Refusing to drive on a motorway/long distance in a Fiat 500?

[CheeseSandwich1]

What the title says really!

DC’s Dad and I aren’t together. He moved 30 minutes away and now lives in the countryside.
He expects me to drive to his new home but it’s very hilly and is in the arse end of nowhere, I really don’t feel comfortable driving there in my small car. For reference his own Mum also won’t drive there in her small car.

I also really don’t like motorway driving in my car as I feel nervous as it’s so small and I have to put my youngest in the front seat rear facing. This means anywhere the children need to go that includes motorway driving DC’s Dad has to take them.

I can’t afford to upgrade my car at the moment.

DC’s Dad thinks I’m being unreasonable about driving but he has a huge car (I would feel safe if I had his car as the children are all in proper car seats in the middle of back of the car).

AIBU?

If your ex lives in the middle of nowhere and is 30 minutes away, surely the motorway section of the journey is minimal?

I always feel motorways are safer anyway, given that you don't have any junctions to deal with, or people coming out of side roads - let alone cyclists and pedestrians.

I’m so sorry to hear about your RTC and I’m really glad you’ve got things back on track.

Your words are really kind! I’m just angry at the world right now x

Just so you know:
In many cases, paying parents who are company directors may take a minimal salary and receive the bulk of their earnings as large dividends. If a receiving parent believes income is purposely being controlled or diverted to reduce maintenance payments, they can apply for a "diversion of income" variation.
If the CMS agrees with this application, they can:
Add retained or diverted profits to the paying parent’s assessment.
Use the Financial Investigations Unit (FIU) to investigate complex cases and uncover hidden or diverted funds.
How to Apply
Who Can Apply: Either the receiving parent or the paying parent can initiate a variation. 1]
When: You can ask for a variation at any time—either when you first apply for child maintenance or after an amount has already been calculated.
Where to Apply: You can apply online via the Child Maintenance Service portal or over the phone by calling tel:0800 171 2345 0800 171 2345

Good luck 🍀

If he was genuinely struggling I wouldn’t be so bothered.

BUT. He’s swanning around in his big new car and his big new house whilst he knows how much I’m struggling. To make it clear I’m not asking for a large luxury car. A bigger secondhand Fiat or something similar would do me and DC absolutely fine and I’d put whatever I got for my car to it.

Oh wow I didn’t realise there were Fiat 500s in the US! I never saw one when I lived there, I bet they got lots of attention!

I will look into this.

He’s constantly saying he’s ‘not getting the work in’ but he’s also always in new designer clothes and going somewhere very nice so it all doesn’t add up if I’m honest.

If it makes you feel any better, I had someone drive into the back of me when in a fiat 500. I stopped at a pelican turning red, he didnt even brake, i was shunted forwards a few feet. He had a big car whose bonnet got dented but I couldn't believe it when I got out to look at my rear as there wasn't a scratch on the fiat despite how hard I'd been shunted.

That does make me feel better! Thank you x

Do you take everything that literally?

Obviously a small car has some substance, or you'd see the drivers legs and body through the thin air at the front.

I still wouldn't regularly drive a Fiat 500 over 30. Particularly not for an ex who hs moved away.

Why is OP getting such a hard time?! Have you seen the size of a fiat 500 car bonnet? A crash would kill whoever is in the front much more easily than a bigger car. It is for city driving. I would not put my child in the front of one and travel at high speeds. The man wants his children transported? He pays for them to be transported safely

He’s your ex. It’s not his responsibility to buy you a car, whether you believe he has a moral obligation to do so or not.

It’s natural to feel frustrated and angry after a break up, particularly if you feel hard done by. But your attitude will not benefit your kids at all and it’s not appropriate to be sitting crying every day when you have young kids at home. I mean this in the kindest way positive but you need to get a grip of yourself, of your emotions, and take control of your own life. You have not wasted your “best years” on him unless you allow yourself to drown in self pity until the end of your days.

Make your own life better, without him, and feel the satisfaction when you do.

Hang on. This has the potential to be used against OP.

The older DC starts school in September and it sounds like he will have to be driven there because they're registered at the father's address (by OP's choice). OP, absolutely do not do anything that could be remotely construed as a threat not to drive your child to school on days they're with you. That is something that can be used against you in court.

