AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

But 6 yr olds and 2 yr olds don’t do the same stuff! One goes to school, one to nursery. One has Brownies, one doesn’t. That’s normal.

You are creating this. It’s not about being fair! You will create a problem.

YANBU I’m surprised so many are saying you are. It doesn’t sound like you want the 2 year old to stay over but just for MiL to show them a little more attention too. A lot has changed in your MiL life since DD1 arrived so you can’t expect the same sleepovers from 1 etc etc but you can expect her to want to spend some time with DD2 at your home with you and DH around or do the parenting so she can just have the fun for an hour or two. She might only be 2 but she will be noticing that her big sister isn’t there!! It’s also ensuring it doesn’t become a long term issue splitting your DDs. Speak gentle to MiL about saying appreciate having her is too much but can you come in for hour whrn drop DD1 to play with DD2 etc?

I do feel a lot of grandparents go into grand parenting full guns with the first GC. They have the energy excitement and desire to form tight bonds. Then second and subsequent GC (same or differnt parents) can often have less involvement as grandparents are older there are more GC and just it the energy levels. It’s fine enough but also a bit sad for the younger GCs.

Oh no OP. Do not use your children as emotional blackmail. That is a low call.
I am sorry but you really don’t appreciate circumstances have changed.
Your MIL can cope with the older child but not the younger.
Have higher standards for yourself.

I’m not part of that brigade either. My own Mum isn’t able to care for herself let alone her grandchildren (though she would have loved to) and my husband and I manage all our childcare as well as work. Any grandparent support we do get is only when my MIL is able and up to it and that’s totally fine, but there is no village around us like some families

You are 100% creating the problem here. Your 2 year old is not hurt, she is 2 and will mimic what you do and say. You need to say when your older you will get to go too and we want you all to ourselves whilst DD1 is away. That is all. Your MIL sounds brilliant and like she has done a lot for you as a family, She is 6 years older, caring for older relatives (believe you me, you cannot possibly imagine the burden of that if you cannot empathise as to how difficult that will be for her) and STILL managing your find time to spend with DD1. What a marvellous woman. You’d be really awful to ‘have a chat with her’. If you did that to me I’d be privately very upset and would just simply say then I won’t be able to have either. Get a grip and have some heart.

Her big sister won't be there when she's at school either so should be quite used to it

Your younger one isn't going to have the same relationship with her grandmother that the oldest has because circumstances have unavoidably changed.

You can't lead her to expect to be included in everything your oldest does. I think you're wrong to try to deprive your oldest of an enjoyable relationship with her grandmother because your youngest can't have the same. It would not be in your oldest's best interests to change an already established relationship with her grandmother.

The grandmother has caring responsibilities. She doesn't have the time. Your youngest is 2 and you expect her to be taking her instead of your older? 2 year olds are hard work and she's got enough on her plate.

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I had thought in my post I sounded compassionate and understanding about my MIL situation but equally can see the way they are treated differently. I know it’s a very sensitive situation and I would never go in guns blazing to hurt anybody. I just feel like my second is an afterthought and she is such a wonderful little girl it upsets me that she doesn’t seem to see that or want the same relationship she has with my eldest.

Believe you me, I can understand the burden because I am 34 years old and caring for my own mother with Dementia.

Your 2-year-old has no idea when Thursday is. Of course she wants to do everything her big sister does, but that doesn't mean your MIL is acting unfairly. Just distract the little one and do something with her that she enjoys while DD1 is with her grandmother. Honestly, it sounds as though your MIL is coping with some difficult and stressful issues. Do you really want to add to her stress by either demanding she take on the care of a 2-year-old or refusing to allow her to spend time with her other grandchild? Talk about being unfair.

I’m not quite understanding how it is such a big issue with a 2 year old? Isn’t she just upset as her sister going off to do something different? Also totally different looking after someone’s 6 year old compared to a 2 year old, 2 year olds are jolly hard work, require constant supervision and attention every 2 minutes, not to mention the constant clearing up etc (I currently have a toddler myself!) and I’m not surprised she thinks the idea a bit overwhelming with everything else she’s got going on. In all honestly all the posts saying the GP don’t do enough are more a reflection of parents resenting fact they’re not getting the break they feel entitled to. We saw our GP once a year if that as they lived far away and we were just happy to see them when we did

Yes but “big sister is at school” IS differnt to “big sister is at granny’s”. It just isn’t the same at all. Same as big sister going to brownies swimming friends play dates is all “accepted” by the 2 year old because she knows those are DD1’s things same as she has toddler gymnastics, playgroup whatever. But gran is BOTH of theirs and in her little toddler mind she is never included with gran even if it’s just playing with her at home for half an hour.

