AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

perhaps you could suggest to MIL she pics DD1 up on Thursday and comes for dinner so she can spend time with both girls as DD2 would also like to spend time with her.

This is tough @k1233, I’m sorry 🩷. Thank you for replying with this perspective xx

That's normal and not necessarily very significant. I've seen mine wanting to do something the older one/s were doing and then not enjoy it at all - they just see someone going out and they assume it's more exciting than staying home. Find something for her to do with you, even just an ice lolly or a story.

My mother had my eldest two for long periods during the school holidays, and the third, who came along later, hardly at all. I couldn't have asked her to because her own health and energy had changed in the intervening decade.

Be glad that your eldest child is able to have a great relationship with her Gran, and hopefully when the second one gets to that age, she'll be able to do things with her that 6 or 7 year olds can do. Or she might be even less able to manage, and sadly that's just life.

But looking after a 2 year old is a whole other kettle of fish. Punishing your elder child because her beloved Gran is not up to having a 2 year old is beyond cruel.

Find a way for her to spend time with the younger child without having to do the hard work - have her over with you for instance.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here and I would feel for my younger child in this scenario. Plus I agree it is awkward to raise - your DH should be having that conversation as it’s his Mum! I would be suggesting MIL joins you and DD2 at a class/ or for a regular cuppa each week that works. Or asking MIL to drop DD1 earlier and come in and to spend time with you all including DD2. Invite her along to some family days out or over for tea with the kids - it can be low key and you can easily get DD2 to force her favourite book on Granny for some time together whilst she’s over.

Look you are making this about your child when it’s nothing at all to do with her - the woman is doing what she can to help you - imagine if you turn around and say oh you can only see both children if you commit equal time to them

You’d sound pretty ridiculous and I think at the heart of this you just want to have a break so want her to take both of them

What Is your husband saying about it?

Why would you think your grandmother hated you???. That's a bit extreme to say the least. My older sister n cousin stayed at my grandparents many times. Never occurred to me they didn't love me. I was revelling in having my parents all to myself...that's the way it was sold to me and it was a win win situation all round

I would absolutely love to have a break and for her to have both of them but I know that’s not going to happen and would never push for it too either, as I said in my initial post, I’d never ask her to do anything outwith her capacity. The childcare is not the agenda here. It is how to get her to understand that there are ways she could be spending time with my youngest that means she gets to have time with her Granny.

Maybe a 2 year old is too much for her! When she is older and less work perhaps is the time to mention it. My own MIL and FIL just couldn't cope with 2 year old s . Fair enough

So why is all your blame going on MIL? Maybe FIL doesn't want a toddler under his feet either.

Like I said in my post, it's always the MIL at fault never FIL and it is up to your husband to sort out.

I’m actually not blaming anybody. Just concerned for my family dynamic that’s all!

If you want to foster the relationship then make it easy for her. Ask her over to have lunch with both girls at the weekend then take DD1 to do her reading or wash her hair or sort out her toys or something leaving granny and DD2 to entertain each other , play game, make some biscuits (measure it all out for them) etc. DD2 will be happy with the 121 , she won’t care that it doesn’t involve a sleepover.

Totally get it and it socks. But your mil older now and had other troubles. She's enjoying spending time with an independent child that presumably sleeps through the night and toilets / dresses/feeds themselves and can have a giggle together play board games etc. Maybe MIL doesn't want to reset to the toddler stage. Her choice and I'd feel the same. Just tell your toddler she will get the same when she's older. Sure when she's independent and can ask her nan herself she won't be turned down.

Yes this. The MIL has a bit of a shit sandwich with elder care and GC1 care.

Hurts my mummy heart 😱

I have a similar situation with my dad and my son having a special bond and used to go out without my daughter. They had nearly 5 years together being “best friends” so when my daughter came along it was a different sort of relationship between her and my dad. It’s only now my daughter is 6 and she can join in more with their activities things are less noticeable. When she became about 4/5 my dad would take her out more on her own as she was easier for him to manage.

She never noticed a difference in the relationship until she was about 5 and the difference was blatant so I’m amazed your 2 year old notices! I think you may be more upset than your 2 year old - that’s understandable though considering all the mixed feelings you must have about your mum.

Im sure your MIL loves your 2 year old but the relationship is different and that’s okay!

Also she sounds amazing under a lot of duress! Please say absolutely nothing to her

Also when my dad took my son out I made sure my daughter got some lovely “mummy time” so she didn’t actually miss out on anything really.

Thank you, this is a kind reply and I absolutely know there will be underlying feelings around my own Mum and her relationship with my girls playing a factor here. I like and agree with what you said, the relationship being ‘different’ doesn’t necessarily mean bad

It's the logic children have. It's very obvious when one is excluded.

@TTCX2's DD2 will always be excluded. At the moment she's a toddler, DD1 is 4 years older. When DD2 is 6, GM will be too old and a 10yo is more independent and easier for her. When DD2 is 10, GM will find it easier to have a teenager around. By the time DD2 is an adult she will have accepted that GM didn't want anything to do with her.

If you want her to spend equal time with each of your children then tell her - she's not psychic!

Spell out what you want and she will tell you if it is possible or not.

But don't expect that the total time she spends with them will increase overall as she now has other care responsibilities. And don't be surprised if she says she cannot cope with a 2 year old at the moment or that she says she can't cope with them both together on her own. She can only do what she can do.

Your 2 year old is picking up on what you feel.

When my DD had a second child I was regularly looking after number one GC 2 days a week. I was clear that I could not do more than 2 days (nursing a sick OH too) so she would have to choose continuing with one child for 2 days, or 2 for one each. She chose the latter. But it was all discussed amicably and happily and she was very clear she did not want to put any pressure on me at all - that's how a DD should be! - or indeed a DIL!

@RedRock41 Traumatised is your language, not mine! Never once said I know best and if I did, do you think I’d be posting here on Mumsnet because I’m conflicted about the situation? Not sure what’s got your bees in such a bonnet but I hope you have a wonderful evening 🫶

Also, IMHO, what I find ridiculous, is coming at a stranger on the internet with such absolute venom 🫣🫣

This is a good point. I take the 8 year old to do stuff that toddler sibling would be a nuisance there

I think you've got to stop trying to make your MIL do something she obviously doesn't want to. I don't know why she doesn't want to she's probably too tired or too busy but maybe she doesn't feel a connection or their personalities don't click. We don't automatically like everyone just because they are family. I know this sounds harsh about a 2yr old but can't make her love your daughter and want to spend time with her.