AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

YABU

You don't even need to be telling a small toddler where her sister is going.

Your MIL is doing her best under difficult circumstances.

Very unreasonable. She's built a relationship with your eldest. Why would you deprive your eldest of that simply be cause your 2nd one doesn't get the time.

And I'm amazed that a 2 year old cares tbh never mind gave the ability to be questioning it. 2 year olds are a lot harder work than a 6 year old you know well

I do stuff with 8 yr old dgc, the 18 month one not

Yabu for hurts my mummy heart. Ew.

Other than that, I’m genuinely not sure. There’s a big difference between minding a 6 year old and a 2 year old and it seems wrong to effectively “punish” MIL and your six year old because you don’t think it’s fair that the toddler isn’t getting equal time. But I can see where you are coming from too.

What would you do if this was your mum? Would you really be threatening her with no “granny time”?

Your ‘mummy heart’ hurting isn’t a reason to take your child away from her grandmother. You know why she’s not having the 2 year old! Sounds like your mil is having a hard time but doing her best

You’re being very unreasonable!
The difference between looking after a 2 yr old that needs constant supervision and a 6 year old who is good company and competent, is huge!
A two year old does not mind whether she stays with granny or not. She may wish she was staying with her sister, but that’s not quite the same. You tell her she can go when she’s a big girl like her sister!
For goodness sake don’t put pressure on a woman who’s already in a tough spot! Elder care is hard, she doesn’t need you stirring up bad feeling on top, and if you do you’ll lose the good relationship for both DDs.

My sister remembers our gran really well. She got letters from her, and had a real personal relationship. I don’t have the same memories because I was younger and she died when I was 7. It’s normal. It’s not unfair. It just is.

It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

I mean this kindly, get a bloody grip!

You lost whatever point you were trying to make using such immature language!

Looking after a 6 year old is different than looking after a 2 year old. The level of care is totally different. Your MIL doesn't have the capacity to mind a 2 year old. I dont believe that for a second that your 2 year old has noticed or is complaining, it's unfair. You are the one noticing not your 2 year old. It's up to you if you stop your 6 year old from having a lovely time with granny because you've decided it's both or neither. You will only be punishing your own child.

I don’t tell her. Her granny literally picks up my eldest from my house and my youngest watches them from the window. Shes obviously given opportunities with me and her Dad as treats to distract her but she notices. Will always say “me too” whenever they go.

To be honest I can’t imagine that I’d want to
leave my toddler with someone who may not be up to caring for them. But then I’m not part of the “childcare by grandparents at any cost” brigade

There's a big difference in looking after a 2 year old versus a 6 year old. Considering the added pressure of caring for elderly parents it sounds like she has got a lot on her plate.

I would be grateful she has your first DD at all, especially picking her up from school (I'm presuming because both parents are working but even if not it's nice for her to have that time)

That would really upset me

No idea why you think she should, you say she isn’t capable.

I don’t want to deprive her of anything at all, I just want her to spend equal time with my children because she does notice. I wouldn’t expect her to watch her alone if she isn’t up to it but she doesn’t even visit and spend time with her when me and my husband are there at home.

I would think it’s fairly common for grandparents to take the older grandchild for a sleepover, but the younger one being left as they are too young and therefore too much work until they’re older. I appreciate she has your first child from the age of 1 but your mil is not able to do this now and I think you need to understand this

Because she has had your eldest daughter for overnights for so long they will have their little routine, it is easy and familiar. She won't have that with your 2 year old. Cut her some slack like you say she is going through a tough time, don't make it any tougher.

You’re willing to hurt your dd just to make a point to your MIL?

She is doing what she is able to do.

Have a quiet word to alert her to the situation if you want to, but I’d suggest that might mean slight tweaks rather than big changes.

It’s obvious your mil is at capacity and has even told you that she can’t manage your dd2 at the moment. You need to change your mindset, be grateful that she has your dd1 under the circumstances.

My mum has early onset dementia and unfortunately isn’t able to have the relationship that she would have loved to have with my girls. If the situation was in relation to her, I would gently put it to her as I believe open communication is best. Even just having MIL round to the house to spend time with her whilst we’re around would be better than the current situation

My eldest cousin had a different relationship with my grandparents and most of the aunts and uncles, who all pitched in when she was small and her mum was a working single parent. The younger aunts and uncles honed their parenting skills on her. I've never felt a moment of jealousy over it except for wishing I'd known my grands as a teen / adult (ie they died when I was 9). I don't think any of our other siblings or cousins really felt anything, it is just how life is.

She doesn’t need to watch them go. You can make sure you’re in the middle of something much more interesting, or on your way out somewhere else.

But really you need to reshape this in your head: your oldest child had lots of one-to-parents time (four years worth) and this is your youngest child’s chance to get that level of attention. I’m pretty sure your mother-in-law (speaking as one myself) thinks she’s giving you and your youngest a gift of time - as indeed she is - and you should try to see it, and present it to your youngest, that way too.

Also, it’s good practice for all the future unequal activities to come, given the age gap; sleepovers, playing out, curfews, days out, dating, festivals…

If the situation was in relation to her, I would gently put it to her as I believe open communication is best.

Do you not have a good relationship with MIL? Could you not do that with her? If not, could DH speak with her?

My in laws couldn't do enough for their first grandchild, my stepson. They even took him on holiday. Fast forward to my youngest being my mils 11th and 12th grandchild she barely sees them, probably due to the fact she was 42 with an alive husband first time round now she's a 74 year old widow so I expect nothing from her.

I totally appreciate that is how it goes with grandparents sometimes, but openly saying in front of my children “I’ll see you on Thursday DD1 and I’ll see how it goes for you DD2” I don’t really think is fair? My 2 year olds level of understanding is quite good and she does notice

I don’t want any of my children to be hurt, but one of them currently is and I think that it would be ok to talk about that to see how we could improve that