You could tell him that he will need to come pick up for any of his custody days but the problem is that he could do the same thing once they're with him. Even if he doesn't your non-cooperation may not come off well if he used it in court. Consider proposing a compromise - ignore all the feelings about what he deserves and don't do anything that could end up not being in your best interests.

Just initiate the variation and let CMS do the job.
his fancy clothes and trips might all be credit cards etc funded, you never know.
Honestly, it’s worth letting CMS look into it, if he’s hiding behind dividends they’ll soon find out and recalculate his payments.
Why did you have to go through cms in first place?

One thing being safer doesn't make the other thing unsafe. There will be cars safer than the defender, but that doesn't make the Defender unsafe and your Fiat is also safe.

I doubt it's your intention, but you are letting your anxiety affect your DC's lives. Look up ways to challenge your anxieties or ask your GP for help.

Hills and Motorways shouldn't not be no go areas for you and your kids. But if your DH is the one who's moved, he can pick the kids up and drop them off, he shouldn't get to push that on you.

I live rural - very rural

My first car when I moved here and had to learn to drive was a 1 litre corsa, the pain of that was it took about 5 mins to get to 70 on the motorway , but then to add to the fun, being a new driver I was governed at 45mph - great entering a motorway - NOT

But great for rural driving, when I say rural I mean roads with no street lights or white lines and having to back up to allow oncoming traffic to get by and pray you dont meet a tractor on some roads

Ive driven a few cars since then, one my my fav was a smart car - a roadster - my hairdryer had more power. So small and light, the local farmers would think it great fun to lift it and hide it when I was at work

I also used to drive the 150 mile round trip to lift my grandson to have him for three nights from 3 months old, whilst I was still on my R plates - ie governed to 45mph on the motorway

I was actually actively looking a 500 for my first car that I had the choice to buy , but settled with a mini and have been in minis since

1.2 isn’t a tiny car and 11 years old is fine for a car with less than 50k that hasn’t been driven for 6 years.
Him Having a big car doesn’t make your car less safe, in fact it seems OTT for home to have an 8 seater when he only has two small kids.
He should be doing one way tho.

You're not being unreasonable. It's completely understandable that you don't feel confident on the motorway.

Ignore the pp who like to feel superior to anyone who admits to finding some aspects of driving tricky.

Please don’t. She’s definitely safer in the front but rear facing.

You have a car that you don't feel confident driving, regardless of everything else that's unpleasant, but it's something you can fairly easily do something about. Book a couple of refresher driving lessons, explaining what you want to work on. If you're concerned about safety it might be worth having one lesson with an advanced driving instructor that focuses specifically on safety on motorways. It's surprisingly affordable - I know, because I looked into it very recently myself. I hadn't driven for months, after driving very little for several years and had to get a hire car for a trip to rural Scotland. The hire car was much bigger than I was expecting and full of gizmos. Although I went for a practice drive to get used to it before my long trip, I was more nervous than I've ever been behind the wheel when I set off. It was fine, but it was only after several trips that I regained my confidence and I've vowed that when I buy a 'new' car (hopefully soon) I'm going to book a couple of lessons with an advanced driving instructor, just for my own peace of mind.

You should have a couple of lessons to rebuild your confidence for your own sake. You will have more independence if you feel confident driving anywhere in the car you've got - it gives you so much more freedom and security.

Airbag is turned off if you have a child seat in the front aren’t they?

30 minutes is no time at all, and a route being hilly and rural is no reason not to travel. That is just silly. If you aren't confident driving, you need to practice more, not drive less. Think of all the things your dcs will miss out on because you won't take them.

I can perhaps understand not wanting to drive on motorways in a small car in rush hour, but you can choose a quiet time, early on a weekend etc.

YABU

With all due respect, I think the common denominator is your dad, rather than the motorway.

I completely get where you’re coming from here OP. Going through similar myself

definitely. I know for sure that my DH would always ensure our daughter was in as safe a vehicle as possible. And certainly not blow the price of three decent cars on one monster for himself.

is it possible to get a more compact but still rear facing car seat to fit in the back? That would be cheaper than a new car. Can you do the switch over at the school, since its halfway? And reduce the driving for you that way?