AIBU to question unequal granny time for my two daughters?

[TTCX2]

I have 2 dd’s, 6 and 2. My MIL was very eager and excited to be a Granny and is a great one. She has a beautiful relationship with my first daughter and was almost too keen to have her all the time. Got a travel cot and had her overnight from around 1year. Fast forward to now, a lot has changed. She is caring for her elderly parents and has had a lot of bad luck resulting in a lot of stress for her. Since my second daughter was born, there hasn’t been even half as much of an effort, she hasn’t ever had her overnight and will take her for a few hours if she’s able, whereas she picks DD1 up from school every Thursday and will have her for sleepovers. DD2 naturally starting to notice and I’m sure wonder what’s going on.

I Completely appreciate that circumstances have changed, she is six years older and has said she isn’t able to manage my youngest at the moment. AIBU if we gently say to her, we are not expecting her to do more than she is able to do, but it is beginning to be unfair and if she isn’t able to dedicate time for DD2, then I don’t feel right about sending DD1 off for special granny time whilst DD2 questions why she’s always left behind. She dropped DD1 off after a sleepover at the weekend and said “bye DD1, see you on Thursday. DD2, I’ll maybe see you on Friday depending how the week goes”. It just really hurts my mummy heart! ☹️

I love how you assume she’s alone. She is married and has a sister and brother and a good support network.

Can you visit with your younger dd and help out your mil for an afternoon - make her dinner, do a bit of a housework, so she gets a chance to enjoy time with your dd without being responsible for her, and also gets a bit of a break?

I used to do this for my dm when she was caring for my df, and just didn’t have the bandwidth to take the dc by herself. She loved seeing the dc, but wasn’t able for the hard yards.

Mine are used to the fact daddy takes the oldest one to football on a Sunday, oldest goes to stay with grandma etc and none of them have a problem with it as it’s just how it’s always been. 6 year old had started recently saying is not fair he wants to go with dad to football too and just told him he can when he’s older

👌

YANBU OP.

but your partner should deal with it. I’d be inclined to push for more time spent with both girls at your house so it’s not seen as childcare that MIL can’t manage. Let her know it’s going to start affecting DD2 so you’ll need to change things up for a bit.

If your problem boils down to your two-year-old's reactions, perhaps granny would be willing to pick the elder sister up direct from school.

It sounds as if there might be a danger you will make the perfect the enemy of the good. Bring two-year old to collect big sister if you like - then she gets a little visit to granny as well with granny having to run around too much.

It's very different looking after a 2 year old to a 6 year old. My mum and dad love my 7 and 2 year olds very much but do spend more one on one time with my 7 year old. They are older now obviously and they would struggle with lifting and nappy changes etc. it's different now to when my first was born and they were 5 years younger. But they don't love my 2 year old any less and he adores them.

Well that’s rubbish as my mother didn’t have much contact with my eldest growing up and certainly didn’t ask her for childcare but they’re actually best of friends now and choose to spend time together

I categorically wouldn't allow this level of apparent favouritism (even if it's about age rather than a genuine preference for one child over the other, it will feel personal to the one left behind).

It's absolutely fair enough if she doesn't feel like she can manage a toddler alone, she can spend time with both children with you and/or her son present.

Grandparents don't have to have children alone to build a lovely bond. My own mum occasionally watches my children if I need a babysitter, but the majority of the time she sees us all together. They still have a beautiful relationship.

Thank you for this. I feel like people are assuming I’m some ‘monster’ when actually it isn’t childcare I’m looking for, my DH and I have accepted that we have a small circle and we manage. It’s more that DD1 gets to go out swimming, soft play, out for ice cream and hot chocolates and DD2 doesn’t get a lot of time with her at all. It’s time and a relationship that’ the issue, not that she’s not giving us childcare

Im going to be quite blunt.
Your MIL is dealing with a lot. I’m guessing she isn’t in her 40s. Maybe her mid to late 50s.
She is caring for her parents - this is hard, hard work. Emotionally and physically.
Kindly even the most well behaved 2 year old is also hard work. They are sweet and completely unpredictable. Your 6 year old knows granny and her routines and is probably much less hard work.
Don’t put anymore pressure on your MIL. In fact you should be asking what can you can do to help her. And refusing to take no for an answer.
Distract your 2 yo when she says she notices - which I kind of doubt. Because it’s got everything to do with your poor MIL being probably completely overwhelmed. Frankly I’m surprised she is still collecting your DD regularly and having her for sleepovers. I hope it’s because she is a nice distraction and not because she is worried about a backlash if she stops.
Until you have to watch your parents deteriorate and also care for them you can have no idea how hard it is.

