AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

I think grandparents often have a very special relationship with the oldest grandchild that is not replicated with younger grandchildren. It's not them being unkind - it's just their older, less one on one time opportunities etc. It's just the way it is.

She gets lots of special 1:1 with both my husband and I. We are both very lucky with flexible jobs.

Could you not rephrase it to DD2 as her special time and either you or her father have one to one time with her? Often it's the kid who is leaving with granny who feels jealous of the other child having time with their parent.

Maybe sort out some bonding time for granny and 2 year old DD by having an evening each week when your DH takes her over there to support his mum.

So even though I assume then you’re off on just as exciting trip with her as she’d be getting with granny she still has a problem with it? Most 2 year olds prefer to be with mummy and daddy over anyone else?

I do love this idea. Though she is very much the kind of person who wouldn’t want us to help, she doesn’t even let me make her a cup of coffee as she likes it a certain way. (We laugh about this!)

That’s so sad :(. People are ignorant if they think little children don’t notice things.

I think in your shoes I would just accept that things are a bit different and that your youngest will hopefully get more chances as she gets older.

It would feel like a punishment for both your eldest & MIL to stop their current plans because she can’t also take care of a 2 year old. I’d also suggest your 6 year old probably really benefits from this 121 time with MIL, away from a 2 year old sibling who monopolises attention a lot of the time (not judging, I have a 2 year old, they do need constant supervision and do require more time and attention than an older child), so it wouldn’t be fair to her to take that away.

I’d continue as you are, distract 2 year old with your own special plans and hopefully once they are a bit older, less of a flight risk, easier to manage, they will be able to get some more MIL time then.

How about once a week you and DD2 make Granny a cake (or similar) and take it round. You can have a cuppa, spend some time together and that way there’s no pressure on anyone, least of all mil to do any official child care.
Maybe take a book/jigsaw that they can share together too.

I don't think your concern about the impact on DD2 is unreasonable. But I think your solution is very unfair. It basically punishes your MiL for being older and having more caring responsibilities. And pulling DD1 away from someone she has a great relationship with because you've had another child too late for MiL to provide the same input isn't fair on DD1.

It's totally understandable that MiL isn't up for looking after a 2 year old on her own anymore but is still able to manage a 6 year old she knows well and has built up a close relationship with. So if you want DD2 to have a better relationship with MiL, you and DH need to put in the work to give her the time and space to build it. Maybe DH taking DD2 over and helping MiL with her caring responsibilities so she can spend supported time with DD2 while you look after DD1 would be a good start. Also spending time with MiL as a family. Invite her on day trips/over for Sunday lunch or some other regular time at your place/etc. and get DD1 helping you/DH in the kitchen to free up time for MiL and DD2 to interact.

I think I'd reframe your goal/role, here.

What can you and DH do to help your MIL and DD2 develop a relationship that doesn't put additional care responsibilities on your MIL? When was the last time DH offered to take DD2 and his mum for an outing, or go over to visit together? How often is she invited to visit and just encouraged to relax with the girls? Do you regularly propose family outings that she doesn't have to organize or prep for?

You've acknowledged that MIL is in a different place in terms of her load and age than she was when your first was born. That means that time together and relationship building may need to look different, and it will probably involve more effort from you and your DH. But it doesn't mean they can't develop a relationship.

No you can't because you are a lot younger than your MIL so it will be more draining for her. Just say to your little one that she is too young to have nights away with granny yet.

I think people are missing the point, deliberately too.

This is sad for dd2. But does she fully understand at that age?

Growing Up I had a really close relationship with my nanna. I wasn’t anywhere near as boisterous as my brother and it’s wasn’t really any work for me to stay with her and she loved the company. We listened to the radio and watched tv shows and she’d cook me late night suppers. My brother wouldn’t have done that and would have been bored. He had his own great relationship with her but it was different. I don’t think she preferred me I was just a better companion to stay over. Maybe when your youngest is older and calmer she will be brought into it to join them. I have a 2yr old and I genuinely don’t think she’d pick up on anything like favouritism. As much as I love her she is hard work and I wouldn’t want anyone to watch her who wasn’t up to it.

Oh wow. I don’t think you can tell me about my ow situation? These are different situations but doesn’t make any one harder than the other. If losing my best friend in front of my very eyes, missing her incredibly, missing her develop relationships with my beautiful children and struggling with the grief of thinking I had so much longer to do all the f to things we’d planned to do, isn’t hard and give me a compassionate lens, then you must be right!

I agree. Circumstances have changed, that is life.

I’d ask to alternate Thursdays where one Thursday she visits you or you and DD2 go to hers, and the other one DD1 does her special sleepover.

YANBU, although I'm cringing for you with they way you've worded it!

My niece on DH's side was MIL's golden child and it ended up causing so much bad feeling with her sister and cousins especially as they all got older and it was blatantly obvious.

If MIL can't cope with having 2 kids at the same time I would suggest they take turn about.

You are being unfair. She sounds like she has a lot of stress in her life at the moment and looking after 6 yr old is very different to looking after a 2 yr old. Are you supporting her?

Could you maybe suggest that every second Thursday she can come to you and see both children at your house with you there to help?

I do get that this is hard. My daughter never really had or has any alone time with my in laws but my niece sees them pretty much every day. My father in law once started saying to my niece in front of my daughter ‘How’s my favourite granddaughter’ but stopped himself and said his grandbaby (niece is younger).

I think don’t get it out of proportion and it sounds like she’s very fond of you all but actually my main thing would be that your six year old started to think she was the favourite as that wouldn’t help the sibling relationship.

I’m torn and your ‘mummy heart’ stuff made me twitch and immediately want to press YABU.

I think it’s ok your older daughter goes for a sleepover now and again and that your MIL doesn’t have the same energy with your younger daughter. It’s not fair for there to be such a stark and obvious difference in how she treats them.

I do think it’s worth exploring with her how she can spend time with both of them together or separately. Just say it’s starting to be noticed.

I like this idea of reframing things, thank you! Exactly the reason I posted for helpful support 🩷

YABU. A 2 year old will not be picking up on this. And if she was you make it special for her saying its special time for her alone with mummy and isn't she lucky to have this alone time with you n daddy
2 years old are hard work, your MIL is 6 years older n has now the stress of elderly parents. I think she's doing really well in the circumstances

Instantly regretting the ‘mummy heart’ for all the hate 🤣🤣🤣

@TTCX2 I was DD2. It was never my turn. I remember noticing it as a 3 year old when my cousin was staying with my grandparents. My sister got stay, my turn was "later". It was always "later".

That cousin and my grandfather were killed in a car accident when I was 6. My sister was still the only one doing sleepovers. My grandmother died when I was 12.

Growing up thinking your grandmother hates you isn't nice. My sister is 1 year older than me (a day short of exactly 12 months).

As the child in that situation, you have to find a way for her to include DD2.

It is very different handling a 6 year old who she has built a close bond with compared to handling a 2 year old.

Be rational, you know she is going through a difficult time