I have siblings older and younger than me. I had sleep overs at my Nan’s and spent more time with her than my siblings did. My siblings had no issue with it and still don’t.
Plan something nice with your youngest when her sister is on a sleepover, help her to look forward to having you all to herself.

That’s not what she said according to your first post.

“bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”

is different to

”I’ll see you on Thursday DD1 and I’ll see how it goes for you DD2”

The original is focussed on how granny might have a difficult week and need some compassion. The revised version is spiteful.

It’s up to you as the parent to help your DD2 to understand the difference, and to explain that other people - even grandma - can have other things going on in their lives and need some kindness.

If she is only 2 years old ,Maybe in a year or 2 she could go.I dont think its a big deal though. She can play and if she says me too ,just deflect as best as you can.MIL is still giving you a break .2 DC rather than one is a lot for an older lady esp if shes caring for her parents as well

You are definitely BU. You are the one causing the division not MIL, who now has a very different set of circumstances. Things change in life constantly and expecting the exact same treatment is unrealistic. It doesn’t mean they will have a lesser relationship unless you make it that way.

Good - well then you should be able to put your feelings on this matter to one side and let you MIL get on with what she is able (bearing in mind she is probably 20-30 years older than you with those responsibilities and it also sounds like she is on her own). You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel, what would be unreasonable would be to make your MiL feel guilty or bad for one second because of it. I have 3 children and all inlaws were very involved with the first, less so with subsequent for a variety of reasons (age, caring etc). It is what it is. Your child will be fine, let your MIL be fine too,

A 2 year old won't know that

She is older than she was when you had your first child. She is caring for her elderly parents. She is stressed. Two year is difficult to look after. I think those reasons are enough not to give up more of herself.

Be grateful she is still able to look after your eldest. But don't try to guilt trip her into taking on the younger one too.

She has a lot going on already. She won't be able to pour from an empty cup.

What do you do for her? How do you ease some of her burdens?

You are being ridiculous saying your MIL doesn't want to spend time with your toddler. How much more of her time do you want to monopolise? Does she still work?

She's a lot older than you are regardless and since you don't mention FIL, not that any of these posts demanding MILs give free childcare ever do, she is caring for her own much older parents alone.

Be grateful she still manages to see the little girl who has a bond with her and give you time alone with your toddler.

Tell your younger daughter that she can go too when she is a school girl. Assist with their relationship by inviting Granny to a meal every week and asking two year old to show Granny how she has her bath, plays with her toys and brings her book for Granny to read. The relationship can still be warm though Granny has less energy.

My in-laws are interesting.
FIL just loves the boys, everything was remote until the boy came along. Now it's matches, events, etc even though he's 8 years younger than the first Granddaughter.
MIL played favourites with her own kids and now with her GCs. Its not enough to be loved by them all, she must be extra loved by one from each family at the mostly the cost of the younger siblings. This is repeated across three families with overlapping ages, so it's not a sudden aging thing. It's a pick a favourite for time and attention.
Favourites have swapped with my two, the younger one is currently the fav, the older one being typecast with a personality characteristic that none of us recognise - think not as funny or creative or emotional. It's a general thing that was never previously valued so it's all a bit odd.
I insisted on 'fairness' whenthere was a massive blow up when MIL claimed she was being fair with birth order across families eg. the eldest aged 5&4 got tonnes of presents nothing for my 3 year old because the 18month old would notice.

Some people obviously had very dim 2 year olds! Mine would have been well aware where and when her older sibling was going out. Things like trick or treating/ swimming/ clubs/ playdates. She's certainly have been upset if a special family member constantly took her brother out and not her.

I don't think it'd be so awful to have a chat and maybe alternate the Thursday visit? Or if MIl is struggling alternate the venue so she had dd1 at hers every other Thursday but then the next comes to yours and sees both girls.

Otherwise she'll never get to know dd2. If you've a small family these relationships are very obvious. It's not like dd2 is getting a special relationship with your mum instead or anything sadly.

Well she'll get used to it.

Just as most kids get used to their siblings doing things that they can't.

I don't think it needs to be equal, but it doesn't sit right with me as it is at present.

She may not be able to cope with DD2 overnight, but this inequality could continue on for years unless some effort is made with DD2.

She could for example have DD2 for 2 hours on a Wed and if then too tired to have DD1 on the Thursday then so be it.

She will never build a relationship with DD2 if she never spends time with her.