Refusing to drive on a motorway/long distance in a Fiat 500?

[CheeseSandwich1]

What the title says really!

DC’s Dad and I aren’t together. He moved 30 minutes away and now lives in the countryside.
He expects me to drive to his new home but it’s very hilly and is in the arse end of nowhere, I really don’t feel comfortable driving there in my small car. For reference his own Mum also won’t drive there in her small car.

I also really don’t like motorway driving in my car as I feel nervous as it’s so small and I have to put my youngest in the front seat rear facing. This means anywhere the children need to go that includes motorway driving DC’s Dad has to take them.

I can’t afford to upgrade my car at the moment.

DC’s Dad thinks I’m being unreasonable about driving but he has a huge car (I would feel safe if I had his car as the children are all in proper car seats in the middle of back of the car).

AIBU?

My guess is when you drive your small car on the motorway and it feels uncomfortably small that feeling brings out all of your anger at your ex and worries about the future, and that makes the driving experience feel unmanageable. Instead of being a bit anxious wishing you had a bigger auto you're feeling an overwhelming amount of anger and hurt and fear... those feelings are understandable, but they're not actually about the car and if you let them they'll interfere with your ability to deal with the driving.

Your ex moved only 30 minutes away and it's close enough for you to choose to use his new address for school registration; the reality is that a court would likely instruct the driving for handovers to be split 50/50 and for each of you to do the school runs and other transport on your own days. You can try to negotiate more, but the unfortunate reality is that you probably can't make him do it and you're going to need to find a way to manage some of the driving yourself even if it's uncomfortable and then work towards a buying a different car. Can you look into what rear-facing seat might fit in your car and ask him to purchase that for your DC? And could you negotiate more support with child-related expenses for a set period of time (ex. him paying more for childcare, him assisting with rent, etc) so you can build some savings? He doesn't sound like a great bloke but he still may be more receptive to that than asking him to buy you a car.

I CAN’T AFFORD TO LIVE SOMEWHERE NICE! I unfortunately can’t magic money out of nowhere.

If I’m looked into I really don’t care. I’m not ruining my child’s education because I was left and I’m struggling financially. No decent parent would.

Can you really not get a rear facing seat to go in the back? We've got a joie spin in my DH car and our 4 year old is still in it.

If there's two isofix points in the back, it may just be a case of getting the correct car seat/s to fit? Ex should be paying towards that sot of thing anyway!

You're going to have to think of something if you are going to be doing the school run where he lives every day!

I drive any car anywhere, but I understand what you're saying @CheeseSandwich1, it's the diff in size compared to trucks and other large vehicles and of course, if you have an accident with a bigger vehicle, the assumption is the smaller vehicle takes the worst of the impact

It's simple, your DH needs to collect the DCs. You should not be expected to make a journey you don't feel happy to make.

I'm of the opinion that the Fiat 500 is a genuinely horrible car, but I have no doubt whatsoever that it's safe and entirely suitable for just about any journey on the UK's road network.

You’re right. It all just feels SO overwhelming.

Ex won’t give me a penny and I don’t think he ever will. I’ll get back on my feet. I’m just upset and angry and hurt that I spend the best years of my life with a knobhead who just left and tossed me aside.

You said ‘there’s nothing to protect you from a crash’, ….sure bigger cars probably protect you more but my small one still saved my life.

the article doesn’t say ‘don’t drive small cars because you will have zero protection’

I didn’t say you have to Iive somewhere nice! I’m confused as to how you can live there but not go to schools there. I hope your dc don’t lose their school place due to lies, as that would be even more upheaval for them.

I’m asking why you’ve have to drive to your ex’s house, in order to try and help work out a solution/wording for you ex/your rights etc.

Thirty minutes isn’t far. Assuming it’s just rural rather than completely unmade roads at his end, then your car will be fine and perfectly safe. As pp have pointed out, as a license holder you should be able to handle motorway and rural driving. If you can’t, take lessons to build your confidence. It’ll widen your horizons beyond these trips. Good luck OP!

The car is fine for 30min journey. But you don’t need to drive if you feel unsafe just sell the car and buy a bigger older car for the same price.
as far as not affording anything, you need to get out the mindset that you need your exs owes you money. Of course he should be providing but you can’t rely on anyone but yourself.
start be getting a good schedule for the kids get into training/apprenticeship/job with career opportunities and work hard for your future.

You seriously shouldn’t be driving, what if you take a wrong turn one day and end up on the motorway. You would be a danger to other road users.

if you don’t feel safe is the car even roadworthy.

maybe some lessons for confidence or something but the size of your car should not be the excuse of why you can’t do these things

I know the landlord and it’s all I could afford. The local school is actually a faith school but it’s not the same faith as we are. My child would literally be one of maybe 2-3 that aren’t of that faith, it wouldn’t be appropriate.

The other schools are all ofsted rated ‘needs improvement’ yet the school they’re actually going to is rated ‘outstanding’.

