Refusing to drive on a motorway/long distance in a Fiat 500?

[CheeseSandwich1]

What the title says really!

DC’s Dad and I aren’t together. He moved 30 minutes away and now lives in the countryside.
He expects me to drive to his new home but it’s very hilly and is in the arse end of nowhere, I really don’t feel comfortable driving there in my small car. For reference his own Mum also won’t drive there in her small car.

I also really don’t like motorway driving in my car as I feel nervous as it’s so small and I have to put my youngest in the front seat rear facing. This means anywhere the children need to go that includes motorway driving DC’s Dad has to take them.

I can’t afford to upgrade my car at the moment.

DC’s Dad thinks I’m being unreasonable about driving but he has a huge car (I would feel safe if I had his car as the children are all in proper car seats in the middle of back of the car).

AIBU?

Depends where you live surely?!

Loads of people I know never need to drive those types of roads due to living in a city.

People are missing the point because they want to show what superior drivers they are…

He chose to move away so he does pick ups and drop offs!

Honestly just do a bit of this. What is your arrangement for child care? Could you drop them to school and then he picks them up and then refuse to collect them from his? Or just work yourself up to drop them off and then don't pick them up.
I know you are a good mum and don't want to impact the kids but maybe you need to act a bit meaner so he understands he's being a dick

There’s no sympathy for nervous drivers on here.
I’m going against the grain. He moved, he knows you’re nervous to take your car on the motorway and he’s being unhelpful financially.
I would tell him that if he wants to see the kids he can pick them up, it’s only 30 minutes for him too.
I don’t agree with the people saying it’s a waste of time having the car, you can get to everything local without dragging the kids and all their stuff around on busses.

Nervous drivers are dangerous drivers, get additional lessons, I don’t want to be involved in an accident or held up due to a nervous driver.

You won't drive on a motorway but you are happy to drive unsafely with a 17 month old in a rear facing seat in the front?

You absolutely can get both kids in the back where it is safest.

Put the buggy in the front or buy one that fits in the boot. But get a grip and stop creating issues just to try and reek some twisted revenge plot

I think if you’re honest, you don’t want to do the drive as you feel resentful to him a. for moving and b. for having a bigger and I’m guessing, nicer car. And there is possibly a c. related to the breakdown of your relationship.

30 minutes is a short drive even in a Fiat 500.

I think you need to be honest about your reasons.

And she also tells her child that he cannot go to school because she chose one that is near his father's house and she's too scared to drive him to school?

Understandably pissed off Id say.

im going to throw a few thoughts at you OP and some might resonate. Firstly he is a prick and your anger is not misplaced.
however. You got with him so young, and him so much older and I wonder if there was a huge part of ‘being provided for and taken care of’ by this richer older man and all that has been ripped away. You were young and maybe didn’t get the chance to do all the normal, transitional stuff young people do to start to rely on their own skills, build their confidence, become self reliant and self sufficient. Your adult identity was being taken care of, and then taking care of your babies shortly afterwards. This is a huge transition and a traumatic one to boot for you. But it will either be the making of you, or you can become so consumed by it it defines you and you’re the person who couldn’t disentangle her adult self from the loss of the richer older man and the lifestyle he whipped away from you.
-apply for the variation in maintenance.
-think about the schools - plenty of kids go to a school of a different faith , don’t discount it on appropriate/not appropriate grounds without seeing the school and what they offer.
try and put the framework for a life that works for you.
-try and remember who you were and what you wanted before the kids arrived. What are your aims for yourself as an adult ?

this too shall pass. You will get through this.

I have driving anxiety and have only ever driven on a motorway a couple of times in my 15 years of driving. My car is still indispensable for getting me to work, the supermarket, kids clubs, local days out etc. Driving anxiety is a very real and potentially quite dangerous problem, I'm always surprised by the complete lack of empathy from confident drivers, I'm not terrified of motorways by choice! I'm also sure you don't want me driving near you on the verge of a panic attack whilst doing 70mph

For 30 minutes, I’d suck it up.
I begrudgingly accepted a Fiat 500 as a courtesy car last year and had to drive from one end of the M5 to the other and to be honest with you, I’d have felt safer walking 😬 I’ve been driving for 30 years and usually a very confident driver but my Lord, I was clenching all over!
I don’t drive a huge car usually, just a Fiesta or Focus, but the difference was scary to me 😅

I will add, country roads were awful because the suspension felt non-existent, but pulling into little gaps to let oncoming traffic past was exceptionally easy.

My DD has a Fiat 500 and drives all over the country to visit various friends. It's not the comfiest car for long distances , but it's perfectly roadworthy.

People do tend to go to places they don’t live though, surely? Not many people are spending their whole lives never leaving their city walls!

You are being unreasonable about not being able to drive a small car on the motorway etc. Seriously. Cop onto yourself.

YANBU re him doing all the driving if he moved away. Just say you moved, you do the driving. Unless you are worried he won’t return the DC if you don’t collect.

It’s fine to have a little tantrum to yourself but you can’t control his behaviour, only your own. The best revenge is to live well. 💐

Rear facing is perfectly safe in the front if the air bag is switched off.

I don't understand this mentality at all. There's nothing less safe about small cars.

Your ex is truly a selfish bastard. YANBU to refuse to drive in the circumstances you have explained.

I am angry for you! My advice, having divorced a selfish older man, is to constantly consider ‘what is best overall for the kids’ - that includes having a happy and relaxed mum, who prioritises herself at times. So sometimes you need to avoid conflict but sometimes you do need to dig in your heels. It’s not bitterness it’s just that otherwise you’ll never have the life you deserve to have, as you are constantly trying to compensate for their waste of space dad. Good luck. You are strong.

I think knowing your limits stops you being dangerous.
I’m an older driver and live rurally. I am now nervous on motorways and very big busy roundabouts that I am not familiar with.
I’m not at all nervous to drive locally on familiar roads and I drive at a normal speed without undue hesitation.
I think it’s sensible to stick to what I know I can manage.

Op is young with many years driving ahead, it would be sensible for her to get over her anxieties so she is not unnecessarily limited in where she can go.

All cars have to meet minimum safety standards. Small cars aren't unsafe.

Yes, I agree it would be a good thing for her but some of the posts aren’t sympathetic in tone and the lack of empathy is trumping the usual response to an ex who isn’t remotely helpful.

.

You're saying you won't drive for 30 minutes? Some of it on a motorway?

Look at taking some extra lessons so you build your confidence of motorway driving.

I drove from south Suffolk to Gretna Green in my old Fiat 500.

I'd look into changing you car.
You may be able to get something bigger for less than you think.
I'd also work very hard on your ex to make him contribute more- they are his kids too.

You have not wasted the best years of your life, you have two beautiful children and are a young women with your whole life in front of you. The next few years are going to be tough, becauss you are not where you thought you would be; but you are making it worse for yourself by being angry and resentful about your horrible ex. Use that anger positively to drive yourself forward without him, and show those children what a strong women looks like.

I completely get it, especially with kids. But at the end of the day, it is silly. Motorway driving is no different to a roads/b roads.