an agreement such as not sharing a room or could him and his friend possibly book somewhere else to stay so they aren’t sharing an apartment? As I say there are multiple sly things she’s done as to why I don’t like her.

So you’d have been upset and wouldn’t have let him stay in the apartment with his friends. Well there you go that’s why he lied.

He didn't just tell one lie he made up a huge story around her presence knowing @Daisymay1000 would find out the other woman was there.

Posters can dispute how the other woman has been described by OP but her suggestion that the woman doesn't respect other people's relationship is clearly an issue. OPs partner deliberately lied knowing the history so her response is entirely on him .
Are the other 2 males on holiday in relationships and if so how are their partners reacting?

I understand your issue is the lying and I don’t think you are wrong to have broken up with him. It’s the level of disrespect for you.

I have a male friend that I have gone on holiday with. He is married. His wife knows he is away with me and I have met her.

It is a holiday around our shared hobby - which his wife does not share.

He has certainly never seen me in a bikini and never will. I would be embarrassed as would he. There are no sunny beaches involved.

He talks about his wife lovingly and with respect and sounds absolutely nothing like your partner at all.

That is the difference.

The problem is the lying - that is so disrespectful to OP

I agree on this though. When he decides that he has to lie the relationship is over either way.

There are not adequate rooms. There are 2 bedrooms and 5 of them staying so the dynamics are what worries me also tbh. When he was FaceTiming me he has pulled his mattress into the living room due to friend 1 snoring. So she’s either staying with snorer which I doubt, in the other friends bedroom. Or in the front room with my partner either way I doubt il get the truth anyway!

If you can’t tell your partner the truth, it’s a big red flag for the relationship. Lying isn’t the answer to that.

This is the thing. Even down to the other day she posted a quote thing on insta such as girls be hating on me for being friends with their men i ain’t ever claimed to be a girls girl even when he asshole to you that’s still my bro.. among them lines! I can’t remember the exact wording. Another one was I had to miss a fight once (he’s a boxer) as I was fresh from having a miscarriage. That night I was sent pics from concerned people cos this girl had literally jumped in the ring with him and was all over him getting in the pics.. something I never even did! Even as his partner! She was clearly a lot in other people’s eyes too as they felt to send me pics from the live stream and warn me. I looked at her story that night too and she’s posting him constantly and kissing him on the cheek etc. whilst I was lay at home 2 days after miscarriage still bleeding! She just lacks boundaries and respect of any sort.

I’m sorry your partner lied to you, that’s absolutely not on!

It is possible for mixed sex friendship groups to innocently go away together. I’ve done it myself, 6 women and one man. All of us have DH and DW, however we were all open with our other halves about who was going prior to booking, and we made sure the room set up worked - females shared, male had a bedroom and bathroom to himself.

I wouldn’t be happy about the lies if I was in your shoes.

Agree with this. The problem is the lying, not the fact that a woman is with a group of friends who all happen to be male.

He’s lied for one reason or another. None of that is a symptom of a healthy and happy relationship. Either, you are controlling and therefore it is best you separate for both of your sakes. Or, he’s a lying bastard and in any case that’s also not a good person to have in your life. So, all in all, I’d say you made the right decision.

No she doesnt sound very nice but your partner could have said no to pictures told her to not kiss his cheek etc. But he didnt. I think they are both dicks.

He lied. Nothing more to really dig into. Deceit isn't needed in a relationship. Especially when it's clearly as calculated as him "soft landing" the additional guest that's already there. YANBU.

Yeah this.
I have lied, when I had a controlling partner.
To be clear, nothing was untoward, so I didn't see why I should avoid spending time in the presence of other men.
He didn't like me hanging out with other men though, so it was easier to lie.
I strongly disagree with whoever said "if there's nothing going on, there's no need to lie".
There was nothing going on in my case but I lied because my partner was unreasonably controlling.
Yes, I could have left. Should have. Did, in the end.