But why isn’t the MIL trying to build a relationship with the 2 year old even if in a different capacity? She could put a little of the energy she gives to the 6 year old into getting to know the toddler. It’s not all about OP wanting childcare which is what I think some people are assuming.

RTFT

There is a 3 year gap between my children. Both my mother and MIL have had overnights with eldest but not with youngest (5yo) yet. Both grannies have had eldest more than youngest especially when youngest was a toddler. It is starting to shift now and become more even as youngest is a bit older and easier. When youngest would ask why she couldnt go we just told her she was too little and we got fun time together while big sister was away. It was never a big deal. Both grannies are a bit older, more tired and my mum is caring for older relatives so very tired. We make sure she can see the girls when fits for her but are aware things have changed and she has less energy. Neither child remembers how much time they spent with grandparents as toddlers. I would just let it be, support MIL to be with them when she feels she has the energy and it will shift over time. Enjoy the 1:1 time with your 2yo.

@TTCX2 you are unreasonable for wanting to force a relationship that is not there at the moment.

Yes I think it’s cruel for your youngest to be made to feel like gran doesn’t love her. I think the sleepovers should stop until MIL is better able to care for both. Or DD2 at all.

I think you have to accept that things have changed - my eldest went to my in-laws for a day every week or so from the age of one and my MIL did nappies etc happily. My youngest had her first few hours there just before turning 4 because she can now go to the toilet by herself and Granny is no longer as keen to wrangle nappies and tantrums and needing to be picked up!

Could you maybe encourage your youngest and granny to video message each other or similar? Perhaps your MIL would like a less hands-on option for her relationship with your youngest so why not come up with some ways to build their bond that need less commitment than in person visits.

She’s never going to get to know DD2 at this rate. And in 4yrs time, she’s going to be that bit older so who is to say she’s going to want to be picking up DD2 from school once a week and taking her home for tea, or having her for sleepovers? She might have developed a “thing” like the theatre or cinema with DD1 by then, or she might even be in ill health herself, then poor DD2 has never had the chance to build a lovely relationship with her granny.

Our DGS is 2.5. We don’t live nearby but he says to DS2 and DDIL, “where’s Granny & Papa? Go get them?” Or “ring them” “Go see them” “play in their garden” “make things with papa” etc. If there was someone else living in his house coming here in a regular basis, while he was left behind, he’d be proper pissed off about it. But I would never do it.

You don't sound compassionate and understanding about your MIL in your first post at all. It's all about your feelings. It's understandable to feel a bit sad but totally unreasonable to try and guilt trip your MIL when she is already under a lot of pressure.

If you had read all the OP's posts, you would know that she is caring for her own mother who has early onset dementia so these statements are particularly misplaced:

'Don’t put anymore pressure on your MIL. In fact you should be asking what can you can do to help her. And refusing to take no for an answer.'

'Until you have to watch your parents deteriorate and also care for them you can have no idea how hard it is.'

I think you would be unreasonable to ask her to have your youngest more.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to quietly mention that the youngest is a bit jealous so it might be best not to draw attention to the fact that she will be seeing older DD sooner etc.

What does your DH/DW think? Because they’ll need to manage this. That’s not to invalidate your opinion, it’s simply that the responsibility for the conversation will fall on them. I actually have sympathy for your position and for hers. It’s tricky.

What’s your husband’s view?

Why are you not doing those things yourself with DD2 while DD1 with granny, I’m sure if you were off out on a play date and ice cream with DD2 as DD1 trotted off with granny there wouldn’t be an issue. My DS goes to football with his dad at the weekend while me and our younger 2 do our own special trip out

He agrees with me but appreciates it’s a sensitive subject and would need to be dealt with carefully. We both care and respect for MIL a great deal- despite what people on this thread have assumed about me 🫣. We just want DD2 to know her and have the memories of her that DD1 has, at least in some capacity as I know circumstances are different