AI might be helpful, and there is some YouTube review of car seats that are most suitable for a Fiat… good luck!

I was absolutely fine in my larger car. If I woke up with a larger car I’d drive everywhere!

Can you not trade your car in for another one ?

It’s worth about 2k, so not really! Maybe I’ll just refuse to drive until ex pulls his finger out his arse

I don't blame you. I'm sorry he turned out the be such an arsehole.

The overwhelming feelings are normal, but try to spot when you're actually feeling the "big shite feelings" and put those a bit to the side so they don't get in the way of tackling individual problems or lead you to unconsciously magnify them and reject any potential solutions. Magnifying or getting stuck in your struggle isn't going to change him or hurt him, it will only make things harder on you and your DC.

Figure out how to tackle the school runs and other transport on your days, even if it feels scary and non-ideal in your current car. Ask him to buy your DC (phrase it that way) a specific car seat since the other was purchased for the prior car and doesn't fit in this one. If he refuses just silently remind yourself he's an arse and move on to figuring out another short-term solution.

If his house is near the school but the roads in between are particularly awful then offer to make the school your handover point when its your turn to drive. If he refuses that consider whether you're willing to offer to meet at the school for every handover - that would mean more motorway driving but none of the back roads.

CM can theoretically be challenged if their lifestyle is clearly inconsistent with the income they report. Keep track of any info you have about where he moved, the car purchase, etc and consider talking to women's aide.

A 30 minute drive really isn’t far.
I have never driven on the motorway either, and even avoid dual carriage ways but I do think it’s fair enough you do your share of the journey, it’s not like he’s moved 4 hours away.
If it were the other way round would you say it was unreasonable, you do drive, you have a car and so it’s not really a hardship to do the drive, just something you’d prefer not to do.

Ok. Did you visit the schools? Talk to staff, pupils, parents? Schools needing improvement aren’t necessarily bad schools, and outstanding aren’t necessarily good schools. Your dc won’t have any friends to socialise with from school as you live so far apart from them - that may hit them hard.

But, again, why do you have to drive your dc to your ex’s house? Is it to get your dc to school or for his access arrangements?

Edited - posted too soon.
You picked the school knowing the route and your car. If you can't do it you need to rethink one of these things. Your ex isn't going to sort you out a new car.

if the kids are using his address how often will they stay? If you can’t drive the school route for drop off and pick up you could end up in a custody battle

I'm sorry that your ex has left you in financial difficulties @CheeseSandwich1 and I can see why you feel angry that it's him that's moved but you being inconvenienced.
But honestly, a modern Fiat 500 is not a ridiculously small car and I think most people would consider 30 minutes local driving. I've never had a commute less than that.
I don't doubt that a bigger car would be more comfortable and convenient but a Fiat 500 is a perfectly adequate car for motorway driving. My DH has a classic car that was considered a luxury executive saloon in its day, and yes, it's very spacious, but I bet your Fiat would perform better in a crash - size isn't everything, your car will have far better safety features and passed much more rigorous tests.
It's understandable that you'd like a bigger car,and yes, a large modern car would be better in a variety of ways but unfortunately it doesn't sound like that's an option for you right now. For your own, and your children's benefit I think you need to try to overcome these worries. I know it's not always easy as I was seriously injured in an RTC a few years ago and was extremely anxious about driving again. And I completely get why you'd feel happier in a bigger car. But remember that just because there are bigger, better, more expensive cars on the road it doesn't mean yours is awful and dangerous. Could you get a couple of own car motorway driving lessons with an instructor? Or failing that, get a supportive friend to sit in with you whilst the kids are with their Dad and get your confidence up. I found having a neutral person in with me made a big difference when I was getting back to driving.
Try to channel your anger into positive change. Don't let what has happened continue to control your life. Hopefully you will be able to get a bigger car in due course but right now you do have one that is adequate for what you need, and being independently mobile makes life so much better - for you as well as your children. I know it's a different kind of crap, but after my accident I never thought I was going to get my life back on track again but eventually I thought I am not letting this determine the rest of my life and started to take back control for myself. Driving again and telling myself that yes, I could go where I wanted, when I wanted was a massive step in the right direction. I know your situation is different but there are parallels. Everything that has happened must have dented your self confidence. But you can do it, you aren't reliant on him.

You may feel she's safer in the back in a front facing seat that in a rear facing seat in the front. Whether you're right, of course, is another matter. If your car has airbags, I suspect he's pretty safe in the front.

I visited lots of schools. I should have made in clear that the school is only 15-20 mins door to door from me. Then ex’s is around 15 mins on top!

I’m going to make sure we’re in a better area when DC actually start properly socialising outside of play areas etc.

Having read all your posts yes, this is the way. He deserves it, whether you are OK with the motorway or not.

I might also be inclined to tell him that the car is running rough/on its last legs etc so you're only using it for short and essential trips.