AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

Ah that's a really tough one OP and I feel you're getting a hard time.

It's not really MIL's fault as you've acknowledged.

But I think people underestimate how perceptive 2 year olds can be. My second DD was speaking in full sentences somewhere between 1 and a half and 2 (not a stealth boast, she's just a regular kid, just happened to speak early) and it amazed me what she took in and could understand and verbalise. She would 100% have felt left out if her older sister was always doing nice things with granny and she wasn't.

I'm not gonna laugh at you for the "mummy heart" comment either - I think you meant it's not about needing childcare from MIL, you just feel sad for DD2. It would have hurt my mummy heart to hear my DD2 say "I come too" or similar in this situation!

Hope you find some good resolutions x

I had a similar situation and when my youngest got to about 2 he used to get really upset about not being taken too. He didn’t want to stay at home for 1-1 special time with his mum because that was who he always spent time with so going off to his nanny’s definitely felt like more of a treat. In the end I did say they needed to take turns or take both, there isn’t much between them in age and I didn’t want it becoming a long term issue. The eldest is probably more favoured still but at least it looks more fair. It looks like a lot disagree with my approach but it was causing him to be upset and me a massive headache every week!

Thank you for this. 🫶 absolutely agree on how people can underestimate children at that age. My daughter has really good language and comprehension so she knows what’s going on around her. I love my MIL despite what the rest of the thread thinks, I just want both my girls to feel equally loved by their Granny. Thanks for being kind x

I'd say she doesn't need to do the same things with dd2 as she did with dd1, but it does sound like she doesn't spend any time with dd2 at all which isn't fair.

My mum had/has a closer relationship with dd1 because she looked after her on her own one day a week from babyhood until school. By the time dd2 and ds were around circumstances had changed and she never spent as much one-to-one time with them. If pushed she would admit DD1 is a bit more special to her. BUT DD2 and DS would never know this and she'd be devastated if they knew. She's always made great efforts to be fair and to spend time with them all.

OP do you not spend time together as a whole family? Most of the time my younger two have spent with grandparents has been with us parents around as well. Then they can build up a relationship without having the physical and mental toll of sole charge, having to deal with the harder work stuff. They can play, and you can change nappies for example.

Surely you could look at this the other way and say it’s unfair that your older child gets sent off with a grandparent whilst the younger one gets one-to-one time with you? Life isn’t fair and children won’t always get the exact same treatment.

thanks for this. I actually think this post has helped me realised a wider issue that we aren’t prioritising family time as a whole which would support their relationship. MIL has a very busy and active life (which she’s worked hard for and absolutely entitled to!). Her diary is very full so maybe it’s a wider conversation about how we factor in more time together which will allow for them to spend more time together

I am the grandma in this scenario and I do only have the 6 yr old for a sleepover.
I am older ,pretty exhausted and help out with both grandchildren once a week.
Absolutely adore the youngest but too tiring to have both together overnight.
Luckily my daughter is very appreciative and understands.
The youngest grandchild doesn’t have any opinion or stress over the arrangement.

@TTCX2

My two boys are 5 years apart. My mum spent a lot of time with DS1 before DS2 came along, like your MiL and DD1.

But in the intervening years between the two my mum 'aged' and my dad became disabled due to a neurological condition. She was his carer.

My mum, God rest her sweet soul, did not have the stamina to have the same relationship with DS2 as a toddler as she did with DS1. And at that point DS1 was more 'independent' so the time he spent with her wasn't as 'care and supervision' intensive as a toddler needs. As a result, the relationship would appear to be 'unequal'. But it had nothing to do with love or wanting to do more. It was that Mum simply couldn't. She wasn't as 'agile' and my dad required more of her time and attention. I completely understood. And DS2 didn't seem to pay too much attention to it. He was happy when she was up to having him, albeit for shorter periods of time.

The good news is that as DS2 grew older and more able to entertain himself, follow directions, and needed less direct supervision, Mum was able to have him more often and for longer periods of time and was still able to care for Dad. By the time DS1 had 'sort of' outgrown 'weekends at Gramma's' for wanting to hang out with his mates, DS2 of was of the age to step right in and 'fill that gap'. Chances are that will happen with your girls and your MiL. Just be patient.

Just to clarify; none of this was 'childcare'. Both our boys had regular childcare for our workweek. This was strictly 'ad hoc' occasional or 'go to Gramma's for a treat'.

I get it OP although I'm not sure what the solution is? More family time with granny where you are all together and she's not in charge of childcare?

Oh give over.

