Refusing to drive on a motorway/long distance in a Fiat 500?

[CheeseSandwich1]

What the title says really!

DC’s Dad and I aren’t together. He moved 30 minutes away and now lives in the countryside.
He expects me to drive to his new home but it’s very hilly and is in the arse end of nowhere, I really don’t feel comfortable driving there in my small car. For reference his own Mum also won’t drive there in her small car.

I also really don’t like motorway driving in my car as I feel nervous as it’s so small and I have to put my youngest in the front seat rear facing. This means anywhere the children need to go that includes motorway driving DC’s Dad has to take them.

I can’t afford to upgrade my car at the moment.

DC’s Dad thinks I’m being unreasonable about driving but he has a huge car (I would feel safe if I had his car as the children are all in proper car seats in the middle of back of the car).

AIBU?

30 minutes is less than many people drive to work, if you had said he’d moved 3 hours away I’d be sympathetic, but 30 minutes is still local as far as I’m concerned. Yabu, fiat 500’s are fine on motorways, I’ve driven one around Italy including on the autostradas, and Italian roads are crazy!

What? Have you ever driven a large car? You have to be way more competent to drive my 7 seater than my dd’s tiny A1. I have had lots of fun driving the A1 btw. It’s like driving a dodgem car.

Edit - to add, if large cars were so much easier to drive, everyone would be learning in one!

Exactly. I did a 100 mile round trip to work for years. There was snow on the ground when I started that contract. 30 minutes is nothing and there’s no point in owning a car if you’re scared to drive it.

How do people in Italy cope? 🫠😀

Because he’s hiding income (by claiming he earns minimum wage) so that he doesn’t have to pay to support his own children? That’s hardly the actions of a good, honourable man.

It's stupid massive car/tank things that are the problem on our roads. I little car is great and better for nipping about..
The more you drive it with the kids in, the more you'll get confident in it.
Why does he need what is basically a minibus?

@CheeseSandwich1 I don't think you should have to do the driving to him anyway.

How far can you get before the motorway? Is there somewhere you could do the transfer that just involves local roads?

I understand what you are saying. I live in a rural area with fast roads. I had a Fiat Panda (old style) before I had kids and drove anywhere but I traded it in once I had children because there was literally nothing behind them in the event of an accident.

You are getting a hard time here. Ironically if you'd written 'my car is too small, should I forward face early - my journey just involves a small bit of motorway' you'd have had your arse handed to you.

Just tell him he has to collect them or meet you somewhere - the latter shows you making reasonable effort. You have taken on ever other inconvenience. This one can be his.

He doesn’t look after his children’s interests either though, as he lies to get out of paying child support.

Find a meeting point in the middle to pick them up then.

I still don’t understand why you’re driving to his new house??

OP, the reason you’re not in a great financial position is that you never got a chance to start your career. If your ex was in his 40s when you met, he would have already done all the groundwork and I doubt he benefited as such from your childcare in the way that someone younger would have in order to build his career. His career would already have been built and isn’t attributable to you. He sounds like a manipulative dick for getting with someone that young, having kids but not marrying. But that’s the position you’re in now so you need to start working to get yourself out of it. I actually would send your kids to the local school within walking distance. Primary won’t be too bad if they are supported at home with reading and writing. You are setting yourself up for a nightmare by ferrying them long distances to a school near their dads and it will restrict work you can do and will limit the support system you have. You wont be able to ask one of the other mums for just pick yours up for you if it’s miles away. Find out what you need to do to train for a decent paying job. Maybe something like accountancy which you can do training on the job. Then start working your way up. You won’t get anything from this guy. I’m guessing people warned you about him at the time.

It's scary having a small, less powerful car on the motorway. I can understand where you are coming from.

What is so hard to understand? Presumably for pickups or drop offs. Maybe they split them half and half. It’s very unreasonable for one parent to simply point blank refuse to drive when both parents moved from the former home. If it went to court, an attitude like that would be viewed very negatively and as a sign of being hostile to contact.

I think you've identified your issue here

It's not about your ability to drive or your kids safety or well-being .

It's this - jealousy over his car.

He's not going to buy you a huge car - it's not a 'normal' or average car. More people are driving around in 'tiny' cars than £80k defenders.

Yes the guy is a dick, make sure he's paying every bit of maintenance he should be & doing the childcare he said he will do. Don't have any more kids with him.

But other than that you need to get a grip on what's best for the kids. Fact is you have a normal/average car that is more than capable of a 30min journey. Focus on getting your confidence up with that rather than raging with jealousy over what he has

Where do you drive this car if you don’t like on rural roads or the motorway? I feel like that restricts you quite a lot. FWIW, you say you’d feel more comfortable in a bigger car but you won’t, you’ll struggle to drive it and become a more anxious driver. You don’t need a bigger car, you need to get over your driving anxiety or find a way to get around without a car. Fiat 500’s are perfectly safe or they wouldn’t be on the road.

I feel the same, OP. I now have a small car and have become a very nervous motorway driver, when I used to be absolutely fine. Comments about giving women drivers a bad name are really not helpful, we're not being nervous deliberately!

You need to go back to CMS. For some stupid reason you have to ask them to take dividends into account rather than them doing so automatically

But ridiculous Op. It’s 30 miles not 300 miles. Cars are perfectly capable of driving, many people commute that distance or more to work.

Do you have a formal childcare arrangement when you split up and aren't married? I don't know how it works.

For all the complications of your current situation and for all that he may be a dick, you are nevertheless being totally irrational regarding your car. 30 minutes is not 'long distance' by any stretch - for many, many years I commuted further than that in a Yaris, funnily enough from a national park to a city, along some twisty hilly roads. I also went up and down the A1 several hundred miles on a regular basis to see family. I did this long, long past the point where I could gave got a bigger car because the Yaris did the job and was dirt cheap to run.

People thinking they need a big car to go further than the local shops is a pain in the arse frankly, and I never will understand why people are nervous about motorways - they're the safest roads of all and an absolute doddle if you've the most basic competence.

My DD drives from SE London to Gloucestershire a few times a year in her little Fiat 500. It takes approx 3hrs, sometimes more. A 30min journey is nothing, just take it easy.

Agree with this completely - motorway driving is just driving in a straight line. It requires far less concentration or skill than town driving. The OP needs to buck up and get herself some refresher driving lessons rather than just decide that this is a normal way to react to a short drive

A Fiat 500 isn't even a cheap car, small yes, but not cheap. They're also expensive to insure cause they're so popular to nick.

If money was the only issue, I'm sure you'd have something cheaper.

And yes, I commuted an hour each way in a Ford Ka, including motorway driving.

First child went rear facing in the back, in a seat with an isofix base so it just clipped in and out.

You are being unreasonable.

I can see your point op. I had a small car and I was terrified of motorways and large A roads. That fear has largely gone since I bought a bigger car. The thing I hadn’t realised is the lack of acceleration on the small car. There’s a big a road I go on a few times a week with quite small slip roads and in my new car I can enter the road at 70 or the speed of the traffic and with the older car I’d be entering at 40 which felt unsafe. I also used to wait for ages to get onto large roundabouts as I couldn’t enter with any speed.

i think if he’s moved away then he can do the pickups.