Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

Depending on who the female friend was, I wouldn’t mind, but I would strongly object to the lying about it and concealing it. That’s a bright red flag.

A woman being a member of the friend group and staying in the apartment is a non issue. Him lying about it is though.

Did you miss the part where he lied? If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have done that. The 'low standards' are in relation to the lying not having friendships with people of the opposite sex.

My personal opinion:

Women are fully capable of being platonic friends with men. Men can be great company for friendships.
However, in my experience, across many men and many platonic friendships: the men are always sort of hoping for a shag. They'll accept being mates but given half a chance, they'd like it to progress to another level.
Then when it gets awkward, they're not always the super nice guys you thought they were. Not worth the hassle.

OP: taking the woman out of the equation altogether - he's a liar. To the bin with him.

Why did he lie?
Because he wanted to go but knew you wouldn’t be happy and his feelings trump yours
Is it reasonable to not want your partner to go away with another woman? It depends on the circumstances, the history of the relationship and your relationship.
Its totally reasonable to end the relationship due to hm lying to you.

Wasn’t the question. Also I’m aware of our ages. But thanks…?

I don’t believe she will be having sex with him that wasn’t mentioned. I don’t agree with the fact he lied about it to me and kept it from me telling me it was a boys holiday when I know for a fact he wouldn’t like it. I don’t agree with the fact I found out on her story seeing my partner lay on a beach in pictures with a female in a bikini, out having meals and partying together. For me it’s just extremely weird and disrespectful. I don’t get why any girl would want to be alone on a lads holiday and staying in their apartment. Taking pictures with other peoples partners half naked and posting them on her story. It’s half the reason I’m not fond of this girl she doesn’t have any boundaries.

For me though it isn’t ok to do something you know will cause an issue and then lie about it. That’s going to create an even bigger issue. If something is going to cause an issue then don’t do it or have a discussion prior. To find out off another woman’s stories she’s on holiday with my partner by seeing them on a beach is absolutely vile.

I didn't but I can see why he would have to lie. OP would have never been OK with his friend joining this group holiday so his options were not to go or go but not tell OP and hope for the best. I really don't think he is hooking up with this woman, there is a whole group of them staying in the same apartment.

Mixed holidays: fine
Lying: not fine

But why? Just because she has a vagina? You said yourself you don't think they are doing anything sexual or romantic and there are other people there who are presumably also not sleeping with this friend who happens to be a woman.

I do agree that I wouldn't like the lies either, but you would have been angry either way.

I can't speak for op but if that were the case perhaps she would have been correct to feel that way, since he has instead chosen to just do what he wants and lie to her. Lying to a partner is never ok. Those were not his only options - if he felt so strongly about this and felt op was unreasonable he could have ended the relationship. Instead he chose to lie to and disrespect her.

He lied for a reason. He wanted to hide the fact she was going / there until it was too late for you to have a conversation about it.

This is sad he probably didn’t tell
you because of this reaction

I guess he didn't feel the need to end the relationship because he wasn't going to actually cheat on OP. He was just going on a group holiday. I think they are just so far apart regarding what they think is OK, same as many of us are on this thread, that there is no hope for the relationship anyway. It wouldn't have been right of OP to tell him he's not allowed to go on holiday with his friends, the same as it wasn't right of him to lie about it.

I'd be fine with the female friend. I would not be fine with the lies.

Do you live with him? I thought people only used the term partner when they have shared home, finances etc. it's ok if this isn't the case but if he's just a boyfriend (you see him regularly but don't live together) then at least it will be easier to dump him . Hope that's the case for you OP!

I am often 'the female friend' who goes along with the lads and stays in the apartment (yes, it's smelly, yes it's stupid, no that doesn't change with age). However it's always known that I'm coming and in the plans shared with other halves. The issue is the lies. Omitting that she's coming at all, then when clocking that photos are being taken saying that she might be flying in to claim that the photos were taken then. I do wonder whether how you would react if you did know she was coming has steered his behaviour. But we're all entitled to our boundaries.

My husband has female friends and I’m fine with it, I actually really like them - but if he lied like this? No, I would be suspicious and furious. I will say though his female friends are not his type and I don’t know how I’d feel if he suddenly became pals with a woman who was his type.

You are not overreacting and do not let him or any of the cool wives convince you that you are.

As in so many relationship issues - the crux of the problem is not the "deed" but the lying about it.
If he knew that you were going to be unhappy that the female friend was going, then he should have told you before he went away and got it over with not tried lying in a world where everyone puts their holiday on social media from "pints at the airport" through "hot dog legs" and "beach at sunset" to "taking off from XXX we had a great time"...

It's not about having a vagina. It's about having a partner who lies.

If nothing to hide then why lie about it?

Had he been honest from the start and said she was going at the beginning rather than lie about it, I wouldn’t especially have an issue with a mixed group sharing accommodation.
The fact that he’s lied twice about it would be what is the dealbreaker for me. I’d ask why he felt the need to lie and, to me, it’s what makes it suspicious.

I think it’s two separate issues really.

i don’t think it’s that big of a deal if she’s friends with the friends group and they spend time together regularly anyway to be on the holiday.

But I think it’s completely unacceptable of him to lie about it to you. It doesn’t matter if he knew you wouldn’t be happy, the lying is what would upset me.

"I don’t get why any girl would want to be alone on a lads holiday and staying in their apartment."

It's not a lads' holiday though is it? It's friends on holiday. Is what you're saying that you can't imagine why any women are friends with any men? Or are your exes friends particularly shit so you can't imagine a woman wanting to me friends with them?

Him lying to you is an issue although it's pretty obvious he did so because you hate this woman and wouldn't have let him go. You're both better off breaking up, anyway.