The majority of children think it’s a massive treat to spend time with their grandparents. I did. My own children did with the MIL & FIL (not my parents because they cba to form a relationship with them and favoured my sister’s children) and my little grandson does. When DH is around the rest of us might as well be invisible, unless he wants a book read then it’s all me. He’s only 2.5 yet he’s already aware that seeing his grandparents, both us and DDIL’s parents, is a lot of fun.

I think if any toddler was sad and saying ‘me too’ it would make most people sad to hear it to be fair, however I would do two things.
Ask your MIL to wait in the car when picking up your eldest or make sure your toddler is otherwise engaged. There doesn’t need to be long drawn out goodbyes.
My youngest is 6 my eldest is a teenager, he gets to do things that his brother doesn’t with relatives due to his age. My eldest just shouts bye and jumps in the car, if the youngest notices he’s going he says he’s going out but will be back soon.
Secondly I would get your DH to take his Mum and youngest out on a regular basis, to the park, a picnic, a garden centre etc whilst you stay with your eldest.
My youngest since small has gone to a nearby national trust place with me and his grandparents initially when his brothers were at school and he was at home, and now probably once every 3 weeks. His brothers don’t go, as they have their own stuff to do.
A 4 year age gap doesn’t sound a lot but the difference in looking after a 2 year old and 6 year old is huge, instead of asking her to join an existing tradition, your little one needs to start her own with your help.

I was looking for this reply. A lot is worse for the eldest ..adjusting to not being the baby, asked to look after the youngest even slightly…this is one special thing..an accident of fate ..being the first and having Grandma when she was younger and more free. There is no reason to ruin this beautiful thing ..enjoy your young one in your solo times. See the good in things rather than create drama. The baby of the family has special privileges too. That’s normal family life

I think that if your DD2 is noticing that her granny spends a lot of time with DD6 and none with her then things need to be changed up. If DD6 goes for sleepovers every week that sounds a lot and if MIL is not up to coping with the younger DD then maybe suggesting one Thursday she comes to yours for tea and spends some time with DD2 as well as DD1 should be considered. Your priority is your DDs and grandparents playing favourites can be damaging. Explain to your MIL that there needs to be a more equal relationship between your DDs and the time they spend with her. Everyone seems to be looking at this from MILs perspective and not your family as a whole.

Maybe think about what you could do to help MIL build a relationship with dd2 but without the hard work of being responsible for her - could you start a new we thing of having her over for a meal/family time at the weekend, or invite her on holiday with you (just an easy UK cottage/beach holiday)? We’ve had a few holidays with grandparents and it’s really helped both our kids bond with them - snuggling up on the sofa in the evening reading a story, that kind of thing.

YABVU for saying "It really hurts my mummy heart".

Your younger daughter is 2. She wont notice or care.

Be grateful she is still able to look after your eldest. But don't try to guilt trip her into taking on the younger one too

But granny isn't 'looking after' the eldest. Not in any childcare sense. Nor is the OP looking for childcare for the youngest. Granny is doing it because she wants to spend time with the older one, she's doing it for her own benefit.

The issue here seems to be that the eldest has a very strong relationship with her grandmother while the youngest has almost none.

I don't actually think YABU. Then again I have seen what happens in families where 1child or grandchild is favoured other the other. It may be fine for several years but sooner or later everything will come to a head and likely ruin the relationship between your kids.
Just don't send DD1 for sleepovers. Have MIL for tea at your house. That way she can still pick DD1 up from school and have a bit of 1:1 time and then spend time with both girls.

JFC what a horrible comment! OP is caring for her mum with early onset dementia while bringing up two children and working. She will lose her mum at an early age and her children will never have a nornal relationship with their maternal grandmother. I think OP's situation is much more tragic than her MIL's.

But that's hardly unusual. I have stronger relationships with one set of my grandchildren than the others.

And closer relationship with the eldest of the 2 in one set although that's not the eldest GC

I read 'see you on Friday, depending on how the week goes' as regret that her life is now hard and she can't take the younger one. It isn't favouritism, it is sadness.

My oldest had weeks away on holiday with grandparents, regular days out etc. Similar age gap. By the time DC2 came along, an elderly parent had a stroke and needed MIL's time, then her husband had dementia and needed more of her time. DC2 has never had the holidays or days out.

We dealt with it by having the grandparents to stay with us until the dementia got too bad. Both of our children have an equal relationship with MIL now as young adults. That difference in early years has had zero impact on their relationship with her or each other, despite what anyone might try and convince you.